Brett's Discernment

It's been a while . . .

2011-11-07T07:27:00.000-05:00

Internship, wedding, now marriage, school, work . . . life keeps busy!
In my last year of seminary now, it's hard to believe I started this blog before starting seminary. At some point I will have to go back and read some old posts to reflect on them.
This last year is turning out to be one ripe for prayer, discernment, and reflection. Especially now as I prepare to enter the approval & assignment processes. It is incredible to think that a year (or really just months from now) of where I could be. It's been a long road. God has been with me and enlivened each step. I am excited (really excited) for the future but also happy to live in the present and enjoy being a student (most of the time) for one last bit here.
I am commuting (about an hour and a half) to school for class a couple days a week, and about every other day I am working part-time in retail. That in itself is an interesting juxtaposition. The retail work is physically demanding (more so than I thought it'd be), but it's nice to just have a job. This is also the first job I've had in a long time where I can just leave and not think about it at all when I'm at home - how nice.
I hope to post more as a part of my prayer and discernment life. I have many thoughts. I might also post some recent sermons.
Recalling the CFLC 2004 theme. . . How's life? Life is good.

Lesson learned

2010-07-28T11:30:00.002-05:00

And the lesson I've learned these last two weeks is: the first month of internship is not the time to cut coffee/caffeine intake. I drag without coffee in the morning, and as much as I want to will myself not to, I cannot help it! Ahh! Mind over matter doesn't always work the way we want, huh?

Working on my internship contract . . . a little stumped because I feel like it actually is more like an approval essay in a much different form because I am essentially writing - what are all the things an ordained pastor should do and how can she contract to challenge herself and hold herself accountable . . . Describing this big and yet seemingly very natural job/role/call is joyful and yet really a lot deeper than it looks from the outset, maybe.

Things are going well on internship, I guess. No big issues. I'm about one month done, which has gone by fast in some ways and in others it seems like it has been longer than just four weeks. The month has been gracious to me in that it has gradually gotten a little busier. I am headed to VA this weekend to celebrate my brother's wedding in Charlottesville. When I return, it will be the first really busy stint of church activities, with 5 nights of VBS, night out celebration at church, church music picnic, first internship committee meeting, first council meeting . . .

More than anything I could do, I am reminded of God's grace at every turn, at every pause . . . And I am learning that loving the people, the most important core task of an ordained pastor, I think, comes naturally from this.

Peace+

really?

2010-07-16T08:28:00.005-05:00

This blurry picture is from just outside Lancaster city. Maybe it's a good metaphor for today - I'm on the road, getting used to my surroundings as they become a fraction clearer each day.
I live in Lancaster now. For real. For the whole year. It is hard to adjust my brain to this. I have now tried for the first time shoo fly pie, whoopie pies, and have heard about many other PA Dutch specialties. I have picked up on a slightly different accent, heard phrases like "ret" (sp?) up your room (i.e. clean it).
There is nothing negative to say, I am just very slowly getting used to the idea that I am actually on internship, and I am actually leading this congregation, mostly alone. I really appreciate the help and advice that has been given from my supervisor and the previous/outgoing intern. But overall, I am still getting my bearings. I am still sticking with and chewing over the forest metaphor I mentioned in the last post.
I have been thinking about some of the ways in which this internship is more like a 1-year first call. I have realized, even just a little bit, how I now understand how on first call it takes at least a year to get the lay of the land and context before making changes. There is so much to take in.
Each day, I am surprised in small or big ways by God's grace in places I didn't expect. I am learning more about myself, definitely more about my growing edges but also some things I am maybe better at than I thought I'd be.
I am working on writing/finishing my sermon today, a little behind previous weeks as I was sick on Monday and took the day to myself. I was just taken aback when I opened my folder on my computer with my sermons and saw the files - pentecost 6, pentecost 7, pentecost 8 . . . Preaching weekly . . . And here at the beginning it is hard to imagine but slowly becoming more real that someday this list will be much longer, and then in three years, I will revisit these same texts, God willing with an ordination and call to preach!
Hmmm. All these things are gift.

Peace+

stained glass windows

2010-07-08T15:03:00.003-05:00

I'm here on internship, which is going well so far. It's like being dropped by helicopter into a forest, and I'm just trying to get my bearings. But so far, I haven't gotten lost yet.
I just wanted to post this one little thought. The picture in this post is of one of the stained glass windows here at my internship church. I think they are absolutely gorgeous, and it is exhilarating to be preaching in this space where the windows themselves testify to the cloud of witnesses who sponsored, installed, and planned these windows and this space. But I have been thinking about how introspective stained glass windows are on the whole. I was struck by this especially because the bathroom in the sacristy (which I'm sure wasn't the original use for the space) has this amazing stained glass window in it. Stained glass windows are for the people in the church, not the people on the outside. Obviously the way they are constructed and the way the light streams through works best outside-in, but still. This church is a big landmark at a big intersection in the city, and yet the stained glass looks drab from the outside. What's more, the images, like Jesus' face, look like empty, white spaces, lacking the detail that is only seen from the inside. I know I'm probably overthinking it, but what does this say symbolically - you have to be on the inside to see Jesus and the beautiful art, stories, and details of our faith. . . hmm...
I do love these windows, and this thought is not in any way meant to be disparaging of this church or any other, it's just a thought.
Peace+
(Vicar) Brett

Pentecost Sermon

2010-05-24T17:09:00.003-05:00

I am so blessed to have spent this year as the field education student at Christ Lutheran Church in Kulpsville. The Spirit is alive there, and I had the privilege of preaching yesterday (and Saturday) for Pentecost 2010, my last Sunday there. I cannot thank the congregation enough. God is good. All the time . . .

Here is my Pentecost sermon (though not exactly like I preached it):

This past Tuesday morning I was sitting in my church and society exam. It was a two-hour group oral exam, and it was toward the end. I was turned listening to my friend answer a question, and all of a sudden, my good friend Jason, out of nowhere and without my having even the slightest clue, reached over and poked me in the side. I yelped! A loud, high pitched, out of nowhere response. I thought – did that noise just come out of me? During an exam? I was so embarrassed. My professor looked frightened, and then confused, and then the whole group laughed. It was such an involuntary reaction. I could not believe that it had happened. I wished in that moment, as my cheeks reddened, that I had better control, that I could've prevented that funny little noise escaping my lips, but I could not. It was completely involuntary.

It got me thinking this week about other things that are involuntary. This week in particular the oil spill in the gulf has also produced an involuntary response of another type – escaping my lips often when I listen to the news on the radio or t.v. - deep sighs of involuntary grief. Friday news came that the oil may cause more hurricanes and destruction. News of the brown pelican which was put on the endangered species list by DDT now may be wiped out as the oil is leeching into its nesting grounds. News of soldiers and civilians continuing to fall week after week in Iraq and Afghanistan,

Sometimes we cry out, in an uncontrollable, involuntary way. Because of grief, pain, or surprise, we cry out – we cannot help it. In those moments we are reminded that we are not in control, as much as we might want to be.

Today's second reading from Romans reminds us of that involuntary nature – let's revisit it -

“14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, "Abba! Father!" 16 it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ-- if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.”

I have to admit that I'm 26 and like in the passage I still cry out for my parents (earthly or divine) when I want to feel comforted. It's involuntary. And like in this passage, something in me, the Holy Spirit, cries out, reaches out to God for comfort. You cannot control it – it is the Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God.

When we cry out, out of joy or out of of despair, it is involuntary. Often one of those involuntary responses, of joy or sadness, is to use the word “God.” Some may argue this is a cultural thing, but what if we consider that this is just like Paul writes, the Holy Spirit witnessing from deep inside of us that we are God's children and we need God. Cry out to God, in joy and pain. Sometimes we cannot control it. We might even foolishly think that we can train ourselves that we are in control until that moment – we get poked, or hurt, or surprised by joy – and we cry out – Abba! Involuntarily.

In the same way, faith is involuntary too. We cannot choose it or make it our own. Faith, after all, is trust. We cannot force ourselves to trust God or each other. Think about your relationships and sense of trust. Trust is a natural, involuntary force created by the relationships we have. And God initiated this relationship with you, begun on the day you were born and celebrated the day you were baptized. God gives faith. To have faith is to trust. We trust because we are God's children, and when push comes to shove, just like children crying out in the night “Mom!” we cry out to God, “Abba!” or what ever word or sigh or squeal we use. This involuntary cry at the worst – but also the best of times proves that Pentecost has happened in us. The disciples on that first pentecost day did not choose to be transformed and moved by the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is within you and you didn't choose it and you cannot help it.

When we cry out involuntarily, we sometimes think “where did that come from?” Ultimately, this is a reminder that we are not alone. That deep within us, God abides with us. The Holy Spirit comes through us and we are not in control. As John writes, “ You know it, the Spirit of truth, the Holy Spirit, because it abides with you, and it will be in you.”

As much as I would have like to not cried out in my exam, it is a reminder that I am not in control, that God is. That I am just God's child, adopted, flaws and all. The Holy Spirit then lives in us in this spirit of adoption, giving us eternal life as heirs of Christ. Adoption is a beautiful thing. And it's involuntary. We are not in control but like a beautiful child, we are taken in, given a home and parents who will be a part of us for as long as we live.

I feel it is much the same spirit of adoption which with you have adopted me. You have welcomed me in, and God has worked in this place this year. Because God has adopted all of us and you have adopted me, we cry out, Thanks be to God.

Thanks be to God for the Holy Spirit that cries out from within us.

Thanks be to God for the faith we are given as a gift.

Thanks be to God for you, adopting me here, into this place, into this ministry.

Thanks be to God for the way trust, our faith in God, is shown in this place, by trusting each other, by holding each other, by working together to make quilts and roofs and hugs and sincere fellowship which all keep us sheltered, adopted, loved.

Thanks be to God that we are not in control, that God is, and that the Holy Spirit works in us.

This is pentecost. Thanks be to God. Amen.

doubt, fear, prayer, joy, and being driven back to God.

2010-04-11T19:29:00.004-05:00

So many people to pray for, near and far, around the corner and far away. Among those far away: -the mining community(ies) of WV upon the death of 29 in a mining accident last week-
-the community of Valparaiso University upon the death of Pastor Darlene Grega. How saddening. It takes my breath away. What is there to say? Suicide. The first ELCA pastor serving the chapel of the resurrection and the campus, and the first woman also . . . How does it twist my stomach to think that she was probably planning to attend the Institute for Liturgical Studies there at Valpo this coming week, which focuses this year on funerals, with the theme, "we all go down to the dust."-
-all of the communities feeling so literally and figuratively unstable because of earthquakes and other natural disasters.-
- So many others . . .
I am so blessed. My little concerns are so little.
I do worry how I would minister to communities in times like this. . . But I do trust that the Holy Spirit would just have to take the reigns, so to speak.

There is not much else to say.

Prayer is so important.

I realize my own ineloquence (that's not a word? totally should be) here.

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As they'd say on This American Life, "and now we've come to Act 2 of our program" -or as Monty Python would say "and now for something completely different" - (or is it?)

Today (and last night) I preached at my field education church, Christ Lutheran in Kulpsville, PA. I am realizing how at home I feel there in many ways and how much I will miss it. My last Sunday (and the next and last time I will preach there) is May 23. Amazing how fast this year has gone by, how much has changed. Wow. If you had told me April 11, 2009 where I'd be right now in my life, I wouldn't have believed you . . .

Anyway, the gospel text for today is as follows:

When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jewish leaders, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained." But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe." A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe." Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

This sermon was as most others were, quite troublesome in its "birthing" process. I thought a lot about about 20 different strands, which I keep in a word document separate from the finished sermon for each time I preach, so that hopefully I have kernels to restart on another time.

Some of the things I talked about included:

But then I also thought about the Mason Jennings song, "Jesus are you Real" but not until tonight, and wished I had gone that direction for my sermon, as it really preaches to me all the time but especially right now, and in light of all the things, people, places, communities to pray for:

Jesus are you real
Or did we make you up
Is salvation what you want
Or is faith enough

Do you know where I'm bound
Do you know who I am
Are you just a word I use
When I don't understand

Standing at the statue in the sea
In a little truckstop in Tennessee
And bombs are crashing down in waves
On the giant TV screen

And I am struck I cannot move
To make it stop what can I do?
People are dying in their beds
While this flag flies over our heads

Jesus are you stronger than a loaded gun
I'm beginning to believe you're not the only one
Strong enough to show your love
Strong enough to give
Strong enough to go through hell
Strong enough to live

And all night long I sat with you
In a darkened hospital room
And nurses checked in by the hour
I was made aware of a higher power
And how this fragile life we live
Is not ours to keep but ours to give
What in the world am I gonna do if anything should happen to you?

All I do is doubt you God
All I do is love you God
All I do is question you
What else can I do?
This world was never solid ground
The past is coming back around
All I do is search for you
What else I can do?

And when I say I search for you
I mean I search for peace
I search for hope
I search for love
And one day for release

Jesus my life does not feel the same
New things happen every day
Things I can't explain
I am not a man of faith
I'm a man of truth
But is this feeing in my heart
Is this feeling proof?

And when you do not know you know
And when you know you do not know
And when you think you do you die
And when you do not think you grow

Are we left here in the dark
Or are we left here in the light
Seems to me that both are true
And it's up to us to know what's right

And all I do is doubt you God
And all I do is love you God
All I do is question you
What else can I do?

This world was never solid ground
Religion cannot help me now
All I do is search for you
What else can I do?

And when I say I search for you
I mean I search for peace
I search for hope
I search for love
And one day for release

God give me strength to accept the things
That I just cannot know
And even when I lose control I will not let you go

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

But here is the sermon I actually preached, kind of - especially as I got to know the sermon it changed a lot in its actual delivery and there were pieces removed, added:

Thomas gets a bad rap. We think, honestly, who wouldn't doubt, just as he did? He's not the only doubter. We'll come back to Thomas, but I want you to imagine yourself in that room where Thomas' scene takes place – where Jesus appears – there are other disciples there, behind those locked doors. . .

What about those locked doors . . . locked doors behind which the other disciples sat for days. They are disciples of the risen Christ – they have been visited a whole week before Thomas is in our story for today. Which makes me wonder – what did Jesus say to these disciples in his previous appearance?

When Jesus first greets the disciples in the locked room without Thomas, Jesus says - “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.”

So I send you – out into the world! And yet we find the disciples, eight days later, hunkered, afraid, in the locked room, when Jesus returns to meet Thomas. Jesus rose from the grave for them, defeating death, and these disciples cannot even rise from their seats and behind the locked room to serve the world. Something's not right here, and it isn't just Thomas' doubt. All the disciples are paralyzed by fear, though different types.

Thomas' fear is of trusting his belief in the risen Christ – his fear is how could someone defeat death? How could this be?

But the other disciples fear also – they fear human authority – it is locking them in the room, keeping them from what Jesus has commanded them – to be sent into the world. This is a sharp contrast – the locked room is the opposite of the statement of faith made in Acts by the disciples who are on trial for their faith, who say - “We must obey God rather than any human authority.”

The disciples who are locked in the room for those many days are afraid of human authorities, and by fearing them, they are obeying human authorities over God, revealing who they really trust.

Isn't it true that, what we are afraid of reveals what and who we really trust.

I must agree with author Barry Glassner that our culture is a culture of fear -

Our news stories run rampant to catch your attention with the newest thing to be afraid of. Remember Y2K? Remember Killer Bees? Even on a bright, beautiful Sunday morning like this, with the light and knowledge of Easter, we are afraid. And we cannot avoid it.

You see, we are locked up too. Even the most well-meaning warnings of loved ones and other authorities can create this nagging doubt of our subconscious, creating fear, locking into place.

We are afraid daily of human authority in that we give other people power to value us. We doubt and worry what others will say about us, think about us, what category they will put us in, especially if we share our faith as the disciples are and we are called daily, to be sent, wherever we are going, bearing the name of Jesus.

It is hard for me to think of these disciples as being afraid. They had met Jesus, known him, seen the miracles, heard the teaching – what do they have to be afraid of? As weak and honest as it is, I think it is comforting that even the disciples, the friends of Jesus were afraid and doubting.

What do the disciples in the locked room have to be afraid of? Ultimately, they are afraid of two things – they are afraid of human authorities, of society, of what others will say about them, but behind that, it is because they are afraid of death.

Ironically, I think even as this fear tries to pull us away from trusting God, it drives us back to Christ. In times of fear and longing we are driven back into community with each other – to pray, to be around family, and other believers. Isn't it amazing how God works – fear – which leads us to doubt and instead trust everything but God – actually drives us back, reminding us that we need God.

Even though Thomas isn't sure he believes, he stays. This is a witness to us. Thomas knows, just as we do, that doubt does not exclude us from the body of Christ. We learn from Thomas the truth that we feel – some of those days when you feel least like getting up and praying or going to church are the days when the Holy Spirit surprises you and blesses you by your presence and practice of just being in the family of faith.

Jesus liberates Thomas – freeing him from his fears of what it means to really believe and trust that Christ is risen – Alleluia. Jesus liberates Thomas – the one who doubted vocally – not the goody two shoes of the group – but the doubter makes the most clear statement of faith in the entire gospel. Jesus liberates Thomas, and Thomas can do no other than proclaim, “My Lord and my God.”

But imagine being there in the room. This is not a private conversation.

I'd like to suggest that what Jesus is doing here is a favorite trick of parents – talking just loud enough and with just the right message so that it seems like you are only talking to the person in front of you but really you're expecting to be intentionally overheard – like – if someone is a good girl/boy and cleans up the playroom we might have ice cream, or one overheard recently if someone doesn't go to sleep the Easter bunny won't come . . .

Jesus works on all the disciples – his presence brings about about this amazing, overheard grace. Thomas' conversation with Jesus and statement of faith had an impact on the whole room and on us today. Overheard grace. None of us are alone. And while living in society means that we make each other anxious and we worry about human standards and , Jesus works around this, letting us overhear grace from each other.

Jesus is present in others, even in the last people we might think. And the amazing thing is that by living in community we get to overhear God's grace and presence working in each other, daily. This liberates from our fears and little worries that we put on ourselves by attending so much to society's concerns.

Overheard grace.

Some years ago now, but always fresh in my mind is the experience of leading a small group of 12^th graders at a high school youth retreat. These kids all came from different parts of the state and from some radically different homes, lives, and struggles. One member of the group, let's call him Thomas, over our week together gradually admitted to us that he really didn't believe for sure in this whole Jesus is the son of God and savior thing, and he wasn't sure about God's presence in his life at all. Thomas had been sexually abused by his father, raised in a devout Catholic household, never felt like he knew who to trust, and faced the pressure and struggle of human authority now to define who he was going to be – where to go to college, what path to follow. But somehow, the Holy Spirit worked that week, and by our last evening and day together, in our own little room of disciples, Thomas made the most honest statement of faith as we talked and prayed together. But the grace didn't stop there. God is present and shows an active involvement in our lives, because God promised. But the grace does not happen alone in a soundproof room. From that small group where the Holy Spirit entered and changed Thomas' life, the other disciples in the room were also changed by this overheard grace. Though I have lost touch with Thomas, there are others in this group, now well into college, that I still run into and they say – do you remember how God worked in Thomas?

We overhear grace daily, through which Jesus liberates us from our fear, unlocking the room, sending us out. I am often humbled by this. I will be so worried, fearful about my long to-do list and then I will just be stopped in my tracks, overhearing grace, God's love from a friendly checkout person, or in strangers who help each other collect something that has fallen in the middle of the grocery store. Grace doesn't just come through direct, lightning-bolt forms of the Holy Spirit, but from stories of grace and love that we see and overhear. Overheard Grace. In a hug from a friend or seeing a parent comfort a crying child.

Jesus' first message to the disciple Thomas in that room is clouded by our English – but in Greek it is clear that the “you” is plural – not “peace” only to Thomas but to all the disciples – to all of you and to each one of us. So “Peace be with you. You all.” (as we say in virginia, all y'all) The first messages of Easter that the risen Christ brings and Holy Spirit breaks into our hearts today is just that - “Peace.” Peace that breaks us of our fears. God will break through all of our concerns and be present, as promised, and show around us, through overheard grace, abundant love. Peace be with you. My favorite Easter tune I hum quite often, #388 in the ELW, these words from the Taize community, “Be not afraid, sing out for joy. Christ is risen, Alleluia.” Amen.

faith v. belief

2010-04-06T11:57:00.002-05:00

Warning - semi-nerdy linguistic discussion . . .

Do you think "faith" and "belief" mean different things?

To me, belief is more cognitive, almost scientific, a belief is one of many things one might profess. To believe someone or in something has a different texture to it to me than to have faith in that person or thing.

Faith, on the other hand, seems in meaning to me to be not cognitive but more emotive, instinctive, and central. Especially thinking in Lutheran theological terms of faith as trust, trust is something that you feel from the core and may do against logic or the odds.

The verb form of "faith" in Greek, pisteuw, is as far as I can find always translated in the NRSV and others as believe. But isn't the verb "believe" different in range of meaning than the verb "faith." We don't have a verb "faith" in English - to say "have faith" is a little different, and maybe it wasn't used for translation because it sounds passive. We don't even have a way to express this in English - to make "faith" an active verb, and what would that even mean? Would it mean more like "be faithful" or "have faith" or something else?

I am working on a sermon for this Sunday, the second after Easter, year C. The gospel text is John's (Doubting) Thomas story. I am troubled at finding this distinction and finding it to obscure the text. Another layer is added to this here in this pericope Jesus says in John 20:27, kai mn ginou apistos alla pistos, that is, "do not be unfaithful but faithful." Apistos, literally, not-faithful, should be translated as such. However, the NRSV translates this as "do not doubt but believe." What does all of this mean? What does this especially mean as we believe that faith is affected by the Holy Spirit, as is reflected elsewhere in the pericope? What does it mean that Jesus commands Thomas (and us?) to "be faithful?" Hmmm . . .

Testing - Lent 1 C Sermon

2010-04-06T08:23:00.002-05:00

This sermon was given at my field ed congregation, Christ Lutheran Church in Kulpsville, PA, on Feb 20 and 21, 2010, the First Sunday in Lent, Year C. The text is Jesus being tested in the wilderness in Luke 4.

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It's test time . . . What do these words do to you? Do they evoke a sinking feeling of ineptitude, or memories of pop quizzes, medical tests, or being otherwise unprepared? Would you say you have testing anxiety?

But this week I've been thinking about how we all actually like to be tested. If you think about it, testing pervades our society – it's everywhere, in different forms – of course in schools, but also reality show competitions, personality tests, IQ tests, tests in magazines, surveys, even video games, and on the internet. We like to test ourselves. We want to know how we stack up, what will be said about us, even if it sometimes makes us a little anxious too. We like to be tested – in some ways, at least, because tests reveal what lies beneath. Tests can reveal our knowledge, but also our values, loyalties, and concept of ourselves. Tests are important because they show us a part who of we are.

So today we hear in the gospel the story of Jesus' testing. Essentially, this is Jesus' identity test. This story raises so many questions for me, not the least of which is, why test Jesus? We know who Jesus is! We know Jesus' answer will be no, and this story will turn out as it always has. But Jesus calls us to hear this story in a new way today, because Jesus was tested so that we might know who this one is that we are following to the cross. So what does this test reveal to us about him? Who is this Jesus?

So far in the gospel of Luke, really the only definite thing we have heard about Jesus is what immediately precedes this story – Jesus has been baptized, and the voice of God has descended and declared, “this is my son, the beloved, with whom I am well pleased.” Sounds great! I know who Jesus is – this is glorious – Jesus is God's son, baptized, filled with the Holy Spirit. But as soon as we revel in this baptism story, the Holy Spirit snatches Jesus away and he is tested and tortured in the wilderness for forty days.
Why? Why test Jesus?
Because Jesus has just been declared fully God, but Jesus is also fully human. To be human means to be tested. We live in a world that is constantly seeking to test us, define us, evaluate us, on its own terms. The devil in the story tests Jesus. In the fact alone that even Jesus was tested, there is so much comfort. We have a God who is all-powerful and created all that there is, and yet cares and knows us so intimately that God was humbled to even be tested in the wilderness. God knows what your hardest, hungriest, most tempting, tortuous days are like. Jesus was there. Jesus is not shielded from the brokenness of the world. We do not have a God who sits on high and watches us squirm from a distance. God is right here in the midst.
Jesus is baptized and then tested. You see, the order is important because you and I know from first hand experience that after you are baptized, you are still in this world, still tempted, still sinning. We are claimed and named to be God's children in baptism, but the sacrament doesn't mean that the devil or sin doesn't still have your number and tempt you each day. Jesus is God and is tested but resists all temptation. We start lent by learning who Jesus is through Jesus' “no” - no tricks of power, no human kingdoms, no foolish self-reliance will define Jesus.
We are baptized and tested like Jesus, but it doesn't mean that we have all that strength to resist and say no each time we should. We do say “yes.” We say “yes” to the labels that tests put on us – to being what the tests define us as, to classify ourselves and others by stereotypes and labels of race, power, bias, class, and gender, as enemies, as the other. . . I know if I were offered even a piece of what Jesus was offered in the wilderness, I'm not sure I could refuse.

But there is something else here that we cannot refuse. Jesus, in all strength passes the wilderness test for us, and we are united with him in our baptism. We are not required to pass any test. The world will test us all of our lives, and we are freed by God's actions in Jesus to simply live in this love and do our best. The devil went after Jesus' identity. Our identities are tested also – the world is constantly asking us to define ourselves – who are you, who will you be today? But Jesus' identity, as yours and mine, had already been marked forever in his baptism, where God declared the final word. We are baptized in the name of the God who created us, the Spirit that is with us even in the wilderness tests of our lives, and Jesus who endured and said no. The world calls us to think of our whole lives as an on-going test – nagging us with questions that leave us wondering – am I making the right choice? If only I were smarter, if only I was stronger, if only I was more disciplined, if only I was more loving. Say no to these doubts – because the test is over, God has spoken once and for all. Say yes – the Holy Spirit will answer for you – saying yes to the voice in the wilderness Jesus trusted, the one that declared the same at your baptism and mine - “you are my beloved, with whom I am well pleased.”

A funeral sermon

2010-04-06T08:19:00.001-05:00

This sermon was written for homiletics class last fall. It was from a given prompt, so not delivered at a real funeral, but I found out afterward that the prompt was one our professor had written about a dear friend of hers that had passed away. The sermon utilizes a poem, previously posted here. I wasn't sure how it'd work, but felt like it fit.

-------------------------------------------

We are gathered here for Evelyn. We are also gathered here for each other – for Sandra, her daughter. For her dear friend Walt and all her friends, family, and neighbor.

We are not here just to offer platitudes and flattering words. You can imagine the sarcastic face Evelyn would make at us for this and the way she would wave her hand in mock dismissal. We are here to be honest. . . As Evelyn was honest. And today that includes crying out to God for the loss of our dear mother, friend, and sister in Christ.

Perhaps you, like me, will miss warm, honest conversations with her over a cup of coffee. When visiting with her, I always liked to watch Evelyn's hands. Did you ever notice them? They have a lot to say. Evelyn's hands were rough, strong. From her years working on her property and in the kitchen they seemed resistant to any temperature as she ran the hot water and held the coffeepot. When she would take your hands in hers, there was a warmth about her, just like in her voice. Her grasp was always firm and her words matched. As she talked with you and me and sipped her coffee, she would turn her rings on her fingers – and would often tell me about them. Her wedding ring she often caressed when she talked about her dear Peter. This one a gift from her daughter, this one she bought herself after saving up secretly on her own. Evelyn's hands were honest hands.

Evelyn believed in the certainty of a firm grasp of our hands. We knew her well and loved her. Much more than what I could say about her today, as her hands told us and her life told us through each one of us.

Evelyn's hands were a reflection of her.

We will miss her hands and all that she meant to us.

This is a hard day. My hands are not Evelyn's hands. Your hands are not. We will never hold her hands again in this way. Today is a day where we breathe with the words of the Romans text and know what it is to suffer, to not know why, and to cry out.

In our crying out, God works. In our crying out, and in this scripture proclaimed to us today, God shows us a little of God's hand . . . literally. When we do not know what to do other than to feel lost, confused, grieved, or fearful, it is by the grace of God that the Holy Spirit speaks our pain in crying out to God. The Holy Spirit cries out to God! For us! In us! God who called us from before we were born, knit us together in our mothers' wombs, hears our crying of the Spirit as a sign of our witness as God's children.

And as a child knows her mother's hands so well, so we get to know and remember God's hands acting here today and every day.

Sometimes I struggle with the image of God having a body, but somehow God having hands makes a lot of sense. It was God's hands that baptized Evelyn as a baby, and so it is God's hands which have spread this baptismal pall over her as a sign of her eternal life in God.

God's hands baptized her and held her from there - a certain promise. A sign once and for all that Evelyn's eternal life is decided – held in God's hand forever.

In her baptism, God inscribes her (and our and all the names of the baptized) name on God's hands – a certain promise to never forget Evelyn or you or I, or anyone.

Today is the completion of her baptism, God who called Evelyn before she was born, God who kept her in God's hands, and God holds and supports her now in the clearest of promises – that (John) God gives eternal life, in which she never dies to God. No thing, no one can snatch Evelyn or you or I out of God's hands. We are inscribed there and even as people may forget, as Isaiah reminds us, God will not forget you. Evelyn believed in honest, plain words. In certainty. This is certain. God's hands do not forget.

God's hands which hold our names, our days, and our eternal promises, are also hands of immeasurable comfort. When our cries are heard, it's the Holy Spirit crying out to God for us. When our hands act in comfort, embrace, or holding, these are God's hands.

The poet John Shea – has something to say about God's hands in his poem The God who fell from heaven, addressing God:

If you had stayed

Tightﬁsted in the sky

And watched us thrash

With all the patience of a pipe smoker,

I would pray

Like a golden bullet

Aimed at your heart.

But the story says

You cried

And so heavy was the tear

You fell with it to earth

Where like a baritone in a bar

It is never time to go home.

So you move among us

Twisting every straight line into Picasso,

Stealing kisses from pinched lips,

Holding our hand in the dark.

So now when I pray

I sit and turn my mind

Like a television knob

Till you are there

With your large, open hands

Spreading my life before me

Like a Sunday table cloth

And pulling up a chair yourself

For by now

The secret is out.

You are home.

back at this . . .

2010-04-06T08:00:00.003-05:00

Happy Easter!
Holy Week and Easter Sunday were an exhausting, wonderful, prayerful time. I loved celebrating Holy Week and Easter at my field ed congregation, Christ Lutheran in Kulpsville, PA. I also celebrated the Easter Vigil at University Lutheran downtown in Philly (in addition to the one at CLC), which was a great worship experience and a wonderful way to break into Easter.

More in general . . .
It is amazing how life can change in a year, or just a few months. Now I am getting ready to wrap up my second year of seminary and start internship, at Christ Lutheran in Lancaster, PA. I am really looking forward to internship, for the challenges and many gifts it will bring. I am so ready to be back in the "real" world again, living on my own and feeling more of my own person than this seminary bubble sometime allows. Christ Lutheran, my internship site, is a small-ish congregation in downtown Lancaster, a huge old church now in a very different neighborhood than it originally grew up in. I have worshiped with them once and look forward to worshiping there again in June as we prepare for the transition and my starting there July 1.

Also, I am engaged to be married (next summer '11) to Evan! He makes me happier than I've ever been, and I am more sure of this than just about anything I've ever known (excepting only perhaps my sense of call). I never thought I would date anyone who was also in seminary and preparing to be a pastor, but then there's that old saying about God laughing when you make plans . . . God is laughing quite heartily. God has blessed us quite a lot with this, and I am very thankful. If anyone reads this, please pray with us for continued discernment and future life serving the church.

Other random thoughts . . .

I miss Virginia, and CTK, my home church, especially on not celebrating Holy Week and Easter at home.

Perhaps because of the harsh winter, but this is the first time I've been really excited for spring.

I am dreading moving, but looking forward to living alone again. And actually looking forward to the organizing and cleaning moving will require. I just need to finish this semester first! One thing at a time.

"The Preacher's Mistake" - a poem I like

2009-11-29T20:37:00.002-05:00

The Preacher's Mistake

The parish priest
of Austerity
climbed up in a high church steeple
to be nearer God,
so that he might hand
His word down to His people.
When the sun was high,
when the sun was low,
the good man sat unheeding
sublunary things.
From transcendency
was he forever reading
and now and again
he heard the creak of the weather vane a-turning,
he closed his eyes
and said, "Of a truth
from God I now am learning."
And in sermon script
he daily wrote
what he thought was sent down from heaven
and he dropped this down
on his people's heads
two times one day in seven.
In his age God said,
"Come down and die!"
And he cried out from the steeple,
"Where art thou, Lord?"
And the Lord replied,
"Down here among my people."

-Brewer Mattocks

Women's Thankoffering Service Sermon @ CTK Richmond

2009-11-29T20:33:00.002-05:00

I was blessed to preach this sermon at my home congregation, Christ the King Lutheran in Richmond, VA on 11/15/09. I was blessed to struggle with the texts - Exodus 16:1-12, Psalm 138, Titus 3:1-8, Luke 12:13-21. This sermon was for the ELCA Women's thankoffering service 2009, which at Christ the King especially means that all of the quilts made by the "Holy Tearers" (haha) quilting group are draped on the backs of the rows before they are sent and donated to various needy people/organizations.

-----

You may remember the reality t.v. show, “Extreme makeover,” where contestants would undergo radical plastic surgery and other treatments for a new look. Or maybe you are a fan of extreme home makeover, which comes quite close to the image in the parable today, of tearing down barns to build larger ones. These shows and the rich man in today's parable encourage us to ask ourselves this question:
What about myself would I like to tear down and build larger?

These are things we say to ourselves, like the rich man in Jesus' parable - “And he thought to himself, 'What should I do, for I have no place to store my crops?' 18 Then he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I will say to my soul, 'Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.' God said to him, 'You fool!”

I say to myself, what if things were different? But just like God in Jesus calls out the rich man in the parable, I must call myself out as the fool. And we all are when we ask and tell ourselves such things.

Think with me about the package of gifts, for better or worse, that we are given when we are born into our families. This is our barn. This is our inheritance.
In today's story, the man speaking with Jesus seems to want to take his inheritance early. In this culture, this would be the same as disowning one's family. Why do it? Because he thinks he can do better for himself. Striking out on his own.
In the parable the rich man blessed with overabundance seeks to improve his life by expanding his barns, his storehouses – because just what he has is not enough.
We make this assumption – that what we have (our barn) is not good enough. That being born into another family, with a different lot in life, a different job, a different role, a different name . . . different relationships, would somehow feel like a much bigger barn. What is behind this is this is the lie we sometimes tell our selves - “what I have is not enough.”

This is the exact opposite of the Israelites' experience in our Exodus reading. God has given a gift which means they can only have enough for one day. For one day. Forget bigger barns, the Israelites were so daily dependent on God, none was kept. I always think how amazing it is that God knew God's people so intimately to know that the people needed just enough for one day.

In my own world though, today's manna does not seem like enough. I say to myself, you have done well. Now what? I will make a plan . . .
And right there, in the very assumption that I will make a plan, is the greatest deception. Telling myself like the rich man in the parable, relax, you have done well. The deception is not in enjoying oneself. The deception is not even in having possessions. The deception is in thinking that I have earned it. On my own.
In reading these verses from Luke, it struck me as funny how the rich man in the parable speaks to his soul – and I say to my soul, soul. I find that often these little wrinkles of humor or oddity that stick out often hold important truths. The rich man is focused on speaking only to himself. Someone is missing from this conversation. What does God have to say about his and our barns?

So, thinking we have earned it, we say to ourself, it's time to build. We make plans to store what we convince ourselves we have earned all on our own. But the truth is, brothers and sisters, that Jesus exposes this lie we tell ourselves. In the parable, God says to the rich man, 'You fool! This very night your life is being demanded of you. And the things you have prepared, whose will they be?' Making plans and storing goods is not the sin, but it is our self-dependence. We make plans, and we always will. But even more surely, we will die. Our barns and our plans will leave us. The rhetorical question is piercing here – the things you have prepared, whose will they be?

It is in the very fear of death itself that Jesus breaks grace into our hearts. This parable shakes us free of this lie that we can do it ourselves. We cannot. We will die. But we are not left alone. God is a part of this conversation and has something to say. God gives enough for this day.

In the Old testament, God gave manna each day. God spoke to the people with a dependence on God that meant receiving. And receiving only what was needed. God said to them as God says to you today, “Here is enough. I am enough.”

Where is our manna? Literally, manna was daily bread. And as we pray, “give us this day our daily bread,” what do we mean?

I find my daily bread, in these words from Titus -
The good news is, God says every day to me and to you – these words – “But when the goodness and loving-kindness of God our Savior shined, he saved us, not because of any works of righteousness that we had done, but according to his mercy.” Daily God seeks to speak these words of grace to us. I like the translation and the image of Christ rising here as the sun – shining – our daily promise. That because we have Jesus who came down, all the way to the cross, we are saved by God's mercy. It doesn't matter what your barn looks like, or whether you are in the process of remodeling it yourself on your own. We do not do anything alone.
And wouldn't you know it, it's all because of our savior, Jesus who was born in the last place you'd think, in a barn, levels and destroys our storehouses of self-righteousness. We are not valued based on our barns, or any good works we could achieve with our possessions. But instead, God comes right in those big barn doors of our lives, whatever mess they may be, and wraps us in a quilt of tightly woven promises.

This quilt, is something that we cannot ever sell, build, or disown this inheritance given to us. We can share it. And we do. It's our call to the world. But most importantly, it's a new way of valuing ourselves. Just as the recipients of these quilts will not see them just as another blanket, but as a depth of warmth and love, God does not see the size of our barns or how we manage them, but only this quilt of promise, wrapped around us at baptism.

This is our daily bread. This is what we are here for, for the water of rebirth. Christ calls us into this relationship daily – and wraps us up in love. With this baptismal quilt wrapped around us, there is no need for a bigger barn. In these words, woven together for us, God speaks to our souls.

We realize that God has been shouting at the top of God's lungs, speaking to us.
In the waters of rebirth, saying to you - “you are mine.”
In the bread and the wine, saying to you, this is for you. This is enough for today.
And washed in the word, clothed in a quilt of God's promises, fed with enough for today, we are blessed. Amen.

the secret is out, you are home

2009-10-01T23:45:00.004-05:00

I love this poem Dr. Swain shared with us last semester, and I offer it here as a prayer and devotion. I hope to revisit this poem more often.

If you had stayed

Tightﬁsted in the sky

And watched us thrash

With all the patience of a pipe smoker,

I would pray

Like a golden bullet

Aimed at your heart.

But the story says

You cried

And so heavy was the tear

You fell with it to earth

Where like a baritone in a bar

It is never time to go home.

So you move among us

Twisting every straight line into Picasso,

Stealing kisses from pinched lips,

Holding our hand in the dark.

So now when I pray

I sit and turn my mind

Like a television knob

Till you are there

With your large, open hands

Spreading my life before me

Like a Sunday table cloth

And pulling up a chair yourself

For by now

The secret is out.

You are home.

John Shea, The God Who Fell From Heaven

live, love, share, be . . . all these things do today

2009-09-27T21:55:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of me leading worship drawn by a young congregation member today during the first service. So adorable. When I took a good look at this picture after she gave it to me, I felt affirmed and like that is where I am called to be - leading worship as who I am. I know this is just a silly little drawing by a precocious kid, but it is sweet, and it was just what I needed. In general, I felt affirmed today at church. I am enjoying getting to know the people at CLC, and loving the relationship and ministry there. I will continue to make little mistakes and be critical of myself, but the Spirit works.

The first couple weeks of the semester I was feeling out of balance. I was not taking things one at a time or being prayerful as I like about the use of my time and my general priorities.

A week ago, at the ordination, as I wrote about in my previous post, I started to feel a shift back to the center. Which for me, that center is breathing, a feeling of calm, that Christ is at the center and I can relax.
So this week I have reconnected with my pastors, friends, and things I like to do to relax (getting back into a schedule of working out, reading poetry, being easier on myself. . .)

I had a little pity party for myself when I got my seminary bill for almost $11,000 the other day (my scholarships and other monies hadn't been applied yet, so I won't owe that whole amount! but still!). I am about to take on debt (of some kind) for the first time, at twenty-six years old. I am blessed and I recognize that even the ability to have debt is a privilege that most people in the world cannot afford. Yet I admittedly, selfishly, mourn my salary and the privileges that gave me - being able to give to my church, balance my spending, and yes of course, spend money. Ironically I feel like sometimes I spent less when I had my salary - somehow it feels like I had less expenses (like I had good insurance from my employer instead of crappy, crappy insurance I pay for).

But I am over this now. This seems to be the latest theme in my recent discernment - that right now, being a seminary student is my call. Even if I could make some more money and (try to) make ends meet by working lots of hours, would that be best? I feel prayerfully called to be a student, to take things one at a time, to focus on my life as a seminarian. I'm not saying working is wrong during seminary - hardly - and I will continue to work. But I am feeling my own boundaries and the intentionality of leaving space and feeling that being a student, taking breaks, and spending time on things is valid. I thank God for the opportunity to study, and all of the nudges and swift kicks in the right direction through the Spirit I have been given in my discernment toward call and clarity.

God is good . . . all the time.

Peace+

the simplicity of all things in the chaos of life.

2009-09-21T21:52:00.005-05:00

The last two weeks or so have been among the most tiring in recent memory. For scale, that means that I am actually longing to be back in CPE! (But actually I miss CPE for more than just this.)

I have picked up two (soon to be three or four maybe) families that I tutor for regularly. Though I am taking less classes than ever, I am TA for one and also chair of a committee.

This is all not to illustrate my own tiredness or gripes but to make a simple point. Amidst all my distractions, God finds me and gives me space to really feel at peace to pray and worship. I know, as most of my recorded thoughts, this one is pretty simple. But, I find it important that when I get up earlier than usual (which is early!) to study, I find prayerful moments and am able to feel peaceful. Compline tonight was one of those times.

One of my roommates (C, I think) put up over the summer this quote on our bathroom mirror - which I have bolded - as in searching for it again I have found it is a part of a larger prayer of Kirkegard's:

Father in Heaven! You have loved us first, help us never to forget that You are love so that this sure conviction might triumph in our hearts
over the seduction of the world,
over the inquietude of the soul,
over the anxiety for the future,
over the fright of the past,
over the distress of the moment.
But grant also that this conviction might discipline our soul so that our heart might remain faithful and sincere in the love which we bear to all those whom You have commanded us to love as we love ourselves.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing.
You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through.
When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You- You are the first- You have loved us first;
if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first.
When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever.
And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

What an amazing prayer. Again, I like how the agency is on God here. God acts - loving us first - over and over - it's a fact - the can and possibility language is taken out. I would like to share this poetic prayer and keep it with me.

God loves me first in a lot of new ways lately. I am doing my field education at Christ Lutheran Church in Kulpsville, PA. Perhaps because I grew up not really ever hearing a lot of language (or even preaching, maybe) of people claiming God and the Spirit working in them or being open about their faith, but this is a new way God has been surprising and loving me. The people are extremely warm and welcoming, and it is a very lay-empowered congregation. I give great thanks for this congregation and their warmth toward me.

So the last two Sundays I have officially "started" at CLC, which means leading parts of the liturgy each Sunday (basically the apostolic greeting, prayer of the day, creed, Lord's prayer (sometimes), intercessory prayers, peace, etc). Some of these parts of the liturgy had never before been my words to say. Honestly, the first Sunday I did feel a slight butterfly or two, but especially this second time and overall I have felt so comfortable, so called to this, so loving the liturgy because God loved me first, and I am excited to proclaim, teach, and serve. Oh my gosh am I ever cheesy. But that is why I am here, right? Because I am being formed, I love this stuff, and I am not afraid to talk about it.

The picture in this post is tied to this next thought though, and a beautiful experience I do not soon want to forget. I love and miss my CPE group and supervisor. There were five us in our group - two Presbyterians (one male, one female), one Roman Catholic male, one Ukrainian Catholic male - Ruslan Romanyuk, and me, all seeking ordination as priests or pastors in our denominations. We have our differences, but we found big parallels also. Well, Ruslan, who is married to the lovely Lesia (sp?) and is father to the beautiful baby boy David, was ordained on Sunday at the Ukrainian Catholic Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception (pictured). The entire service, which I think was the "divine liturgy" plus some rites of ordination, was beautifully breathtaking. With only a few exceptions including the gospel reading, the sermon, and a prayer or two, the entire two and a half hours of liturgy were non-stop singing/chanting. The interchange between the congregation, choir, bishop, priests, and Ruslan, the one to be ordained, were beautiful in and of itself. In some ways it was like being in another country and a part of something very sacred and intimate.

In coming to that day and praying for Ruslan, I naturally reflected on my own call and ordination. What will it be like? I realized that this is the first ordination I have ever attended. I have a feeling there will be plenty more, however. Our whole CPE group and supervisor were able to make it, and I felt it was powerfully emotional but also fitting to be all sitting in the pew together, teary-eyed at points, as our dear friend who grew so much with us, was being ordained.

After settling into the gilded, gorgeous space and into the liturgy of which the words I could not understand, I began to breathe more deeply. I always think of how my dad has always told me when I am stressed or if I have a big day ahead to - "take deep breaths, and say the Lord's prayer." So the whole liturgy was a prayer for me, like a long period of meditative prayer and chant, while I watched the large party of priests and Ruslan intently.

The only word of the liturgy that I understood was after the bishop had laid hands over Rusland and prayed over him to ordain him a priest. The bishop rose Ruslan to his feet and they took off his outer robe - just his black cassock beneath. They then ceremoniously dressed him in his new alb, stole, and many other pieces. For each one, the bishop sang out - "Axios" - and then Ruslan kissed the piece about to be put on and the congregation would sing/chant "axios" in response through the ceremonious dressing of that piece. "Axios" means "he is worthy" - it was beautiful and hard to describe.

Ruslan's emotion was palatable, as was that of the congregation for this new priest. Apparently it is a special thing to receive a priestly blessing from a newly ordained priest, and so we all did, as Ruslan let out a beaming smile now and then and radiated joy and peace. Yesterday was the international day of prayer, and I give thanks for the beauty that God has given us in the deep, rich variety of denominations and practices in God's church. Thanks be to God for Father Ruslan Romanyuk and days where things, though insanely busy all around us and taking us from place to place are just this simple - that we can breathe and pray with space for peacefulness. Again this comes back to one of Pastor B's favorite concepts - being intentional about doing one thing at a time and focusing on it. There is worship. And every now and again, even on my busiest days, God gives me space to really worship.

Peace+

done with CPE

2009-08-07T13:22:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I finished CPE. It has not yet sunk in that I no longer have to go to the hospital, write verbatims, or knock on doors/curtains/tables, saying: "Hi, my name's Brett, I'm a chaplain here. Do you mind if I come in?"

I have learned a whole lot. I will take away a lot that I don't know how to fully put into words. Of course, we have to try - with our self-evaluations, endorsement essays, etc. Another way I've reflected is through my theology of ministry paper/reflection, which I've pasted below. I'll probably borrow a lot of it for my endorsement essay.

My supervisor, Ann, was a part of the growth and gain of pastoral identity/authority that I felt this summer. My group was good as well, and I was thankful for the program.
Katy, one of my group colleagues made a list of Ann-isms, including: How does God interrupt God's people? Ministry is where the action is. Questions lead to deeper faith. Feelings are what they are. Vulnerability is the universal connector. You are the prayer - you may not need words. Lamenting is a beautiful thing - what I loved is gone. Tears will teach you. Embrace the growing edges. Your gut always tells you what to say - then we wrestle with it. A pastoral challenge is an invitation for someone to think differently. Security is an illusion, yet all of humanity seeks it. Doctors are mythical people who patients are always waiting for. Beware capturing people in sermons or in worship the way you capture people in a hospital bed! Agendas can block your own ability to listen, communicate, and be pastoral. If you can laugh at yourself, you're going to be a great minister. God is in the surprises.

To think that I made it through, conquering at least for now my phobias of blood/hospitals/needles, etc., and offering good care - amazes me. Thanks be to God for a great summer of learning.

Here's my theology of ministry paper/reflection:

At the core of my theology of ministry is the understanding that all people are God's people, and that we are all described in Romans 3:22-25, “For there is no distinction, ²³since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; ²⁴they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, ²⁵whom God put forward as a sacrifice of atonement by his blood, effective through faith.” A pastor or a pastoral minister is not exempt from this brokenness by sin and lack of distinction, but is set apart by a call to minister to the terror created by this brokenness with the only things that she authentically can bring – her honest self and God's word, embodied and present. The word, the message, the ministry is contained in the richness of verses 24 and 25 above. This theology has a very concrete, visceral feel for me, and it goes more personal in 1 Corinthians 15:3-10¹, what I would describe as Paul's statement of faith. As a minister, the context of Paul understanding grace through his own brokenness and the fact that Jesus Christ came down to him, all the way to the cross, all the way to him on the road, to him the “least of the apostles, unfit to be called an apostle.” (1 Cor. 15:9) My theology lives through these verses, that authentic ministry means to me that we claim our identities here in this scripture - “But by the grace of God I am who I am.” To be a minister then, the minister must be true and authentic to this identity, gifted to her in her baptism, and sustained by the gift of faith, by living daily to be who she is – fully sinner, fully justified, called to share God's word.

Flowing from this theology, during this unit of CPE I have felt called to reflect on and truly embrace what it means and feels like to be a “non-solution-based” minister. I realized in this unit of CPE that one of my strengths is being able to sit with, (at least metaphorically) embrace, and listen to suffering without trying to “fix” something. I do not look for a solution or an end to tears, because sometimes opening oneself up to authentic sadness., anger, or confusion is just the pastoral care one needs There are comforting words to give from God, but I am learning that some of the most comforting words are those which open up a person's story, giving them space to find their own voice of personal creedal Christianity as Paul proclaimed in the Corinthians text noted below. Parker Palmer describes this type of ministry: “It is a love in which we represent God's love to a suffering person, a God who does not 'fix' us but gives us strength by suffering with us. By standing respectfully and faithfully at the borders of another's solitude, we may mediate the love of God to a person who needs something deeper than any human being can give.”²

At this point I feel empowered that my “strengths” for ministry are not as much the gifted talents I came in with so much as they are the edges in which I feel I have experienced the most growth. My edge which I have felt the greatest growth is in claiming my theology of ministry itself, and coming to an authentic understanding and living of my pastoral identity. This is also something that I believe I have brought to the group in this CPE unit. My growth in realizing and getting to know my own pastoral identity is hard to put into a few short phrases or sentences, but overall I have felt affirmed, challenged, blessed, prayerful, and balanced through this growing process in the CPE unit. I have come to intimately know and deeply trust my pastoral instincts, or as my CPE supervisor referred to it more aptly, my “gut.” It is as simple and rich as to say that I simply know myself better, my baptismal self because there is no other self, called to a specific yoke perfectly fitted to my authentic identity.

Another strength I have grown with this CPE summer is learning how I act among new experiences, stories, or peoples. Because I feel called, I was able in this CPE unit to live with the unknowns (e.g.: the elderly, various illnesses, how I would handle my blood/needles/medical phobias), to feel balanced, calm, and open to whatever might come my way. Befriending my anxiety about essentially cold-calling on people in hospital rooms was hard and I experienced a lot of growth in confidence. This confidence has pushed me to ask hard questions, offer to pray with people, and to feel emotions with people as I walk the road with them. But I was also gifted with (and surprised by) my calmness to not have that anxiety directed or triggered by people who were different, suffering, confused, angry, or unwilling to talk to me. A strength that really surprised me and enriched my CPE experience was that at the end of each clinical day I was able to get into the car and tell myself honestly that I had had a good day, I had done the best I could, and I felt happy and unburdened. While especially in those first few days I felt anxious knocking on doors, I did not have a theology which would make me feel anxious exiting doors – I did not wonder that I had not done enough, said the right thing, or approached a situation correctly. After all, why should I if I believe, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me has not been in vain” (1 Cor. 15:10).

In the last third of my CPE unit, I have actually felt most enriched by the things which still challenge me, those “growing edges.” By knowing my growing edges, pushing them, but also knowing my true weaknesses and limits, I am a more authentic and whole minister, just as the vulnerable people I minister to. I have discovered that a very specific growing edge for me is handling how to minister to people who are supremely devout (of any religion, but usually conservative). I think this weakness has also given me growth in my ability to not argue with people who think they have it all figured out but to be pastorally available and get to know what it means to offer a pastoral challenge. Another growing edge I have discovered is that sometimes my relative good health and inexperience with medical language makes me miss things hidden in people's language. Working in a Catholic environment has challenged me in a positive way, but also at times deeply saddened or frustrated me. I have come to experience my own limits and weaknesses and love them as a part of me. I have reflected often in recent days on the images in Isaiah 49 – of God calling us from our mothers' wombs, of God who will never forget us, with our names inscribed on God's hands. I feel that in these weeks of CPE I have gotten to know my own hands of pastoral ministry, and seen God's name inscribed on them. But ultimately I am sustained not by my own strength, willpower, or abilities, but by the knowledge that this is God's doing, that God is present, and after all, this is just God's work, my hands.

11 Corinthians 15:3-10 ¶ For I handed on to you as of first importance what I in turn had received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the scriptures, ⁴ and that he was buried, and that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the scriptures, ⁵ and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. ⁶ Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers and sisters at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have died. ⁷ Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. ⁸ Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me. ⁹ For I am the least of the apostles, unfit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. ¹⁰ But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me has not been in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them-- though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

2Parker Palmer. Let Your Life Speak. (Jossey-Bass, San Francisco) 2000, 61.

the field

2009-07-12T09:23:00.002-05:00

Mason Jennings is hands down my favorite singer/songwriter/artist. This fall he will come out with his next album, which is a little darker and focused on his understanding of the world and its issues - global warming, war, etc. This video is my favorite new song of his, called The Field. (The song starts about 2:30 through.) It is powerful, about a family that had lost a child in the war. Some of the lyrics that particularly strike me -

If I was the president, if I was that man,
I would walk out with those kids out across the sand.
If I was the president, if I was that brave,
I would take a shovel, then dig each child their grave.
If I was the president, and my world turned back.
I wouldn't want no victory, I'd just want you back.
I don't want no victory, I'd just want you back.
I don't want no victory, I'd just want you back.
I don't want no victory, I'd just want you back.

This piercing words also make me think about a God who put God's very self on the cross in Christ, just to get us "back" - the ultimate act of love, getting someone back.

I have been very upset lately with what all is going on the world - wars, desolation, and yet in America we have been fixated on the death of a once-ridiculed singer.

On the day of Michael Jackson's memorial, when the regular broadcast news was crowded with news of this one person's death and the thousands mourning, I watched NewsHour with Jim Lehrer on PBS. At the end of the program, as he generally does, they had a moment of silence for each American soldier reported dead that day. It is powerful to see these young faces - and for the television to have no sound for even those few minutes. But where are their memorials broadcast on t.v.? In the hospital people die every day, some completely alone like the 100 year old Lutheran woman I had on my floor a couple weeks ago, who had outlived her family and all her friends, and didn't have a soul in the world to come and sit bedside with her and listen or just be there, celebrating her life. Except me, I suppose, that is part of my job.

And so, I am really enjoying CPE. It is hard, hard work, and I am exhausted at the end of each day. Just introducing myself to so many new people a day and trying to be open to them to forge supportive relationships is hard work. But when it comes down to it, I love it. I have been privy to some very sacred moments and trying times, at death and with families and people questioning their faith in the face of illness or hardships piled on top of each other. I have not done a perfect job, but I have done the best I could. I know more than ever some of my "growing edges" or weaknesses, but CPE is a good time to meet them head on and challenge myself.

Most of all, I feel very affirmed and confident in God's call of me to ministry and thankful for my opportunities. Some days are more challenging than others but I feel comforted that my faith and the theology I personally hold gives me peace and comfort for meeting people where they are. I am really thankful that I had pastoral care class right before starting CPE, as well as Lutheran Confessions.

I am wrestling with applying for a part time job teaching Latin online. Maybe I will apply, maybe not. I'm not sure about making time commitments and how many hours I could devote to a job this fall. We'll see. As with everything else, I'm still discerning. I guess that's a good way to think about everything.

Peace+

week one of CPE is done. . .

2009-05-30T08:34:00.002-05:00

I am done one week of CPE. It was tiring. Two days of general orientation to CPE, a day of orientation to the hospital and the spiritual care department there, and then yesterday most of the day on my assigned floor. I have a supervisor, a mentor, and many other wonderful people at St. Mary who are helpful and supportive. I am really glad I found a program that is very well organized and has great people behind it. At right is a picture of the hospital. I was going to take a picture of my hospital badge, beeper, and other accoutrements but I am still on my sad old Toshiba as the HP has been down since the day before my confessions exam (and when I can get it working again it will show me all my confessions notes and outlines I couldn't access right before the exam. ugh).

Some things that I have been contemplating the last few days . . .
- This is a wake-up to my sensibilities to be more sensitive to all denominations but specifically Catholicism. I work in a Roman Catholic hospital, and all of the staff (except maybe 1) of the spiritual care dept. is Catholic. There is mass daily, which I have been to both days we had opportunity. I'm not sure how I feel about making mass a daily part of my prayer/spiritual practice. It is always good to hear scripture and be in a congregation to worship, but there are parts of it that I just really disagree with and make it somewhat uncomfortable (maybe that is too strong - perhaps "distracting" is better) for me. Just to give some context to that statement, those things include not offering communion in both kinds to the laity. Only the priest drinks the wine. I thought Vatican II had happened . . .
- If I were in the hospital, ailing from something somewhat serious, what would I do if a chaplain knocked and came into my room?
- I feel really ok with knocking and visiting patients who are alert/awake. But what about people who are on respirators and/or cannot speak to me? I have many thoughts about this. I know that some of the chaplains will just say a little prayer for the people who are sleeping or unconscious, and I am ok with that. Also something that I've found hard is that all the rooms on my floor have the possibility of having two beds in them, one you cannot see if the curtain is drawn. I think patients have a need for privacy sometimes, though nurses and doctors cannot, as necessitated by their duties, always respect that. I feel like the two beds/curtain situation makes me feel awkward. Plus, if I have a conversation with a patient with a roommate, how private is that conversation? This whole line of thinking is definitely one of my "growing edges." Maybe I will just get more used to it by the end of the summer.
- I enjoy listening. I actually do. So I feel very comfortable keeping people company by talking to them and hopefully comforting them, maybe making them smile. I do not think I am not doing my job if I do not pray with each patient, but am I being mindful enought that I am there as more than just a secular companion? Nevertheless, I had probably my best conversation of the day yesterday with a patient who told me he has no religion at all.

In other (old) news:

the semester is over! I wish I had all my grades, but oh well, they will come eventually. I did my best. I learned a lot.
I am taking a German class all June on Monday and Wednesday nights. So hopefully by July I'll be able to (at least) read German!
This last semester was rough for me in a lot of ways, but finally both my feet are healing. Now only if I could get my stupid HP fixed again. I'm on month five now of this not working. It's a long story. My complaint letter to HP Corporate HQ is like 8 or 9 pages long.
I went to visit Cosby when I was home in VA last week. It was great to see all my former colleagues/friends. I really miss them and the amazing work they do and we used to do together. I also got to see a bunch of my amazing former students, so that was really awesome. I felt very loved. They are great kids and I wish them all the best. The one day this summer I would most like to be in VA would be next Friday for their graduation, but I cannot miss a weekday of CPE and it is in the middle of a 12-day stretch of working CPE. I will be praying for them on that day, though.

Peace+

random NPR moment

2009-05-10T18:19:00.003-05:00

So I really appreciate NPR (I am a member!), and sometimes stories on a program just hit you really surprisingly.

Today driving back from church there was a story brilliantly told about a bull, named Chance, and the remarkable story of his life, death . . . and more. It is act two of the link above, you can access it in the player. I leave it here so I can come back to it and some of the poignant truths therein.

Some realizations I am very, very, very slowly coming to:
In a week and a half Kate will move out and Jason will move in . . .
In a week and a couple days I will be done with my first year of seminary and on my way to Virginia . . .
I realize I don't "really" have a home anymore - I deeply feel Virginia is my home, and my parents' house is, but will I end up living there again? I hope so. But who knows.
I start CPE in 16 days. Am I ready?
I used to think coming back and being a student again would be hard. Not so much. I am glad I took the time off and worked in the "real world," but the negative is it gives me even less patience with my classmates who complain constantly about waking up at totally reasonable (I think, I realize this is a matter of opinion) hour of the morning.
I hate group work. I thought this would change. . . I mean, I have been in good groups, but I especially do not do well in "groups" where the information is divided and handed out and then shared. I cannot handle it. I prefer either simple dialogue or working alone.
Most of all, this first year of seminary has greatly affirmed many of my strengths for ministry, some which I didn't know I had. Conversely, it has also given me a much clearer and longer list of "growing edges" I need to work on, and I feel confident that I can articulate those going into CPE.

so much to say, so much to say . . .

2009-05-04T19:59:00.002-05:00

What a whirlwind this semester has been! What a blessing it has been! At times it has been humbling, frustrating, envigorating, affirming, thought-provoking, tiring, refreshing . . .

I don't know that anyone reads it, but just to remind myself, perhaps here are some things I have been blessed and joyed to experience in the recent past (going in chronological order backward from today)

I was assigned a field education church for next year, Christ Lutheran in Kulpsville, PA. Yesterday I worshipped there for the first time. If I have learned one thing on rotation, it's that one visit or one service does not any perspective make. I am very excited to get to know this congregation and serve there! Seems like a great place!
I served as sacristan for the three days retreat this past Saturday at Trappe, PA ("Shrine of American Lutheranism"). It was great to experience the three days with my classmates, especially the climax of the vigil. In other news, I feel that being a sacristan next year (if I am chosen) would be a great use of my gifts and something I am really interested in. It was a good amount of work (esp. unpacking everything by myself) but I realized how prayerful it truly was to me, the preparation, the silence in the sanctuary getting things ready, the thoughtfulness that goes into worship . . .
I heard/participated in the last of three discussions about our seminary becoming Reconciling in Christ. All three were well done and taught me new things. Then, this past Thursday, our student body at the student body meeting voted to recommend to the faculty to become a Reconciling in Christ seminary. On 4/26 or something, PLTS became the first ELCA seminary to gain this designation.
I went to hear Bishop Gene Robinson speak as a part of the Equality Forum here in Philly. It was facilitated by this woman who was the first out lesbian Rabbi. It was an amazing discussion I hope to remember and maybe blog about later so I can record some of those thoughts/discussion points.
I participated in the annual Trialogue held here at LTSP, a conversation/mini-seminar on a specific topic shared between Christian, Muslim, and Jewish presenters and participants. What an amazing experience!! The topic this year was just war, and how each religion approaches the concept of war in general, and when it is "just" or "moral" or not a sin. I am definitely going again next year, and encouraging more students to go as there were only three of us there.
I saw Mason Jennings, my favorite singer/musician/artist in the world, for the second time this year, at World Cafe Live in Philly. AMAZING! Possibly the best concert I've been to. And I've seen quite a number . . .
I got to go home for Easter :) and worship at my home church, Christ the King! I love my home church! I also got to go to the vigil, do a reading, worshipping at St. Stephen Williamsburg! I love that church too!
And a long time ago, I bought my first clerical collar. See?

God is good! All the time!

it all comes back to the table

2009-03-04T14:02:00.003-05:00

So between conversations at breakfast and lunch about having a campus pastor, occasionally heated, there was something else.

As we do every Wednesday at 11:30, we celebrated communion together as a community. It was nice to celebrate feeling a part of the body of Christ in the chapel today. What a blessing to be focused on the centrality of baptism and the table. A blessing to hear the preaching of Dr. Sebastian within the Church of South India's order for holy communion. Blessing is in the sharing there, hearing the reminder of God's promise.

That promise also comes at the table. Today a neat thing for me - Every other time we have had worship in the chapel, we have bread, usually baked by a student volunteer. But today, we had wafers, which the ministers broke in our open hands in giving them to us . . . That little symbol and taking the wafer in my mouth (as opposed to the bread I am so used to) really brought me back. It made me think of the church I grew up in, Messiah Lutheran, which has used wafers at least since my first communion, when I was in fifth grade. This wafer seemed so different that it reminded me of my first communion, of what it felt like, the mystery. It made me think of how lucky I am to have had parents that took me to church and have worshiped faithfully all their lives. It made me think of others, like Mrs. Gray who taught me in my first communion classes and was also a loving Sunday school teacher. She found me recently and reconnected after probably 14 years since she moved away. Baptized child of God, I am. I don't know how I feel still about the post I wrote earlier, at least 100%, but I will leave it up. I do know about these promises, and how God has shown me some little blessings today.

questions.

2009-03-04T08:43:00.002-05:00

I am feeling lately that my discernment and faith life in general perhaps isn't as much about the answers as the questions. I am okay with that.

We need a campus pastor/chaplain whose responsibility is for the spiritual health of the students here at LTSP. I have been saying this since I arrived, spreading the word, talking to people about this. I almost went to LTSS because this is an area in which they are very strong and their pastor is very insightful and would teach me a lot, I think. How can we model positive pastoral care and the importance of a pastoral relationship for spiritual growth if that isn't a forthright intent here on campus?

But when I think about this and having talked about it to people a lot, more questions bubble up in me. This is what Pastor Bell is for, and I think she does a good job. But people don't utilize her enough. Why is that? If we had a campus pastor, would people utilize him/her? Or is this really about clear/clearer definition of roles?

Other students largely and vocally agree with this need on campus. And yet, why is it that last fall when I tried to start a bible study/prayer group of my peers, the idea of that met lukewarm reception at best? Maybe I will try again today. I feel self-convicted in this. There is no reason why I or anyone else cannot seek out and build up community and care for our spiritual lives.

If we need spiritual care so badly for seminarians, why is it that attendance in chapel is so low? Aren't we here because we confess and witness to the importance of a healthy church for the building up of the body of Christ? Not to mention matins and compline, offered every weekday. Would having a campus pastor help? How could this be helped that we could be a community that gathers around our liturgy of life to worship as one body, joyfully, finding nourishment at the font, table, word?*

Why is it that over December break and January term some of my classmates only attended church once or twice? Aren't we here because we are leaders called into service who love God and love worshipping him? Are we, too stuck in wanting to worship the way or the time that we are most used to or fits us best? In this community which should be obviously intentionally Christian, shouldn't this be the easiest place to find spiritual nourishment?

This is not to say that there are many avenues of spiritual care and nourishment offered to us here. Quite the opposite. Many people see spiritual directors, counselors, share relationships with local pastors, worship regularly outside campus or field ed, and of course pray, read and study on their own, et cetera.

This proclaims to me the importance of several things in my own self:

I and many others get a lot out of chapel services, praying at matins and compline, and having prayerful conversations with friends
I am going to try again with more deliberate direction to start a bible study/prayer group.
I am going to encourage others to come to chapel with me more and try to be better about my attendance at compline because some nights I am really tired, but God always meets me there in prayer if I can just put on my shoes and walk there.
I will continue to try daily to see my studies as a prayerful thing. In some of my classes, this is extremely easy and joyful this semester, so that is good. But I need to remind myself that I don't have to like, enjoy, or agree with everything, but everything is formative and relevant in some way.
I am going to try to continue to be intentional about doing one thing at a time, doing quality work, and not stressing out.

After all, I know God always comes down.

*This is not to say that spiritual life in chapel is lacking at LTSP. I think chapel worship and the dynamic services, sermons preached, and experiences shared therein have been well realized. LTSP is a great worshipping community with a great number of the student body involved. A prospective student asked me last week in chapel if it was mandatory and seemed very surprised when I said that it wasn't, and he remarked on how great it was that everyone came to worship together.

snow. and silence.

2009-03-02T19:37:00.002-05:00

Watching the news today . . . I think viewership in general is much higher whenever "winter storm" is on the weatherpeople's (look I used inclusive language) lips! Ironically, watching the news made me start thinking. But it wasn't the broadcasted news that was thought provoking in and of itself.

You know how, when it snows heavily, especially at night it seems to me, the snow blocks out the sound of life that usually pulses through wherever you are? But when it snows and you're outside of it, there is this silence, here I notice not hearing the road noises and finding my mind somehow more open. The world seems to move differently when it snows (more so than the obvious complications), and people seem to act quieter. I am thankful for the couple good snows we have had here this winter in Philly. (Though I must say I am jealous that CCPS finally got a snow day after I worked there for three years without!)

I like silence a whole lot. This snow is reminding me how I need to be more vigilant about practicing silence as a part of my daily life. I think I take it for granted. I mean, I go to weekday chapel services, plus matins and compline pretty much every weekday, and silence is always at least a small part of those. But there is more to it. There is something to be found in the silence. As the snowflakes fell fast and furious as if angrily, I thought about breathing. I have had a very bad cold the last few days, and the silence, snow, and sharply cold air feels especially oppressive at times. . . Silence is hard, but one thing I've felt I'm here to learn is how to breathe in silence. It's not always comfortable, but that's ok. Leading more silently is also something I'm slowly learning.

This made me think about how God breathes for us in and through the silence. So walking in the snow, I thought about these verses in 1 Kings, when the LORD comes, in the silence:

1 Kings 19:9 - 20:1 9
At that place he came to a cave, and spent the night there. Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 10 He answered, "I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away." 11 He said, "Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. 13 When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 14 He answered, "I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away." 15 Then the LORD said to him, "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus; when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael as king over Aram. 16 Also you shall anoint Jehu son of Nimshi as king over Israel; and you shall anoint Elisha son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah as prophet in your place. 17 Whoever escapes from the sword of Hazael, Jehu shall kill; and whoever escapes from the sword of Jehu, Elisha shall kill. 18 Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him."
19 So he set out from there, and found Elisha son of Shaphat, who was plowing. There were twelve yoke of oxen ahead of him, and he was with the twelfth. Elijah passed by him and threw his mantle over him. 20 He left the oxen, ran after Elijah, and said, "Let me kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you." Then Elijah said to him, "Go back again; for what have I done to you?" 21 He returned from following him, took the yoke of oxen, and slaughtered them; using the equipment from the oxen, he boiled their flesh, and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out and followed Elijah, and became his servant.

Sheer silence. So powerful. Elijah's plea he repeats here is one of lonliness, of seeking God as true refuge. And God comes in the sheer silence. God's words to Elijah are here first a question - one that I feel is extremely central to us in our lives of faith - "What are you doing here?"

I am excited to study the Hebrew Scriptures in more depth and learn about this passage. So what comes to me about this passage is my own reflection, not that out of learning. The word of the Lord directs Elijah to witness the Lord passing by, and then there are a handful of natural events. Then, the sheer silence. How perfect in its completeness that must be! The silence of snow here doesn't match it but maybe in a lone meadow somewhere where the snow is so full. . . I think we are most honest with ourselves in the silence - in feeling our emotions there. Think about it. When a movie is at a tense/climactic point and there is a pause or a hold of silence, we feel. When we are in a deep conversation with a loved one or get a phone call or tragic news and the words stop, we feel most fully. That is where at least I feel my heart and mind resound and push me. I want to experience and practice this silence more. To be more present.

And yet back to the news. Local news spent more than 2 minutes in a half-hour broadcast showing a man in a green spandex bodysuit sledding and being goofy. The snow brings forth these newscasts focused on it as if it is the only thing. The silence of the snow falling brings the central focus of the news being these very simple, joyous, non-earth-shattering things: sledding, people getting their cars stuck, which sleds/hills are the best, school closings/delays. And I know that there is joy is this. (I know as I felt it crushed in those many days I didn't have snow cancellations of school as a teacher.) But I also feel the silence. There is some kind of deafening silence in the news reports, even the national news, that talk about not-so-atypical weather and continue their silence on the sadness and tragic state of much of the aspects of our world. I admit that I do not always daily go out looking for the hard news, the sad news of the world.

I guess overall it comes down to this. I thank God for a world in which snow can seem so amazing that joy flows and we are so blessed as to only think and talk about that. But I also thank God for the prayerful silences when I am called to consider everything but those simple joys, but in that silence the suffering and struggles of myself and others. In those silences, we ask ourselves naturally what God asked Elijah - "What are you doing here?"

So, what are you doing here?

the Book of Concord = my new best friend, haha. just kidding. kind of.

2009-02-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

It is such an understatement to say that I am enjoying the semester thus far. I feel busier and invigorated by what I am studying. Through a lot of thinking, experiences, and praying lately I've felt really affirmed to be who I am, stand up for things I think are important, and not be sucked into negativity that can sometimes surround being students. I love learning the things I am, and I am especially loving confessions class and pastoral care (and am in that class excitedly looking ahead to the challenge of CPE this summer).

Confessions with Dr. Wengert is powerful to me every day. I have had my Book of Concord for a few years now, but never really cracked it open for serious reading on my own outside the Catechisms. But I am really enjoying reading it. I am taking notes while I read, and each week we have these questions to kind of guide our reading and of which we have to choose five to write a paper on distilling a clear answer. The first topic was "What does justification mean?" Last week it was "According to Lutherans, why preach?" I wrote that one and by the end felt very refreshed and convicted of and in what I read and wrote. I am enjoying the practice of reading and writing for these questions which I think are central and practical for my/our future ministry. Also practical are the things which I am and will learn in liturgy class this semester. So far we are reading and writing on Gordon Lathrop's Holy Things - I have learned a lot from it including new ways to explain things about our life in liturgy/worship.

Tonight, I am writing again for confessions, this one is "why is there something wrong with the papacy?" But here follows my paper on "why preach?" which I got back today. (All the quotes are from the BoC.)

According to Lutherans, Why Preach?

We preach the gospel, in the pulpit or in proclaiming Christ in our daily lives, because God works through us in our preaching by the Holy Spirit to explain the mystery of faith, draw us into closer relationship, and so that all hear a word of grace which may comfort and make alive. So we preach because of what God did first and what God does through our preaching. We preach because we each are witness to the power of the gospel made alive and how it can work in our lives.

God's action and work in our preaching has primacy and thus ought be discussed first as groundwork for what is done in that work, the fruits of preaching. We preach because God gave us the Word, the holiest gift given to us above all others (LC 399.91). Whenever “God's Word is taught, preached, heard, read, or pondered, there the person, the day, and the work is hallowed, not on account of the external work but on account of the Word that makes us all saints.”(LC 399.92) So we preach because through the Word and the grace therein, God makes us holy; we are justified in the confident trust we take from the words of gospel spoken to us. This is so because of the work of the Holy Spirit, which “preaches to us and brings us to Christ.” (LC 436.37) God in the Holy Spirit draws us into Christian community for worship and hearing the word preached, which Luther makes clear in the Large Catechism is inseparable from our identity. That identity is as Christians who proclaim Christ crucified and risen, for us, that we might have confidence in his promise of merciful salvation. Yet this identity would be lost without the hearing and speaking the Word of God's grace, as the Holy Spirit works in us. Luther writes: “Neither you nor I could ever know anything about Christ, or believe in him and receive him as Lord, unless these were offered to us and bestowed on our hearts through the preaching of the gospel by the Holy Spirit.” (LC 436.38) Therefore, according to Lutherans, it is understood that we preach because we cannot help but to confess our confidence in God and that when we open our mouths to do so, it is God who speaks through us, for us.

The fruit of preaching is faith, confidence and comfort in the mercy of God, given by the Holy Spirit. This is enacted through preaching by the Holy Spirit and itself begs analysis and witness of how the spoken Word can transform our lives. When we preach as the scriptures do, words of honest law and gospel in community with other believers, the Holy Spirit “creates and increases holiness, causing it daily to grow and become strong in the faith and its fruits, which the Spirit produces.” (LC 438.53) Preaching, especially as Luther prescribes preaching on the catechism, ought to be simple, brief, and direct, so that it penetrates our hearts and minds and is remembered. (LC 386.27) When a sermon is preached so that the grace in it is simple enough to be remembered and pondered later, this gives the body of Christ a language by which to speak faith to one another. Furthermore, when we open ourselves as hearers of preaching and the Word, “we keep that Word holy and gladly hear and learn it.” (SC 352.6) Melanchthon brings clarity here – we preach, citing Galatians 3:[14b] “So that we might receive the promise of the Spirit through faith.”

Because God acts through our preaching and we witness to the power of preaching to impact our trust and relationship with God, we preach to give a specific message to all those that will listen. That message is the same as in the scripture itself – an honest declaration of the law that convicts as well as the joyful proclamation of the good news of God's promise. “In this way, Scripture makes a practice of joining these two things, terrors and consolation, in order to teach that these are the chief parts of repentence: contrition and faith that consoles and justifies.” (Ap 195.52) We as Lutherans preach a specific message, that which we define as gospel, that convicts us through the Holy Spirit as sinners and makes us alive through the promise of Christ. Not every message given from a pulpit or with a bible in hand fits these qualifications. But we witness to faith being effected in those who hear God in preaching, never on account of anything we do or choose, but on Christ's merit. (CA V.3) We know that we only come to relationship and understanding of our faith through the Holy spirit, so we are called to preach to explain and help our brothers and sisters in Christ. Luther writes in the Large Catechism that our entire gospel and preaching is dependent on our understanding of the second article of the Apostle's Creed, “so rich and broad that we can never learn it fully.” (LC 435.33) As Lutherans we preach and hear to learn and retain words spoken to us that are endlessly able to be examined, explained, and embraced, as part of our daily relationship with God.

So what begins with God ends with God here – we preach because God acts in, through, and for us, but also because we are commanded. We are called as Christians through the scriptures and by Luther and other witnesses to the faith to preach forgiveness and mercy, as we are all equal sinners, to the whole world. “We now want to return to the gospel, because God is extravagantly rich in his grace: first, through the spoken word, in which forgiveness of sins is preached to the whole world (which is the proper function of the gospels).” (SA 319.4:)

Mother Bethel A.M.E. :)

2009-02-15T22:53:00.003-05:00

I worshiped the past two weeks at Mother Bethel A.M.E. church in Philadelphia, pictured here. What follows below is my reflection for rotation group about this experience. What a good, relaxing time worshiping God. I felt right at home, though I wouldn't have thought it before. As I get ready to write my ecumenism paper later this week, I think about how much the theological differences at the A.M.E. church didn't bother me because the people were so ready to welcome and embrace me, so exuberant to worship together. Maybe if we all were a little more unafraid and welcoming, ecumenism wouldn't seem such a laborious task.

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Mother Bethel is the second church we have attended so far on rotation which I would like to go back to this summer. I did not expect to think this before worshiping at Mother Bethel. It is so far from my typical “comfort zone.” I had never worshiped where I was one of only three white persons (the other two were my classmates), worshiping in/with a denomination not my own and which I knew little about, in a place so viscerally tied to a culture not at all my own. But it was just what I needed. Especially the first Sunday I attended, I felt that this congregation was more welcoming than almost any I had attended this year. Even though I was a visitor, I felt completely relaxed in the sanctuary.

I could pick up on some differences in theology that were present in the sermons that I heard at Mother Bethel, but, these were not even such huge things that most lifetime Lutherans might not pick up on them. There was definitely some theology of glory and decision theology preached and prayed for, but I have heard those ideas preached at ELCA churches more than a few times also. I suppose I felt a balance still because the grace came to me in the words of the hymns sung (all ones that I have sung out of Lutheran hymnals in Lutheran churches). Grace and God's mercy was in a community that welcomes everyone with hugs and handshakes, in the faith shared, the choir's notes hit, words of God's love in the sermon, and the way that people in worship can be moved to clap, say “amen,” stand up, and each a little differently. It is times like that, worshiping in a place I never would have before, that I am really thankful for the rotation program.

The history of Mother Bethel impacted me more than I thought it would, being the daughter who sometimes feels burnt out from her dad taking her to every local Civil War battlefield, historic home, et cetera. It was a blessing to be at Mother Bethel the first week, as they celebrated in grand style their Founder's day. That church was the first A.M.E. congregation, a site of famous abolitionist speeches, a stop and coordinator of the Underground Railroad, and the oldest piece of land in America continually owned by black people. These A.M.E. traditions founded on that site is a powerful, meaningful, and deserved part of this congregation's pride. The worship celebrating this, with the bishop preaching, the cathedral choir, and a lot of explanations and background, was the perfect Sunday to be a guest and get a sense of their identity at its fullest. It was probably also the first time I had been to a worship service that was over two hours and it didn't feel very long and I didn't find myself fidgeting to feel comfortable.

Today I chose to worship at the early (8:00) service, and saw a contrast, but not a break from the identity or feeling I had the first week. The early service I went to had maybe 1/3 of the people from the late service the previous week, no choir, much shorter service overall (about 1:15). Their head pastor preached and the (female!) associate pastor read and did prayers. The preaching was exuberant, highly relatable, and climactic as I have seen before with preachers in the black style. Yet the way that the pastor kept his rhetoric very much parallel with the biblical story, highlighting and explaining all the way to a central point/piece of grace, was unlike preaching in a similar style I have heard this year. The way the congregation responds to the preaching, and worship in general, as mentioned above, made me feel like this was a vibrant, faithful place. Honestly, a year ago I'm not sure I would've been as comfortable (and even joined in with the “amen”s and clapping) as response to worship, because I had never experienced worship in a culture that does so, or at least not enough to feel comfortable and not distracted.

As I've been reading for liturgy and confessions a lot this weekend, some other things have been coming to me as I think about Mother Bethel. I wish that I could've spoken with the pastors to hear their thoughts on these things, but I have been reading about the denomination's beliefs from their website. There was no communion in the order of service for either week we were there, either service, and no mention of it in preaching or symbols or table/altar made clear to me where it would be laid. But the denomination's website says that communion is a sacrament, it should be taken in both kinds, they do not believe in transubstantiation, and that “The body of Christ is given, taken and eaten in the Supper, only after a heavenly and spiritual manner. And the means whereby the body of Christ is received and eaten in the Supper, is faith.” (http://www.ame-church.com/about-us/beliefs.php) This website with the “articles of our faith” read a whole lot to me, at least in form and structure, like the Augsburg Confessions and the Small/Large Catechisms as I have been reading. I would like to hear what the pastors would have to say about the altar call that is done at the end. People who we saw go up were doing so to officially declare their intent to become members of Mother Bethel. They were asked if they “proclaim the Lord as their Savior” and if they have been baptized (all were adults). So I am left wondering what would happen if someone who wasn't baptized or hadn't ever before proclaimed Christ as their Savior went up. Furthermore, it is how an A.M.E. Pastor would explain the altar call, what it means to them theologically and practically in the congregation, that I'm interested in. The good thing is, hopefully I will continue to learn about all of these different ways to worship, denominations, beliefs, and languages of faith we speak that I am experiencing this year and that this is just the beginning.

Late December and January Worship Reflections

2009-02-08T20:23:00.006-05:00

For rotation group, we write reflections on our worship experiences. For Christmas and January we did not have assigned places to worship, so here are my reflections on my time. I had a great end of December and January and am reminded daily of how much God break into our daily lives and stresses to remind us He loves us. Pictured here is my Winter Celebration small group of 12th graders, from week 2. I like to try creative ways of praying, and one day they suggested we pray upside-down. We did, and they liked it so much they took a group picture that way.

First, after returning home to Virginia tired from exams, it was such a blessing to return to my home congregation. I worshiped at Christ the King Lutheran in Richmond, Virginia, my home congregation, for the fourth Sunday in advent, Christmas day, and the first Sunday of Christmas, when I did the children's sermon and served as assistant minister. Worship at CTK feels like home because of the music, my pastor's preaching, little traditions, but mostly the people and how they embrace me as a part of their family. It was beautiful and felt really right to worship (at CTK) on Christmas day, something I had never done before. It felt really meaningful that many families had paused their kids' gift opening and gotten everyone to church because this is who we are, this is why we worship Jesus born as a little baby. On Christmas eve I worshiped with my family at Messiah Lutheran in Mechanicsville, Virginia, the congregation I grew up in. This congregation has suffered and changed a lot since I grew up there, but it is good to see old friends and worship in the space of my first communion and confirmation. They have a first call pastor serving there, and this was his second Christmas at Messiah. I learn a lot from having the insight of listening to my parents and friends in the congregation and their perception of him as a first call pastor learning the ropes (or as any pastor in general).

Returning to Philadelphia for my January classes, a couple friends and I decided to take in some different, multi-cultural experiences. The Second Sunday after Christmas we went to the Quaker meeting on Mermaid Lane. Walking in the door, we were immediately greeted warmly and invited. I went and joined their hymn sing they have in a side room before the meeting begins. About eight or so others happily sang around a piano, hymnals in hand. I was struck by the theological differences and met my own assumptions head-on when singing “Holy, Holy, Holy” I sang what I had always heard, “God in three persons, blessed trinity.” However I quickly realized that I was the only one singing those words – printed in the hymnal was something like “God in each person, blessed friends. . .” The meeting itself was a wonderful meditative time of silence; perhaps four people rose to give a “message” as it is called. Their messages were scripturally based and interesting, but I found myself wondering at the end of the service wanting more – to get communion, share some words of faith as a community, something. I would like to return to a Quaker meeting sometime for its meditative value and how it makes me ask questions of myself and how I can best worship God.

Baptism of our Lord Sunday we went to Tabernacle which is a united PCUSA and UCC church. This was a very diverse, open and accepting community. The congregation as we saw that day was racially mixed, as well as including a variety of ages, sexual orientations, and general walks of life. TAB, as they call it, was a mix in this and a variety of ways of contrast and warm harmonization. For example, the worship space is an older, lofted space with balconies, dark wood, and dominant, colorful, abstract stained glass. Yet this contrasts the lack of some traditional symbols, a raised altar, or the idea of a chancel, especially when the congregation gathers in a large circle and holds hands. The liturgy was highly traditional, with a familiar order and parts, but leaving out communion and making specific deliberate changes to use inclusive, gender-neutral language. We happened to be there for the installation of some new deacons, which was interesting and different to me with the laying on of hands, et cetera. I did not feel particularly welcome at this congregation though, left with ears aching from a waning ear infection plus (over)use of their singing bowl, and feeling like the 45 minute service had been more like two hours.

The Second Sunday after Epiphany I went with a friend from college who lives in Philadelphia to her church, St. John's Melrose Park (ELCA). The congregation was friendly and helpful, and felt like a family together, especially in celebrating the first birthday of a little member together with cake after the service. Many in the congregation was decked out in their Eagles gear to root on their team later that day, and the pastor made a couple references to it in his welcome and sermon. I am not a fan (a pun!) of those kind of references or hooks made by pastors. The pastor's sermon was good, I felt that he preached the gospel. The service was rushed as the pastor was flying out of town immediately after the service; I am not sure whether this is why there was no communion or whether they don't always commune every Sunday anyway.

The last two weekends of January I spent in Lynchburg, Virginia, as a small group leader for t he Virginia synod's high school retreat, Winter Celebration. Each weekend I had a group of 12^th graders from all over Virginia. I used to attend these events as a participant, and have been a small group leader for many years. The experience is always good, I always learn things about myself and have a refreshing time with old friends, worship, and encountering the word with high schoolers. These were particularly powerful weekends though, for four main reasons. First, the love and witness of old friends, from my home congregation who I stayed with the first weekend, most of those kids I taught in Sunday school or something; the way people care for each other and open up to each other is really grace-filled to me. Second, the witness of strong faith of my small group members both weekends – and how sometimes, we can't make assumptions about people struggling with some aspects of faith – sometimes people just trust God and don't worry, and that's what faith is, after all. Third, the theological depth and general honesty of my entire group the second week. They were so honest in a way that I really felt the Holy Spirit through them and their conversations about God in their lives. They taught me a lot. Fourth, the sermon by Pastor Chris Bowen I heard both weekends. It was simple in its core message – God loves you and God tells you every day, and it is our job to tell others – but told in a way that was eloquent, captivating, deep, and going to stay with me in some detail for quite some time. This January was a great time for me for feeling rejuvenated and affirmed of the power and presence of God in my and our lives. This was especially seen for me through the experiences of Winter Celebration and three of the best sermons I have ever heard or read. One was Pastor Bowen's, the second was Dr. Wengert's Epiphany sermon for its conviction and confession of the gospel and its words of an accepting, inclusive God. The third was Pastor Andy Ballentine, my college pastor and great mentor's funeral sermon for a young woman named Samantha Trost, who died a couple weeks ago at 20 from cancer. Its honesty about grief and how exactly we can confess God to be with us in it brought some clarity to that topic and was very powerfully personal.

I hope everyone had as deep and refreshing term as I did. And the good news is, that today worshiping back on rotation at Mother Bethel AME, of course the walk only continues, as I reflect upon God's gifts for me lately in this new experience and enjoyed it very much.

Let justice roll down like waters

2009-01-20T13:12:00.003-05:00

Rev. Joseph E. Lowery quoted this verse in his emotional benediction at the end of the inauguration. It summarizes my feelings about this day. It is triumphant.

Let Justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream!
Amos 5:24

It was good to watch this with the LTSP community and see the crowds gathered all across the world. I know many of my friends abroad watched it live as well. Obama's speech was inspiring. The day is inspiring. I pray for our country and the fearful things in our future.

Obama's speech:

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Random thoughts I've been chewing over

2009-01-15T09:28:00.002-05:00

Why can't the Today show be more like NPR morning edition? Kate and I have been discussing this lately.
My dad and I have been discussing lately the language that is used with cancer sufferers. People always say that someone is "fighting" or that he/she "won the battle against cancer." This implies human agency or control in this tragic event, and also implies that the people who lose are not as "strong." This is very interesting to me and something I am becoming more aware of and hope to continue to be as I do CPE, etc.
Where do I want/should I/where would be more practical to do CPE? I am pursuing sites that I like in both Richmond and Philly area. I will be paying rent up here either way.
Last week I took Lutheran Hymnody. This week and next I am taking ecumenism. We are talking a lot about the WCC, divisive issues between Christians, and the concept of unity. Do we want unity? On my Thinking about God (oral) final we had to discuss why the doctrine of the trinity is relevant for ministry today. I talked about that the doctrine of the trinity teaches complete diversity and complete unity, and how this is of paramount relevance as a teachable model for today. We should conceive of the trinity in the same way we should conceive of ourselves, completely equal, completely unique and respected for our differences, but completely united and willing to come together with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Some questions/random things I have thought about in class . . .

my home church, CTK, is less than five minutes from another ELCA church, but the two would never think of joining.
Where does sin enter into this? Are we judging each other when we label division as sin? How can we follow Christ to respect others yet work toward unity?
Unity in mission, philanthropy, and general fraternity versus actually worshipping together. . .

My brother moved to an Air Force base in Mississippi on Tues. to start his career as a 2nd Lieutenant pilot. I keep him in my prayers and pray for his discernment, fulfillment, and relationship with God.
The inauguration should be interesting to watch. But I am more interested in how the country reacts in the months after, like children the days after Christmas . . . there is great work to be done.
Why are we bailing out the auto industry when what we need is a perspective switch - that we as Americans do not need new cars every 3 years or whatever, and ought not judge ourselves by this status symbol. Perhaps this is an industry that should change, should streamline.
I like stained glass when it has rich and not pastel colors.
I would like to catch more concerts in 2009.

What is a Lutheran Hymn?

2009-01-09T23:41:00.002-05:00

For my first J-term class, I took a one-week intensive this week, Lutheran Hymnody. I learned so much and am grateful for the class. Dr. Wengert and Mark Mummert co-taught it, and we also heard from Martin Seltz, lead publisher of the ELW. It was amazing to be taught by the best, on topics they are so passionate about and which are practical and important to everyone. There was also a whole lot of me singing the wrong notes/off key, so I apologize to those who sat near me. I realized many things that I did not know and many I have yet to learn (does that make sense?). Also, randomly, I am in the process of getting a CPE site - fingers crossed it works out for the best! (anyway,) Tonight we had due a short essay post on "what is a Lutheran hymn?" Here is mine:

In contemplating throughout the week, I realized that a Lutheran hymns are powerful and meaningful because they speak two languages fluently to the core of who we are and are, as a result, undeniably transformative.

First, Lutheran hymns speak the language of a theological text, of what we believe and how we proclaim it to be true and active in our context today. This language details our identity as created and loved totally by God, sustained by the Holy Spirit, and centered in Christ crucified and risen. This “Lutheran” language necessarily flows from the Word of God, in scripture and the human experience of Christ as living Word in our lives. To proclaim and speak this Lutheran language, it must be corporate in origin – that we as the body of Christ sing together, responding to and proclaiming the gospel. But this language of theology we also take individually from our corporate song, out the doors of our churches, because we are comfortable with it and it becomes a part of our words of faith – to teach, care, explain, support, and renew our relationships and actions as Lutheran Christians. Lutheran hymns are even Lutheran in their paradox, of being personal as to resonate with our most core intimate beliefs, but being accessible, corporate, and inclusive, inviting all into faith.

Second, a Lutheran hymn speaks the language of music. The language of music is powerful and evocative. A hymn is a poetic text centered in faith set in a musical melody and used to worship God. Hymns have power to evoke deep emotions, memories, and experiences and become so ingrained in a people as to seem permanently cemented by tradition. Yet hymns and their music are a living part of the people, and they are subject to actually change tradition and create new interpretations, especially with good teaching. The music of a hymn shapes and interprets the context in which it is used, and is hence of parallel importance to preaching in a meaningful liturgy.

An objectively constructed definition of a Lutheran hymn will never fit perfectly. As each person sings, the words take on meaning and life, breathing through the people of faith. Just as languages are inextricably tied to and ever-changing by the dialect and context of a people, so are the theology and music of songs. Lutheranism calls us to be inclusive; one ought not be born or act in a certain tradition, status, or mode to be Lutheran, thus neither are our hymns exclusive in this way. We retain a strong heritage as Lutherans, but as the body of Christ grows in new ways, so we seek to preach the gospel in song from honest, local cultural contexts. The body of Lutheran hymnody will and ought ever be up for revision, re-interpretation, and careful thought, as we are called by the songs we love and the beliefs we hold centrally to worship our God in a way that proclaims God honestly, living in our lives today.

church.

2008-11-17T09:50:00.001-05:00

The last two weeks I spent worshipping at Bridge of Peace Community Church (ELCA). It is located in Camden, NJ and has an interesting history. It was established in 1950 as a part of the shipyards in a planned (white) laborer community. However, when the neighborhood changed and started to bow under the economic and environmental pressure and decline of the area, in the 1990s the congregation had shrunk and refused to reach out to the community. So the ELCA closed the congregation. In 2000 or so it re-opened as a mission start. One year ago it became an established church and left its mission status.
This church is quite different than congregations I had visited before. Pastor Giselle is passionate and this call is a great fit for her gifts. Yesterday after worship they had lunch and had Dr. Wengert speak to them on the topic "Giving the Devil his Due." It was such a great gift to worship there, hear from the pastor, but especially to see Dr. Wengert teach in this context. He listened to them, spoke to explain everything fully without being condescending, and gave a powerful talk which the congregation members respond to. I felt very spiritually refreshed by all this.
Bridge of Peace needs $780.00 per week to make ends meet and pay its bills. Yet, weekly they are falling far short, more like around half of the monies needed.
Next Sunday I will worship and preach at my home congregation, pictured here. What a world of difference. I will be preaching at the WELCA Thankoffering service, for which the readings shall be - Gen 1:26-30, Psalm 112, Romans 12:1-11, and Mark 12:38-44. This is different from the lectionary readings for this Sunday, which would have the gospel be Matthew 25:31-55, the sheep and the goats. I did write my first exegetical paper on the latter, the Matthew text, which I might post here. It was really interesting to write about it and I really felt the Spirit in that work immersing deeply in the text.

Peace+

camp mini-sermon - Amos 5:24

2008-11-13T16:06:00.000-05:00

Thursday Night Amos 5:24

Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

Who here has been creekwalking this week? Who has had bible study in the creek? Did anyone sit by the creek this week? Did anyone look at the rocks when going over twin bridge and think about the water?

So apparently, we have some experts here. Amos compares God's justice to water. Have you ever thought about a creek or a river? How does it travel? Does it go in a straight line? NO! It curves, it winds its way – this does not make sense – but it doesn't have to! So – there is a difference here – between the wold's justice, where we say everything has to be “equal” and logical.

But tonight we do not ask for the world's justice – tonight we cry out – hence the “let” part of it – Let justice roll down like waters – and righteousness like an ever flowing stream!

So God's justice – what is it? It's the rolling, rushing ever-flowing stream. It rushes through the plains and creates curves – not where we think they should be, not in straight lines but where God sees that it is needed. Just like the creek, we may not understand why God's justice does or even see it how moves exactly, but it is there, changing the landscape. The stream changes the landscape forever, just like how in the waters of baptism we are changed forever and that God's justice is like the stream in how it cannot be stopped – only diverted – kind of like the amazing energy this week has been unstoppable – with random singing and dancing, adventures caving and excavating,

But one of my favorite camp activities becomes part of our discussion tonight. Many of you have done it. We could leave here this week and say – so what – so what about God's justice – so what about the lost, the little, the least, the lifeless, and the last. Until, we find ourselves in their shoes. Until one of your friends leaves you behind or says something behind your back or until you are sick. . . So how do we live in this world of God's justice? It's simple – all you have to do – is go creekwalking – we are baptized and forever changed by God's justice through grace, but then we go off in the world, where we can be hurt – unless – we go creekwalking – we can walk and live in the stream of God's justice. The stream will never run out, it is ever flowing. And while we are still in the world, there will still be a slip or a rock here and there, if we creekwalk in the stream of God's justice, we will see a different life, a different justice. So how do you do this? There are little ways to do it everyday, but big ones too. Maybe you could help someone find their way that feels lost. Maybe you could talk to someone who always seems to be included last. I'm sure you can think of many other ways to live in the stream, to creekwalk in God's justice.

So my challenge to you – tonight – tomorrow- and as you go home – is to creekwalk – walk and live in the living water of God's justice. Just as we stand on mountain sculpted by that creek, God's justice will change your landscape. God's justice will flow on, rushing by, forever. So get in, the water's like nothing else. Creekwalk.

Seminary

2008-10-20T15:20:00.000-05:00

I feel obliged to write about seminary, like you'd write about a date, a recipe, steps of a dance, a good conversation with friends. But I am having trouble encapsulating it. Overall, I feel affirmed - academically, pastorally, et cetera. Thankfully, I also feel a little challenged, and in ways I did not necessarily expect. I am challenged to continually grow in my patience, how I listen and relate to others, and learning how to be there for people as they struggle in ways that may be different (or opposite) from my own. I am learning a lot about myself as of course I learn through my books. That sounds corny. But I am learning and remembering about myself that I am not perfect (important! and I am quite aware!) and that I really love caring for people, praying, and engaging with the bible.
My CPE interview reminded me that I am scarred in some ways (no, I did not cry! but just in that sometimes these interviews shake you into being a little more self-realistic) but also that I feel so blessed to be gifted for ministry.
Speaking of blessings, it was such an honor to go to Chicago for the fund for leaders dinner/events. It was neat to hear about the church on a larger scale and all the good it is able to do. I needed some affirming of that, in all of our seminarian vigor sometimes I think we forget to recognize all the good that is done. On the same time as that was amazing to look at the forest of the churchwide ELCA and meet bishops from all over, it was humbling to think of the very personal connection for people to give the great and meaningful gift of my education. Conversations from that quick trip will stick with me, especially with the seminarians from around the country as we start to grapple with our new seminary careers. The picture in this post is from that trip and is on the elca.org front page today! :) Thanks to Leslie who alerted me to it, I'm not sure I would have caught it.

I got my first big grade back today in sem., this paper posted below. I was proud that I had done quite well and hopeful that the one in the previous post does as well. So here it is, I welcome any comments:

-And then I should go back to studying . . . I have an exam tomorrow -

Love Calling Justice

the Theology of Gustavo Gutierrez

Gutierrez's “love letter to God” reads as a visceral, necessary yearning for justice in the world in all forms. It is centered in that ajgavph love for and with God he holds so near. This type of love, ajgavph, meaningfully translated “charity” in KJV, not only means but necessitates justice, and Gutierrez's theology centers in justice serving as the church's central mission. I have reflected often on Walter Benton's poetic words about human love and how they apply so well to God's love for us, and I think they underscore Gutierrez's deep love for God and the parallel call for justice:

“Because hate is legislated . . . written into
the primer and the testament,
Because our day is of time, of hours --- and the clock-hand turns,
closes the circle upon us: and black timeless night
sucks us in like quicksand, receives us totally --
without a raincheck or a parachute, a key to heaven or the last long look
I need love more than ever now . . . I need your love,
I need love more than hope or money, wisdom or a drink
Because slow negative death withers the world . . .”¹

Justice is this love, the work of God, among and for the people, the central mission of the church which brings joy – the type of joy through love that is so necessary – as Jesus Christ, the prophets of the Hebrew scriptures, Benton, and Gutierrez all cry out for.

Justice is at its root balance, and not necessarily equality in the quid pro quo sense we consider it today. Gutierrez's writings often reflect on these careful balances which create justice in God's kingdom and church – between silence and dialogue, acceptance and “inculturation.” Ultimately, justice is a practice – the central practice of the church. Gutierrez writes, “discipleship of Jesus falls precisely in the realm of practice, upon which we are interested in reflecting the light of the Word of the Lord.”² Discipleship must be then practical and visible in its response, which causes us to open our eyes and look for those situations which most need our attention.

We as the people of God are called to discipleship of justice, through which we should open our eyes to be best aware of our world and its needs – and as we do, what will we see? “By deepening and broadening the link between faith and justice, we can more adequately and fruitfully grasp the incisive challenge of poverty.”³ Concern, action, and advocacy for the poor is central in Gutierrez's practice of theology. Raising up the poor is a theological action of God through people, and hopefully people as the body of Christ, to create joy. This is true joy – not only surface human joy because people are helped, but God's joy in having his creation uplifted and treated fairly. There is also an inherent, more subtle justice in the power of listening to the poor and disenfranchised, something Gutierrez holds as paramount. The interrelation between God, joy, and people (including the church) is inseparable. To love the poor is to be Christ to and for them, and to struggle with them is to listen to them, to intercede for them in prayer as the church on Earth, just as the Holy Spirit does for us.

Since theology, as Gutierrez upholds, is an “ecclesial function,”⁴ and theology is not carried out individually or in isolation, then justice must be the work of the church, as the body of Christ. Because we are as the church called to live out our theology, doing so creates fullness, and in that, joy. Therefore, Gutierrez's love letter to God, his life and writings of theology, reveals what some of what the letter says, of what it would look like to live out our theology, and strive for a divine justice. In addition to the high priority of the poor, this justice includes being more inwardly aware of the world and the Word around oneself in each moment. God's justice does not mean that everyone ought to have the exact same lot – rather, Gutierrez's theology is aware of the importance of identity, in people and the church. He acknowledges that it is a great danger that we as the church might, in the name of justice, try to assimilate and subjugate peoples, cultures, (and I would add forms of spirituality), “There is much to learn from this will to unification, which does not forget the difference among the various aspects involved, but which also keeps in mind both the common source and the one final destiny of those human dimensions.”⁵ Gutierrez ties here the four central elements of his theology: we are diverse people, who as the church are called to unification, to create and have peaceful joy, in response to the joy of being created and saved by God.

Justice is the defining message of the gospel, and it does not mean that everyone ought have what I, or my congregation, or the larger church might see as best or most divinely fair and fitting. As a Lutheran (and I think Gutierrez would not disagree), I see justice as integral as my response to the expansive grace which I am given and yet do not deserve. Thankfully, I am not alone, and we as the people of God, can do so much together, as one body of Christ, when we set justice at the core of our mission. Gutierrez's love for God, and his theology which professes it, is elemental and practical at its core – joy, people, church, and God, held together by the central mission of justice in God's kingdom.

a paper on understanding the church.

2008-10-02T19:20:00.000-05:00

“O paradoxical mystery!”¹

The perspectives and voices of the early church are charged with the paradox of being excited and joyful about their life in Christ and yet surrounding that joy with mystery, composed of secrecy and fear of the “other.” These roots, embedded in the theology and history of the early church, are ones which by its own nature start to break up and present challenges to the unity of a so-called catholic church in a diverse, pluralistic world. It is important that we as the church today, and upholding many of these traditions and beliefs established and practiced by the ancient church, understand the history and development of that early church. In developing this understanding, pivotal questions are raised which ask us to examine ourselves as the current church. Have we moved away or are we still living the ecclesiological mystery? Are we living as a church who, through not defining itself loudly to the world, lives a paradox of supposedly calling through evangelism but keeping secret who we are and what we do? Is it possible to understand the church to be both united as the body of Christ and necessarily diverse, without trying to change or colonize the diversity within the body?

The environment of the first three centuries C.E. influenced the development of the early church directly in a variety of ways. Each of these factors shaped the identity of the understanding of what the Christian church was to be; through these factors the church developed a paradoxical identity, resulting in the mystery. The early church tried to carve out an identity and loyalty from the dominant culture and reinforce the radical belief of true monotheism. Clement of Alexandria² and others emphasize this view, pulling the church's corporate identity from 1 Peter 2:9, “chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people, in order that you may proclaim the mighty acts of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” Despite the latter part of the verse's insistence on evangelism, fear and insecurity are dominant in the early church. Hence, there is reflected in the perspectives of the early church writers and apologists a fear of the “other,” a sense of danger at hand and importance of following strictly the close-knit community of Christ that they were building. Ignatius represents this paradox well: “It is good to stay away from such persons and not even to talk about them . . . But flee division as the worst of evils.”³ Such a fear of corrupting one's own blessing by being involved with any type of heresy would naturally develop an aura of inclusion/exclusion, of insecurity which would propagate the mystery of church from its beginnings.

Other factors emerge as historically and traditionally significant in understanding the church. The governmental, political, and social establishment contemporary to the early church dictated a dangerous world for early Christians, making it hard to live out a public faith, especially one which asked one to be in the world but not of the world. The dominant culture could not comprehend the church because of its stance in society as so separate – as “Celsus opposed the 'sectarian' tendencies at work in the Christian movement because he saw in Christianity a 'privatizing' of religion . . . It was, however, not simply that Christians subverted the cities by refusing to participate in civic life, but that they undermined the foundations of the societies in which they lived.”⁴ The church, in taking the advice of Jesus and Paul to not be conformed to this world, developed a mysterious sense to outsiders, which would make them question what the church held at its center.

The apostolic tradition was seen as the central gift and heritage which was meant to be the compass for understanding the church from the inside out in years to come. The church was surrounded by a pluralistic, diverse, and quickly changing culture, the Christians recognize the apostolic works and traditions as the Word of God and feel it their call to not let the world distract them from it. This is especially challenging, given the wide growth of the church to Gentiles and people of all types who were used to the faith of Greco-Roman polytheism and the wild and grassroots popularity of mystery cults. These represented a wider culture which deemed it perfectly acceptable to worship a variety of ways, religions, and gods, without any internal dissonance or disloyalty.

Yet early Christian writers are clear in that their new church is set apart, in clear opposition, and nothing should distract them from the truth not only of Jesus Christ, but the apostolic tradition. Irenaeus writes clearly about this in Against Heresies, “It is not appropriate to seek among others the truth which it is easy to obtain from the church, for the apostles conferred fully on her all that there is of the truth, like the rich deposit money in the banks, so that whoever wants to may obtain the water of life from her . . . It is necessary certainly to avoid them, but to choose with the highest care what is of the church and to lay hold on the tradition of the truth.”⁵ This intense devotion to the Christian apostolic tradition in action and words seems a near-universal theme in the early writers and from the Didache (11.1-2)⁶, which ironically leads to division, fear, labeling as heresy, and a devotion to protecting the central Christian truth. What an important lesson for us as Christians today, the power of defining lines of faith so sharply that we put some on the outside. There are so many relevant questions from these ancient themes which we must ask ourselves today, for which I do not expect to have the answers. Do we still limit the gospel in the names of “unity” and “tradition?” Do we explain our traditions enough and forthright enough to be open to inviting the whole world to be the body of Christ? Is this paradox of who we are as church, as body of Christ, simply a reflection of the paradox we live in faith and daily life – simul iustus et peccator? Especially as a Lutheran, perhaps we can understand the church most fully by embracing that balance of paradox.

In conclusion, it is of paramount importance that in discussing the balanced paradox that the church lives to establish and recognize the great joy and idealistic unity the early Christians saw themselves as a part. So perhaps it is most fitting to end with a very old statement which still resonates to the hope we feel in our expression of the church today and in the future, from Clement of Alexandria, ““As we are made good, let us strive for unity in the same way, seeking the good Monad. Now the union of many, taking on a divine harmony from multiple notes and differences, becomes a divine symphony, when it follows one truth, saying, 'Abba, Father' (Mark 14:36; Rom 8:15). God welcomes this sound as the one which is truly from his own children and receives from them their first fruits.”⁷ Amen.

1Clement of Alexandria. The Instructor. “The Church as the 'Born Again' Children of God” Understandings of the

Church. Trans. and ed. E Glenn Hinson. (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 48

2Clement of Alexandria. Exhortation to the Greeks. “The Church as the 'Born Again' Children of God” Understandings

of the Church. Trans. and ed. E Glenn Hinson. (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 46.

3Ignatius of Antioch, Epistle to the Smyrnaeans. “Nothing Without the Bishop.” Understandings of the Church. Trans.

and ed. E Glenn Hinson. (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 26.

4Robert Louis Wilken. The Christians as the Romans saw them. (Yale University Press, 1984), 125.

5Irenaeus, Against Heresies. “The Church as the Bank of Apostolic Truth.” Understandings of the Church. Trans. and ed.

E Glenn Hinson. (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 41.

6Didache. “The Gathering of a Scattered People.” Understandings of the Church. Trans. and ed. E. Glenn Hinson.

(Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 23.

7Clement of Alexandria. Exhortation to the Greeks. “The Church as the 'Born Again' Children of God” Understandings

of the Church. Trans. and ed. E Glenn Hinson. (Eugene, OR: Wipf and Stock, 2005), 47.

prolog reflection 2 - thinking theologically

2008-08-22T07:18:00.000-05:00

What follows is my second reflection for prolog - on two sessions we had on 8/20 with three professors each taking a different slant on preparing to "think theologically." But I should mention my fabulous house here in Philly! My roommates and I lucked out and are living in a house which until now had been a professor's home with his family. It is huge, stone, quite old, with neat architecture and interesting details. See the picture at right!

Prolog Reflection – Thinking Theologically

I believe that we have to examine our own perspective quite well before we can try to lay aside our biases and think theologically as Christians first. So yesterday's sessions made me reflect on who I am – where I come from and how my faith was shaped – and how that impacts my theological thinking. First I think it an important distinction, though an obvious one, that my faith and my theology are quite different things. Faith is gifted through the Holy Spirit, and cannot be increased by our own power or by study, unlike the strength of one's theology.

So who am I? By looking at me you can see that I am a white, middle class female. I realize that I come from a privileged background. But certain things shape the way I am and approach diversity that are not outwardly apparent. Both my mother and father grew up in poor households in New England. So, although we were economically stable enough for my mom to stay home and raise us, a priority to her, my parents kept a tight budget and put other things ahead of the things my brother and I wanted. I could list the little sacrifices and choices my parents made to keep things lean, but that is not what is most important. What is important is that even though they did not discuss it, my parents acted out of their faith to put their own comfort behind the needs of others and their call to ministry. Through the church, my parents put financial giving and social ministry work as an important part of their lives. As a kid I always thought people just gave stuff away regularly and that everyone did things with the homeless and mentally disabled. Dr.s Grafton and Scott's comments made me reflect on what cultural perspective I come from, while Dr.s Grafton and Leonard's comments made me reflect on who I am to become in my call.

Part of who my parents shaped me to be, my own personal cultural perspective is to be very hungry for an academic challenge. So when Dr.s Pahl and Rajashekar,especially, shared their thoughts on thinking theologically, I felt quite inspired and excited to be starting down this academic road. I loved how they all spoke so passionately and like teachers, not just lecturers. Dr. Pahl's way of evaluating cultural narratives was really interesting to me and having always been a student of cultural history, I liked how he described his field. I felt affirmed in my own beliefs by Dr. Rajashekar's simple assertion that there is no theological absolute and that they are all culturally bound and hence biased.

Jesus asks his disciples to lay aside everything – their culture, their loved ones, and their lives – in order to open up their minds enough to barely think theologically with Jesus. I hope to, as Dr. Grafton described, have the faith and strength of belief to lay aside part my culture to take up my cross and follow my call as a Christian first.

prolog reflection 1

2008-08-22T07:13:00.000-05:00

I moved to Philly August 15 and started orientation and prolog here at LTSP shortly thereafter. We have prolog which is basically like a two-week long into to seminary and theology. Actual classes start Sept. 2. For prolog, we had to write a reflection after the first couple days to share in our small group - mine is below:

For me prolog is not about the process, the academic, the newness of things around me. Like our salvation, from the Lutheran perspective, I feel this beginning is one of those “already and not yet” kind of situations – we are here but we perhaps do not feel like it is the full experience yet. I trust in God and know that in just a couple short weeks or even days this will be our “home” as a community together, and that is something that God does, not something that I control. So, worry is not the dominant emotion here. After all, Jesus talks a lot about not worrying. Despite all of the change that has broken into so many parts of our lives – our schedules, our geographical space, our focus, our friends, Christ is still at the center.

In these first couple days of prolog what has struck me strongest is the amazing diversity that God has pulled together in this one place. Not only that we are here, but how the Spirit has acted in our lives in such different ways to call, enlighten, and empower us to serve in such different ways. What keeps coming back to me are the verses from Romans (and echoed throughout the gospels) 12:4-8 “For as in one body we have many members, and not all the members have the same function, so we, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually we are members of one another. We have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us: prophecy, in proportion to faith; ministry, in ministering; the teacher, in teaching; the exhorter, in exhortation; the giveer, in generosity; the leader, in diligence; the compassionate, in cheerfulness.” After listening to the faith stories of those around me the last couple days, those verses kept coming to mind. We are the body of Christ, shaped by the Spirit, and our gifts are so different. I feel very affirmed so far that LTSP is not going to try to fit us into one mold or another but that recognizes that we are different, with different and diverse gifts for ministry. That is one of the things that drew me to this place, so I am trying to soak up as much as I can from the variety of perspectives and faith stories that are shared.

I find that in my life the times that my faith has grown most dramatically are those times when I am humbled in one way or another. Here I am humbled now by the stories of faith I hear around me, the life experiences, the dramatic differences Christ has made and continues to make in our lives. I do know that I am young and I as we all have a long and curving road ahead of me, in seminary and in pursuing my call in the larger sense. Right now I feel that I cannot possibly take in everything that is around me with the new start here in seminary, but I don't have to. So I don't worry, this is God's work in all of us. Like Jesus says in Matthew & Luke - “So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. . . Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is the father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom!”

My first sermon!

2008-07-08T14:34:00.001-05:00

This Sunday started my week off of camp and Pastor B was going to be away from CTK in Slidell, so he asked me last week to preach this past Sunday. I have preached before but on a topic or on a special Sunday. Here are the readings:

Zechariah 9:9-12
Rejoice greatly, O daughter Zion! Shout aloud, O daughter Jerusalem! Lo, your king comes to you; triumphant and victorious is he, humble and riding on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey. He will cut off the chariot from Ephraim and the war-horse from Jerusalem; and the battle bow shall be cut off, and he shall command peace to the nations; his dominion shall be from sea to sea, and from the River to the ends of the earth. As for you also, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will set your prisoners free from the waterless pit. Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double.

Romans 7:15-25
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Matthew 11:16-19, 25-30
But to what will I compare this generation? It is like children sitting in the marketplaces and calling to one another, 'We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not mourn. 'For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, 'He has a demon'; the Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!' Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds." At that time Jesus said, "I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and the intelligent and have revealed them to infants; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light

And here is my sermon . . .

My favorite movie for a long time was Dead Poet's Society, in which Robin Williams plays a
teacher at a male boarding school who inspires his students. In one scene, he leads his students out to the courtyard, and instructs them to take a walk. Students wander around the yard, but before long, two, then three, then the group are marching in time and clapping to a rhythm. Robin Williams' character, Mr. Keating, questions them – saying – you were free to walk however you wanted, but after not long at all you fell into conformity, into

one stride, into the pressure of the group. Have you ever been given freedom – perhaps when you graduated from a school or stood at the crossroads of new employment or a new relationship – and felt – not so free anymore?

Freedom is a very weighty word for us, tied to so closely to our national identity. Most of us when we think about freedom, especially in terms of us as Americans, think about freedom as freedom from restrictions. We value the freedom to buy as much as we want, seek the job we choose, and live where we want. These are all great blessings we enjoy and

give thanks for. However, with all those come pressures, anxieties about money, health, the future, our safety, the safety of our stuff! What a paradox we have, of life out of balance! What a sense of irony is at hand here!

Paul feels this paradox very personally when he describes the inner conflict in Romans 7. The freedom that he has been given by God leaves him in this paradox, on this scale, tipping to either side. Heart versus body, sin versus will, good versus evil. In fact if Paul were to try to find the solution to this “war” within his own self, there would be no resolution he says, retched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! – and isn't it beautiful that the answer to this great and convoluted passage of conflict is so simple – Christ – and thanks be to God for that.

If Christ is this simple answer for finding a deeper freedom, not a freedom from restrictions but a freedom that means more, on a deeper level. . . then how do we find that freedom? How do we meet Christ in such a way as to fall into this gift?

Jesus answers in Matthew - Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

This sounds great! Easy! Light! But we are still the ox in this situation, the ox under the yoke. How can we be free if we are yoked? Christ's yoke, just like one for oxen, if you can picture it, offers us two aspects which are both freeing and gracious. First, we are given freedom from our burdens, from our weariness in the world through Christ, but this freedom of release is granted as we are granted freedom for the work given to us by the Holy Spirit. Our yoke is easy. But the Greek word, chrestos, can also be translated as fit for use, good, manageable, or suited for a specific purpose. So our yoke it is suited for us, made for the wearer, perfect in its completeness for the job that needs to be done.

Our Christian call, granted to us by the Holy Spirit, is where we find that delicate balance between the work of the yoke and the rest that it gives. Have you ever had a moment when you have been needed and you have been just the right person for the job at hand? Perhaps you were helping a friend, or were just the right person to fix that computer, that tool, that situation between co-workers. This gospel struck me so strongly when I was approached by a friend this week in a moment of severe crisis, needing help – and – I was the one she asked for help. As I spoke to her I didn't analyze, I just did the job at hand, I just went, like an ox in a yoke, driven forward, and everything else fell away, all my other worries.

My sense of call has been shaped by moments by this, where I have felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit that this is my yoke, this is my spot. As I grow more and more excited about entering seminary at Philadelphia in the fall, I know that it will not be easy in the sense that we always think of it, as lenient or undemanding, but that I was made for it, and that through the power of the Holy Spirit, I and you, come to Christ, each fitted for the yoke, freed from the world and for our purpose.

When you come into the work of the Spirit, everything you had worried about, all the little things that had been revolving in your mind disappear, as you go to work there is a moment of clarity, you are in the zone, and the job is done, you move forward under the yoke with freedom for the task at hand . . . because the yoke is easy, and the burden is light . . . It is so powerful to me that we each are called into this relation with Christ in our baptism – we are baptized into the death of Christ, taking on our yoke – and raised again to new life, freed for our purpose. . . What if we, instead of falling into step of conformity, with society, so easily like in the scene from the movie I described at the beginning, we all tried to fall into step with our yoke?

Each of the readings for today have the strong conflict of juxtaposed paradoxes, of freedom and slavery, of the confusion created by humanity without grace. With Jesus we are invited into relationship, to the yoke. We are made for our yoke. We are the right tool for the job, and when we follow our call, go where we are driven, it is easy. We are children and hence the Father will bear the weight for us, but our path is light because He is the only one who can take our burdens. Amen.

The issue (challenge?) with the golden rule . . .

2008-01-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

One of my sweetest, most mature students has come to me repeatedly this past week very frustrated. Her problem: She tries her hardest to be a responsible, giving friend and peer to those around her, and does not see it reciprocated. Our conversations as well as those as with other relationships in my life got me thinking - sometimes the challenge with the "golden" rule is that it can be that the "others" do not want or outright reject you for what you feel is your giving treatment of them. I was thinking and praying over this and these relationships and thinking of interactions in general, when I returned to the text from Luke 6:

27 "But I (Jesus!) say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. ^F55 Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. 37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; 38 give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back."

It can be a painful lesson to keep going and offer the other cheek and keep going. I find it interesting and relevant to these relationships now in this reading though that it is give what they ask for . . . or later in the verses just to do your best and give of yourself whatever you can, without judging a person or trying to evaluate (without having their true perspective) what their needs are. I often return in my thoughts to verse 35 - but only the first part - I am assured of the reward, the second part, and it is not what I strive for. This is not a give and take (action/reward) to me, but a emotional, intellectual, and behavioral perspective by which I can more deeply walk with Christ. It is hard as well to expect nothing in return, and I suppose after writing all this that is eventually what I, my student, and we all struggle with, and I have written at length in the past.
She, my student, is so good and helpful to her friends and peers, only to have them forget about her or not consider/involve her later. Which makes me think even all the more, how much more is Christ's sacrifice and God's grace - when we feel such injury from doing good and then being spurned with trivial little daily human things, and yet we walk far away from God in sin and DAILY most of us do not give our faith relationship the nourishment that it needs . . . Do to others as we would have them do to us. We "would have" God grant us the grace, mercy, and forgiveness and continual everlasting life . . . Yet what do we do to God to reflect that gift? I suppose that out of that question comes the vocation of our lives, big picture and little, daily actions and life paths.

Side note - we were reading (in Matthew) this passage this week . . . and I'm sure that some have lived much more extreme examples, but I think teaching has given me a lot of real perspective on the first part of this passage - Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
There are some students (some I have taught for 3 years now) who, at best, do no good to me but curse me. But in the end they have taught me how hard this is, and to truly pray for them in earnest, and turn the other cheek and bless them. So in the end they have done me good, I suppose. My first year of teaching it was a daily challenge to forgive them and I would say I did very poorly at it, often going into classes still irritated at past behaviors and hence not able to be calm or adult enough to move past it. But God is good, and he grants us the strength to grow through him if we work on it and ask. Some of my relationships with these students have quite evolved . . .

I pray for many things and people this week. . . I also pray with great hope that next week will be better.
I am very tired as I write this so I do not know how coherent it is, apologies.

Peace and love in Christ

Progress!

2008-01-05T18:21:00.000-05:00

Progress is an exciting thing. Today I finalized and submitted my applications to Southern and Philly. Exciting! I have a couple parts still to send, but it is nice to be really on my way and see that in a concrete way. I should be meeting with the candidacy committee as planned this January. . . These are good things.
Aside from this, I am extremely bogged down and overwhelmed with schoolwork. I should have put in a little more time with schoolwork over break perhaps, but I worked for about five or so days on it solid and otherwise decided to be good to myself and spend time with my family and Blake. Posted is a picture of me with my family on Christmas day. Schoolwork is overwhelming and stressful, but I am really enjoying and delighting in my relationships with my students and trying to make the best of and enjoy teaching as this will be the last time, perhaps, for teaching certain things. I continue to have students come to me having decided that they want to be Latin teachers, and that is such a joy.
At this point, I am actually looking forward to the day when I can share with my students my excitement and call toward seminary and rostered ministry in the church. I know that some of my students will keep in touch, at least for a little while, and that I have made some impact on some lives in my years of teaching.

In applying for seminary, I added some to my candidacy discernment essay, to reflect these years of teaching:

Taking time in between undergraduate studies and seminary was without a doubt the best choice for me. I have grown up in so many ways, been challenged and tested in finding my own church, my own faith community and friends in a place where I did not know anyone, and working toward my call. Life has presented me opportunities and challenges which have given me more maturity than some of my peers at 24 years old. This includes working through a broken engagement and starting a new relationship with someone who better supports and rejoices at my call to ministry. This also includes working with students who view me as a trusted adult and counselor and come to me with struggles like thoughts of suicide and severe medical diagnoses, including cancer. It has been a joy to be a young adult in a congregation and find my place and meet new people - through this I have worked as a Sunday School Teacher, led bible studies when the pastor is absent, and working as the adult advisor for two years organizing the Virginia Synod's middle school youth retreat.
Teaching is such a valuable, challenging ministry, and my three years of teaching has taught me so much. As a teacher in a public school, respecting the regulations and separation of church and state, one of the most important things I have learned is how to live out and share my faith with my students though trying to work as a strong example and developing meaningful personal relationships with my students. I see it as a Spirit-driven work in having become a teacher who my students and peers respect, come to with their problems, and to whom they open up to conversation and thought as to my faith in conversations after school. My faith is an inseparable part of my identity, and the defining characteristic which I hope to bring to the world and I have worked on bringing to my duties and relationships as a teacher.

Amen!

Teaching is a ministry.

2007-10-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

Teaching, for all my cynicism and exhaustion, is such a ministry. A lot of my cynicism comes from not understanding the teachers who regard their job as a way to do the bare minimum or teachers who react to students in a very un-Christian way. I have a hard time relating and also not relating my faith in a more vocal, explicit way. . . But back on track . . .
This year I am teaching 14 sections of Latin, 9 curricula, in six blocks. I get paid a seventh or so more of my salary for teaching the sixth block, but obviously that's not really compensation for the work I do. Unlike hardly ever before, I find my procrastination trait stunted by the sheer amount of work I have to do and still keeping myself and my students to a high expectation of excellence. I do not have the time I had for myself as I have had at almost any time before. Yet I find that by continuing to regard teaching more and more as a ministry, I find strength in it. I want to help more, though, be more involved, but I know my boundaries.
I will be visiting LTSPhilly soon, so I am excited about that, and considering maybe visiting one of the midwest ones like Trinity or Wartburg. Going to finish up applications, work on getting my references and transcripts in soon.
Teaching is exhausting me, and this impossible schedule is causing me in some ways to be challenged by relying on my faith even more yet also having to pick between getting stuff done, allowing time for Christ and community in my life, and being good to myself/relaxing (which is most often the latter).
I have found very simple comfort in a few verses which roll in my mind, especially as I am called daily to make decisions on how to best treat my students and act as a role model. Here are a few:

The Lord God has given me the tongue of a teacher, ^F153 that I may know how to sustain the weary with a word. Morning by morning he wakens� wakens my ear to listen as those who are taught. 5 The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious, I did not turn backward. 6 I gave my back to those who struck me, and my cheeks to those who pulled out the beard; I did not hide my face from insult and spitting. 7 The Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame; 8 he who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who are my adversaries? Let them confront me. 9 It is the Lord God who helps me; who will declare me guilty?
27 "But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. ^F55 Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

This is a passage I have especially prayed over - I have a (potentially) important relationship with each of my 100 something students, and it is so easy to love the ones that love me and do good to me. It is my call though, to offer everything I can, and give whatever is asked to the least of my students. This is hard, and I am especially reminded of this call when my students are surprised at the number of chances I give them or, for instance, when I give them infinite opportunity to come in and re-take a quiz for a better grade and they set a time and do not show up. I don't get mad - it's too much energy and against my will. I just offer them another option. I am trying my very best to be merciful. In the past I think I have limited the amount of grace I gave my students because I didn't want to be walked over or constantly abused, but I think that with the right tone, that doesn't happen, and it isn't for me to stop. I have my expectations and rules, but if they abuse mercy given to them, that's not my burden, it falls upon them. (oh boy, I feel like I am rambling)

10 Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant ^F3 of Christ.

amen! Alleluia!

All this being said, what keeps me going day to day is moving joyously closer and closer to seminary! I can't wait to be back learning more (though I do learn so much daily as a teacher) about theology, parish life, having new, challenging experiences! What a joy that brings. The sorrow of having to eventually share my departure with my students and colleagues is now mostly excitement over being finally able to share my plans with them and my joy in my call!

P.S.: Having been praying about and trying to further discern, I have been thinking more about possibly eventually, after some time in a parish, working toward a doctorate so I could teach in seminary or something along those lines? We'll see. . . many people have also made a point of saying that they think that that call might fit my gifts well also. Comments?

shiny on the inside . . . 32 stones

2007-08-20T15:56:00.000-05:00

For there is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

32 stones were put in as permanent markers of the shooting at VT. . . Really? 32? I think I have spoken of this here before, but it really blows my mind that in our world of political correctness, grace could not be had to put up that 33rd stone for the shooter, Cho. For there is no distinction. . . no one would have to put flowers there or pray, and yes it may anger some, but wasn't the greatest tragedy (in one way) in his lost life?

all have sinned . . . Grace abounds.

I think it is true that, as I have heard before, that mental illness is one of the last truly large prejudices and least publicly understood of the interpersonal challenges that confront us. There is such grief, to me, in the shooter's mental illness. There is also frustration in seeing on the NBC coverage of the investigation of the shooting that the summary or sound byte of the reasoning for the shooting was "several institutional safeguards" fell through. That makes no sense to me, and seems to throw blame on the social or institutional system, instead of just acknowledging this as a tragedy. I do not see why an investigation is necessary, but I know many of the parents and those involved would disagree. We are never really safe from these things, as much as we'd like to think we are - he had every right to be on campus and in those buildings - the report should be instead on how devastating depression and mental illness can be. Posted as a comment on a CNN story on this:

What's going to happen when a student goes to the student health with symptoms of depression? Are they going to be immediately locked up in a psychiatric hospital against their will? This actually happened to my daughter at Duke. I worry about a backlash against people with mental illness. It seems like our desire to be "safe" is going to take away all our civil rights and make it less likely that people with mental illness get the treatment they need. Mental illness can happen to anyone. You all talk like it's something that will never happen to you. (I'm not far removed from Tech, either; one of my sons was in nearby Cowgill Hall on April 16, and the other one is on campus this fall.)

I think he makes an important point, something that had been forming in my own mind as well. The other comments made by the anonymous public on this CNN article are much less kind and call Cho many things and words that strike me as immature. It worries me that I think the public is more likely to be sheep and look for a "reason" for tragedies such as this, rather than being conscious of being loving, open, unjudging, and Christ-like to our neighbor. It seems like for every safety-shattering event, we (Americans? or people in general?) seem to want to have an answer - or a scapegoat - for this one, it is those institutional safeguards, for 9/11 it is the enemy and the eye for an eye perspective, for Columbine and school shootings of the last decade, it has been gun control and the violence in our culture (speaking of which, everyone should read Culture of Fear). . .

The trend of God in the Old Testament and Christ in the New to choose the afflicted, to illustrate the Samaritan as our neighbor, to support those cast out by society, etc. is just a further testament to the true solution to all of this . . .

Let me hear what God the Lord will speak, for he will speak peace to his people, to his faithful, to those who turn to him in their hearts. ^F177 9 Surely his salvation is at hand for those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. 10 Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet; righteousness and peace will kiss each other. 11 Faithfulness will spring up from the ground, and righteousness will look down from the sky. 12 The Lord will give what is good, and our land will yield its increase. 13 Righteousness will go before him, and will make a path for his steps. Psalm 85: 8-13.

Completely unrelated - on CBS' Sunday Morning program this past week, they had an examination of atheism. It was at least a little bit thought-provoking, especially as I think of friends who struggle against that in their own environments and conversations I have had with others. But I feel no need for proof, not in the least. However, I feel I can still relate my true experience of faith through very relateable (sp?), human terms, and that sharing is important in explaining the "why" of faith. It is also something that, as for me, it takes most people a while to be comfortable with, sharing one's faith openly.

Pray for all 33. The current foreign policy and U.S. gov't (particularly executive) tries to be so steeped in conservatism and Christianity but particularly forgets to pray for its enemies and remember them as equals, as in the Romans verse from the top of the page. (Which, by the way, I heard recently Luther said "I'd rather vote for a smart atheist rather than a dumb Christian")
Christ himself teaches us, as hard as it may be, not to vilify our enemy, as our culture preaches, but:

(Jesus said in Matthew 5) "44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, ^F44 what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

vocations conference candidacy retreat

2007-08-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

Candidacy for ordination in the ELCA is not one easy step or two and some time in seminary. My parents' continual question has been "Really? You have to do all that? . . . Seminary is four years? Then you get called to who knows where?" Friends have been supportive and continuously encouraged me that they feel I have gifts for ministry, but it is hard to explain to them the many steps of candidacy and the process all the way through ordination.
I just returned from Vocations Conference, and I feel very blessed and supported in the process. I feel that these three years have made me so confident in my call. That has come from growing up in relationships and experiences I have had, having to make hard choices to bring me closer to my call, finding a new church where I knew no one and becoming involved as an adult, and feeling the Spirit move in ways hard to explain to increase my faith, especially when working for the church or ministering to others.
The candidacy committee was extremely supportive and I was glad also in some ways that from when I entered candidacy till I enter seminary next year will take me two years because I feel like I know the committee much better and am more comfortable with the process. I will have my entrance interview and decision with the committee january 7th or 8th, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about getting it all moving, and having that first of three big candidacy decisions done. Yay! Alleluia!
It was particularly exciting, among others, to see Kate and Pastor Ballentine there. Kate and I had a great conversation about Visions and Expectations and just about seminary life in general. Seems like even though I have been a bad friend and not kept in touch, we pick up where we left off and have really meaningful conversations, because we seem to have similar paths of discernment. Pastor Ballentine is simply amazing - having him as a pastor for my four years in the 'burg was the most formative part of my faith journey thus far. I think it was Spirit-led how his gifts, guidance, and mentorship matched up so well with the style of ministry which I most prefer and respond to. It is now a further blessing that he is the chaplain for the candidacy committee. I am really glad I got to speak with him and that he is healthy.

Speaking of which, I thought his sermon this past Sunday was phenomenal on the Luke 12 reading.

Though I am trying to find a more upbeat version, I really like the canticle of the turning. (click for mp3)

Though I am small, my God, my all, you work great things in me,
And your mercy will last from the depths of the past to the end of the age to be.Your very name puts the proud to shame, and to those who would for you yearn, You will show your might, put the strong to flight, for the world is about to turn.

Peace <><

Expecting nothing in return.

2007-08-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.

As I look on to the future and try to put off my creeping anxieties. . .

So much of our sin is wrapped up in "I deserve" or "I saw (your/their) need, so I did X, so I expect Y in return" or even the more touchy, "I have been though so much lately, I really deserve this. . . "

I think a hard part of really serving Christ and seeking to follow him is learning to ask Christ for all things and give of yourself in all ways asked, but not to expect any more in return except to know that God will not give us more than we can handle, that

"Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? 10 Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" ~Matthew 7:9-11

Learning to leave expectations at the wayside is something Christ is really pushing me to learn right now. I feel Spirit-led to give of myself in so many ways (monetarily, temporally, lovingly, and of my time and energy), and it is a source of joy. I really find Christ in little moments (like tutoring some of my students (for free) who want to get ahead this summer) and it is wonderful.

Something I've always struggled with is holding others to a very high level of my own personal expectations with them. In high school, I couldn't understand and was disappointed when my peers cheated or were dishonest. I told on them. In college, I had some "issues," let's call them, getting along with roommates, possibly because of my expectations for them. I expected my college romantic relationship to turn out a certain way, and it did - I was engaged. But my expectations which I had so long held didn't end up meeting my needs or happiness. Often I think God likes to turn my fussiness on end by showing me the complexity of people. As a high school teacher, I am regularly disappointed by my students who are (as we all are, though!) struggling to find themselves and fit in. I sometimes get so crestfallen when a student who I saw as such a great kid walked outside of my expectations of them. But really, it is usually my expectations that are at fault.
Expectations are a form of judgment. And as much as we slip easily and are encouraged to do so by our culture, it is against Christ's will for us:

1 Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others; for in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things. 2 You say, ^F7 "We know that God's judgment on those who do such things is in accordance with truth." 3 Do you imagine, whoever you are, that when you judge those who do such things and yet do them yourself, you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you despise the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience? Do you not realize that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 5 But by your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath, when God's righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 For he will repay according to each one's deeds: 7 to those who by patiently doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; 8 while for those who are self-seeking and who obey not the truth but wickedness, there will be wrath and fury. 9 There will be anguish and distress for everyone who does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek, 10 but glory and honor and peace for everyone who does good, the Jew first and also the Greek. 11 For God shows no partiality. 12 All who have sinned apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. 13 For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous in God's sight, but the doers of the law who will be justified. 14 When Gentiles, who do not possess the law, do instinctively what the law requires, these, though not having the law, are a law to themselves. 15 They show that what the law requires is written on their hearts, to which their own conscience also bears witness; and their conflicting thoughts will accuse or perhaps excuse them 16 on the day when, according to my gospel, God, through Jesus Christ, will judge the secret thoughts of all.
17 But if you call yourself a Jew and rely on the law and boast of your relation to God 18 and know his will and determine what is best because you are instructed in the law, 19 and if you are sure that you are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, 20 a corrector of the foolish, a teacher of children, having in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth, 21 you, then, that teach others, will you not teach yourself? While you preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You that forbid adultery, do you commit adultery? You that abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You that boast in the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 For, as it is written, "The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you." 25 Circumcision indeed is of value if you obey the law; but if you break the law, your circumcision has become uncircumcision. 26 So, if those who are uncircumcised keep the requirements of the law, will not their uncircumcision be regarded as circumcision? 27 Then those who are physically uncircumcised but keep the law will condemn you that have the written code and circumcision but break the law. 28 For a person is not a Jew who is one outwardly, nor is true circumcision something external and physical. 29 Rather, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly, and real circumcision is a matter of the heart�it is spiritual and not literal. Such a person receives praise not from others but from God.

(I was going to post the first few voices but I love what this whole chapter of Romans 2 says about our identities and how we compare ourselves and others. It is also one of these passages which really speaks to me about the universality of the faith and that even in this time, there was not (and will never be, as we are human!) one fully correct interpretation/church/religion.)

And isn't expectation just a form of worry? I don't let on to most people, but I worry too much.

22 He said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? ^F122 26 If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ^F123 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you�you of little faith! 29 And do not keep striving for what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 For it is the nations of the world that strive after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, strive for his ^F124 kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12. (and the key thematic verses for my first summer at camp in 2004.)

So, kind of like a mother who without fail always has the right answer, frustrating a child to no end, God, the Word, and the Church have an answer for every pull, every lack I feel. . . and as I reflect I find that true about each bend in my faith life. There has always been a faith lesson, as much as I may have thought it a far topic from religion.

I think unmarried people in their mid-20s as I am fall into 2 camps - either loving the freedom and openness of this time in life or hoping for a more stable time/to know that it will all be ok. Actually, maybe we vacillate between the two - I do. Many of my friends and peers consider ourselves to be at a precipice, or a crossroads, depending on the perspective. Do I go to graduate school? Do I work in a job that is easy to find or easy to love? Am I working toward a certain lifestyle? Are my friends my "family?" Do I just stay on the path that is comfortable? Do I get married? Do I settle down? Is being geographically close to my home/family important?

It is so easy to stay on the comfortable path. (and to judge others' paths, so I won't go there)

My comfortable path as of graduation from college and entrance to the real world would have been:
Teaching for one year in VA
Getting married the summer of '06
Teaching for one year in MA
Going to seminary fall of '07
Looking for a call after seminary compatible with my would-have-been-husband's career
Starting a family after a few years of being married

Right now I am:
Teaching in VA
Going to seminary (with hopeful candidacy committee approval) Fall '08
Seeking ministry opportunities which bring me where Christ wants me, not where I feel comfortable
Not settle down to suburban expectations and routine but do new things for Christ daily

I have a boyfriend, and it is hard. He lives 2.5/3 hours away and will for the next year at least. We have talked (and prayed) about being together in the future, but that takes expectations. Ugh. Love makes you crazy and for me, makes me jump to those hopeful expectations! He is so supportive of my call and strong enough in his own faith but in a different enough way to constantly push me to serve, and not just because it's comfortable or makes me feel better or righteous by doing so.

God is teaching me a mammoth of a lesson though, about next year.
Come hell or high water (or Christ's return, haha), I will be in seminary. Where? I don't know.
Where will I live? What kind of people will I surround myself with?
I may have a supportive partner at my side or be single again.
Do I want to get married? Pushing it is expecting and assuming and not fair.
I may seek a CPE experience (and for that matter internship and/or year abroad) at home (VA) or afar . . .
Expectations dashed. None to cling to. But God's love is bigger than my worries, which are frivolous anyway. Big picture - I am blessed beyond belief, sure of my call, comfortable and able to help others. Through forcing me to, little by little, leave my expectations behind, Christ continually molds me to be more his and less the world's.

God is Good!

Amen and amen for the lessons that I learn through faith, as frustrating and occasionally painful they may be!

Live Love
Love Love
Share Love
Be Love
All these things do today
All these things along your way

Live Christ
Love Christ
Share Christ
Be Christ
All these things do today
All these things along your way

Live Hope
Love Hope
Share Hope
Be Hope
All these things do today
All these things along your way

So?
Ask in faith but don't expect
trust and love but don't begrudge
Hope but don't expect

Oh wait - the word says it best - Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Romans 5:1-5:
Therefore, since we are justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have obtained access to this grace in which we stand; and we boast in our hope of sharing the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

This is how it works

2007-07-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

Last night at bible study we were talking about Luke 7, as we continue our ongoing reading of Luke. We were especially discussing this part:

1 After Jesus had finished all his sayings in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2 A centurion there had a slave whom he valued highly, and who was ill and close to death. 3 When he heard about Jesus, he sent some Jewish elders to him, asking him to come and heal his slave. 4 When they came to Jesus, they appealed to him earnestly, saying, "He is worthy of having you do this for him, 5 for he loves our people, and it is he who built our synagogue for us." 6 And Jesus went with them, but when he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to say to him, "Lord, do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; 7 therefore I did not presume to come to you. But only speak the word, and let my servant be healed. 8 For I also am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to one, "Go,' and he goes, and to another, "Come,' and he comes, and to my slave, "Do this,' and the slave does it." 9 When Jesus heard this he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd that followed him, he said, "I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith." 10 When those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the slave in good health.

We were talking about authority, and faith, and how the Jewish elders in the story ask for the healing of the slave on behalf of the centurion because he is a good and worthy man. Yet the centurion knows and understand that just as he has earthly authority, Jesus Christ's authority is supreme and humbling, and that he only has to say the word, and his slave will be healed. And he does. To me the striking thing is, as with a couple other miracle stories, the faithful look toward Christ on behalf of another, and God's mercy and the faith of the one asking make it possible - nothing else is questioned or matters here - not the faith of the sick person or any sort of deal for healing . . .
Also, the centurion's faith is so simple. He just believes - we are not told but can assume from the cultural signposts that the centurion is pagan and not Jewish - yet Christ proclaims his very simple faith as the greatest he has found - even in all of Israel! Faith can be this simple, and as modern Christians we often forget that - and yet maybe that is the most powerful faith - one without laws and too many human constructs to its faith system, but also without any doubt or restrictions on the power of God.
What freedom to think that faith is this simple. But it is also a very important part of my faith statement that faith is not something we can do on our own - like in the OT Deuteronomy reading from this past Sunday, the Word is in us, from when we are born, and it is a gift when our faith is stirred up in us by the Holy Spirit. As Luther says:

I believe that I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ, my Lord, or come to Him; but the Holy Ghost has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with His gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith; even as He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian Church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith; in which Christian Church He forgives daily and richly all sins to me and all believers, and at the last day will raise up me and all the dead, and will give to me and to all believers in Christ everlasting life. This is most certainly true.

(By the way, my banner when I turn on my phone is "called, enlightened, sanctified!" It makes me happy every time I see it.)

Then on the way home I was listening to my new Regina Spektor CD and these lyrics were on that reminded me that maybe it is all that simple:

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

Peace <><

Kairos, call, reflections, etc.

2007-07-15T13:54:00.000-05:00

I need to do a better job with leaving behind the politics of an organization or group (even church or faith-based ones) and gossip and do a better job at seeing Christ in situations.
At right is my small group, 14, from Kairos '07. Up until this point, I had always felt like God had given me really challenging kids in a lot of different situations, who were in times of crisis and needed to talk to someone or come to some climactic moment. I learned a big lesson at this Kairos because I know it won't always be this way, and that's ok. That doesn't lessen the experience or mean that I've served less. I meet people with my faith, where they are, and try to build on that.
Often these synod youth events have small group experiences in which kids have these deep, deep, secret-divulging conversations, and very emotional things which can result in hard-to answer/find God with such hard life circumstances. But that is not what happened in this group, or what they needed. It was a close, curious group, but had basically had been well-churched, but had a few basic faith/Lutheranism questions that needed to be answered, so sometimes it felt more like confirmation class (as some of the questions were really basic). I think God pairs these small groups and their leaders, and that He does a good job (of course). I am much more well-read, better versed in scripture to support the beliefs I have, and so I felt like God did at least a little bit of work through the Spirit through me. Kids constantly amaze me though, with their insight, love, assumptions, and troubles.
An update on my earlier post - I have been and had others praying for my dear student who is sick. She went to M.D. Anderson in Houston for treatment and they have decided surgery is an option. She will have (among other tissues in the area) her vocal chords removed, so she will permanently have a hole in her throat and have to learn a new way to talk. She is home now visiting before her surgery. She teaches me so much about hope and love as she sees life so optimistically, now more than ever, and is excited to learn her new way to talk and get back to school after maybe three more months in Texas. I cannot wait to have her back because (as I pray), I cannot imagine her hope or confidence in herself flogging, and so she will be such a shining example to other students. Her peer friends have also learned a lot of lessons from her also, I know.
I had a dream last night about my call and candidacy. I won't go into detail here, nor do I really put a lot of stock in dreams. However, I do have very, very lifelike vivid dreams which can shake me up sometimes. This one reinforced for me how excited I am about following God's call for me and getting to seminary and through candidacy, etc. Vocations conference is coming up in August and I am pretty excited about it, though admittedly also a little anxious as well.
I self-criticize perhaps too much about the execution of my call and getting to seminary - but I know, that in my heart I love God and am really excited about my call, and it is only between myself and Christ. I have grown so much in these (what will be three) years of teaching, and I love my work in teaching as my call and looking at the deep relationships I've formed with students. I needed this time off desperately before seminary, to feel like a true adult, be independent, and be in a new congregation and make my own community and live out my faith completely on my own, as an adult, as a colleague to others, not a junior, as an adult. I am a very different person than when I graduated college two years ago. My broken engagement was the right thing to happen but took some healing time and re-focusing on my faith walk that has been invaluable to who I say that I am now, and more importantly, whose I say I am. There has been some pain and lonliness in these years, but I have grown infinitely from it and having the world wide open to me, not structured, but seeing just where God and my passions lead. And of course, as Christ calls, I am made to follow.

I am blessed

2007-06-01T15:19:00.000-05:00

to have never known anyone closely who has been very ill or passed away young. But inevitably, I suppose, it happens.
My favorite student, hands down, has been diagnosed with a very rare type of cancer. Her tumor is in her trachea, is large, and is inoperable. Chemotherapy/radiation have very little affect on this rare cancer, not to mention that it is unheard of that a 16 year old be diagnosed as such. She is at home and resting as comfortably as she can with her pain medications and a traech tube in due to the tumor continuing to block more and more of her airway. She emailed me today that she had a biopsy of a nodule they found on her lung, so it most likely has metastasized there as well.

This is very hard for me, obviously. This girl I adore like a daughter and have taught her for two years - when she was at school she'd check in and come chat with me at least a couple times per day, and is an amazing role model and friend to all others she came into contact with. She tells all her other friends and any boys that like her that she won't be around them or be close friends if they drink, smoke, or do any drugs - and she swears to all of them that she never will. She is a leader for my program and a great ambassador for it - she wants to teach my subject when she grows up.

Even before she got sick, I had known that she wasn't a churchgoer, and didn't identify herself as having a faith or belief set, and was every week or day trying to think of ways to invite her or somehow get her thinking about a faith life. To me, she is one of the most "Christian" people I know, with an intuitive sense of doing for others and being unfailingly hopeful. Now, all those around her have to be hopeful. I pray here for her own sense of hope, that it may remain strong. I feel a very strong personal grief about the situation, but I have to remember that it isn't about me. not at all. I have to remind myself of the enormity of God's grace, something I take for granted a little too regularly, probably.
I think we all do. The heart-wrenching nature of this is struck with a strong dichotomy of the frustration I feel teaching right now working toward exam week and pulling teeth to get students who have passed all of their core subject tests and all their other teachers are lowering their standards and have simply stopped teaching.
It has been a hard month for me. My brother witnessed a suicide. Another friend was diagnosed and underwent serious surgery for cancer (not her first time, either). My faith changes me though, and makes me approach things in a different way. And in ways I don't always expect. At lunch I was talking to a friend/colleague about my student's condition, and how I am sad, and like almost all others in that secular school environment I've talked to, for her the topic immediately drifted to the "why." I have mulled over these days how surprised I am that I haven't thought of that, though I have been devastated.
After all,

5 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, ^F54 or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? ^F55 28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you�you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not worry, saying, "What will we eat?' or "What will we drink?' or "What will we wear?' 32 For it is the Gentiles who strive for all these things; and indeed your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But strive first for the kingdom of God ^F56 and his ^F57 righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Keep this girl in your prayers, if you could. I will, and work on worrying less.

On a lighter note, I enjoyed this comic.

I will be a Hokie if you will be an Iraqi

2007-04-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

I am going to set aside some major caveats as to this blog entry. . .
First of all, I think the tragic events of 4/16 at VT are horrible. The outpouring of support is encouraging to all those of the community and for the state/world community as a whole. I, just like everyone else, have prayed fervently for everyone affected by this tragedy. There are not words for the shock and deep sadness of all affected.

Unfortunately (or not?) I feel drastically less affected than those around me and, seemingly, in the world as a whole. It is not that I do not mourn for the families and friends of the dead. Lately though, my faith has changed my idea of death and I see little point in mourning the dead themselves - as they are simply dead until Christ comes again to raise us into eternal life, in his grace. I realize that the coverage of this VT news is related to its shock value resonating from its locus on a college campus, which we assume to be a safe, nurturing environment.
Yet there are some things that bother me about all this . . . and they have been nagging!

First of all, there are a wide amount of media coverage of different types which refer to "32 dead" or "32 victims" or praying for the families of the "32" . . . There were 33 people killed. One was a suicide, but the nature of his sin does not mean that we should pray any less fervently for his friends and family. It is his family that I have been praying most for. Can you imagine the sharp complexity of their grief on every level? And for Cho to be left out from the death tolls hurts me.

Second, this "today we are all hokies" thing going around the online communities as well as email, cartoons, etc. Really? are we all Hokies? Yes we all can sympathize with the loss, and many people were touched in some way by this tragedy, but isn't this just bandwagoning in a sense? I realize that people are trying to show support, but I think it is a rather inane, unrelated way to show it. I'm not a Hokie, I'm not a part of the community. I'm a member of the Tribe (feathers and all!), and I don't think changing my identity will make me more sympathetic or help those affected in any way. That said, I think it is a good ethical practice to put yourself in someone else's shoes, especially if they are less fortunate. So . . . I will be a Hokie if you will be an Iraqi . . . or is that too uncomfortable?

Bombings in a food market in the Sadriya district of Baghdad were one of the bloodiest attacks in the four-year period of the war. The bombing occurred in a food market - people were doing their midday shopping - civilians - mothers and children, men on their lunch or afternoon breaks, teenagers picking up a snack or walking on the street. We can relate to this as well, shopping . . . of course this market had been bombed in February as well, killing 140, and was almost rebuilt. On this day, not 48 hours after the news was just starting to come out about VT, 200 died and countless (literally, as accurate casualty counts are not taken in Iraq these days) others wounded. The BBC article I linked to in this blog says:

A witness said the area had been turned into "a swimming pool of blood".
The attacks came as PM Nouri Maliki said Iraqi forces would take control of security across Iraq by the year's end.
"This monstrous attack today did not distinguish between the old and young, between men and women," he said.
"It targeted the population in a way that reminds us of the massacres and genocide committed by the former dictatorship."

Those people were living out their every day lives, and they were civilians. I feel like people in our country forget about the civilian death toll in Iraq. This is not about whether or not I believe America should be embroiled in the conflict over there. This is about tragedy, and media coverage, and what wins the hearts and support of the American public. I cannot imagine the daily suffering of an Iraqi citizen in the midst of dangerous areas. To feel like living where you do is part of your identity, family, and total life, and yet be constantly fearful, or to not have the luxury of taking for granted all that we do.

Below is a chart, also from the BBC, about the civilian death toll in Iraq. Although the asterisk makes it seem as only the bottom figure is of civilian deaths, through reading the article it explains that all three figures are of civilian deaths, but it is hard to tell who is civilians all the time. Of course, I heard a report on NPR the other day about how the Iraqi health ministry only reports about 70% at best of deaths that come through the morgues, and that percentage is only of those persons who have already been identifed. These totals soar above those hurt on 9/11, not to mention those hurt at VT, whose names I have now heard, whose pictures I have seen . . . I don't know that I've ever seen a similar profile done of an Iraqi killed in a tragic, civilian death. Part of this of course is because this is close to home for us Virginians, however I thought this BBC article was interesting regarding the lack of coverage "Iraq's 'darkest day'" received from European newspapers.

Have we become desensitized? Do we not care? Do we only get awoken when it hits close to home? Do others see Iraqis as enemy, hence not even Iraqi civilians are worthy of news coverage?

I do not mean to offend anyone or deny sorrow over Virginia Tech's recent tragedies. I have been praying with everyone else for these people. I would just like everyone to pray a little more for the world.

the Suburbs and faith life. . .

2006-11-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

Today I was talking with a friend and the topic of suburbia came up. I responded vehemently that I hate suburbia.
I do.
but unfortunately as I say and mean, there is hypocrisy imbued within.
So it made me really think - what do I dislike about suburbia??

the degredation and denial of the natural God-given environment. . .
the culture of conformity in the suburbs that becomes our identity to a large extent
the consumerism associated heavily with the suburbs.
the suburbs increase our demand for instant gratification and ease at any cost

Where I live, I have a 10 minute drive to work. I live in an apartment in the suburbs. Had I been more resourceful and less lazy, I would've liked to live a little further out into the country. But as a young working person not knowing a lot about the area you work in and also having a limited budget, it is hard.

I have never lived in a neighborhood, and I never have an interest to. I think my parents raised me with a respect for the environment, for being dirty, playing in the strawberry plants, picking corn, imagining forts made of the hollow-insided-holly trees . . . Walking sidewalks and manicured lawns lined up in rows was never a part of my early perception. I'm a person who with most things thinks the natural way that God set it is the best. The suburbs alter landscapes, ruin ecosystems, etc.
In my 10 minute drive to work, I drive about 3 miles. In this three miles of suburban sprawl there are FIVE SUBWAYS!!!!!! FIVE!!! This is a good example of the ridiculous consumerism of American suburbia. It makes me sick. it makes me sicker to use take advantage of the ease of these businesses because of my own laziness.
Between 4-5 each afternoon I like to watch GlobeTrekker, which I originally got hooked on on PBS. Because I love PBS. Today they were travelling to Georgia and Armenia, and it was really interesting. Georgia is one of the poorest countries in the European & Asian worlds . . . yet the people are proud of the hospitality that they can give and honest, strong people who live well with the natural world around them. It made me really want to look up whether there are Lutheran World Missions in that part of the world. Also, Georgia is a Christian country in a region surrounded by Islam. So that is something that I'm thinking about. Maybe a middler year abroad?? Maybe? If I'm still single, maybe a first call or missions call somewhere like that?

I am too tired to think or look up some bible verses or read this that relate to this consumption, but it all relates back to us being good stewards. Well, I guess this relates, a passage that I know well:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? ^F122 26 If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ^F123 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you�you of little faith! 29 And do not keep striving for what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 For it is the nations of the world that strive after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, strive for his ^F124 kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions, and give alms. Make purses for yourselves that do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

God's greatest gift through grace (purposefully alliterative) is the kingdom, the creation. . . we are so lucky. Being a good steward is really important to me. Community is important, and I don't think we should be hermits that live out in the woods, but the conformity of communal culture in suburbia is not very attractive for me.

I can't think of anything too witty to end this so. . . in conclusion . . . the word of the day is . . . LISSOM . . . discuss.

call. it's a love thing

2006-10-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

I just feel really blessed in my life right now. And I'm not trying to brag or be self-indulgent, but just give credit where it's due, to God, for the great ways in which he comes into my life and helps me to see my call and work for Him. . .
Now, I just got back from visiting Southern. I've been told that it wouldn't necessarily be for me, and I do feel that in the Synod there's an undeniable (and not necessarily untrue or negative) push toward it as most of the pastors in the synod went there. However, I do realize I need to make my own decisions and I'm doing my best to make this prayerful and just see where the Spirit leads and where I am happy. So with it being my first visit and all I didn't know what to expect.
But, I really did like it!!
They were right, the community is good, but I really need to visit others now to see if that's the community for me.
I was very impressed with the classes there and I am so excited about learning!!! Seminary curricula is so interesting to me.
I sat in on the following classes:
Intro to Theology - Yeago (he is brilliant - and I was his daughter's camp counselor haha)
Intro to worship - Hawkins - hilarious, engaging professor, interesting discussion on communion and worship.
Hebrew - I can't wait to learn Hebrew!
Worship practicum - I was fascinated nerdily the whole time - talking about communion and "what to do if's" of distributing it, logistics, etc.
Church History - she was reviewing from the fall of Rome to Charlemagne - what could have been a very dry class was interesting because of her obvious passion for the subject and deep knowledge.
I got to talk to Dr. Largen, who I really like, partially for his similarity to Pr. Ballentine. And overall, I was really impressed with the faculty, which would be the selling point for my going there. It is small, as they are all, except Luther. Anyway, I do realize that a lot of this I need to make note of and kind of shelve for a while until I have visited others and have a point of reference. But until then I am excited about feeling like I am ready (at least as much as I can be) for my call.
Dr. Largen said two things about the discernment process in his talk this morning: that it "takes the time that it takes," which it definitely has for me, with some curves in the road that were unexpected, and that "when you know, you know." I know. I'm ready, excited, and very blessed.
I'm so happy that whatever happens, this visit made me more aware of seminary life and in love, in love with my call, my blessed life, and in love with my loving, faith-growing relationship with my Lord.
ahh, that was sappy. but it's true.

the best is yet to come . . .

2006-10-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how a new relationship, be it romantic, friendship, or professional, can change your outlook on life and God's "plan."

Schoolwork has continued to consume my time. I am stressed about club stuff starting because of the huge financial deadlines which loom very close - and being at a new school and things just starting to get up and running is putting me in a vise between school and state/nat'l club obligations. At the same time that my energy is drained by school, I manage to put off grading a fair amount. But my lessons have gone really well and teaching is so much easier in the second year. I love having returning students and knowing more of the staff.

So . . . one thing that I tend to be overly critical of people with is not using their turn signals or just cutting in traffic in general... I realize that this is a petty thing and I get too easily frustrated by this. Also, I generally think that when you go out of your way to let someone into your lane or let them go ahead, that person should give a wave of thanks and acknowledgement. This is not a huge deal or something I get too worked up about, but in Hanover/Mechanicsville where I grew up, everyone waved at this kind of traffic maneuver! I like waving. . .
Anyway, the other day driving my 10 min commute home from work, two cars cut into my lane abruptly, with little space, with no turn signal and - no wave. I became frustrated when this happened the second time, and called out loud to myself, "no wave?!" But then it struck me, a rather simplistic, juvenile metaphor within this daily occurence: God gives us all that we have, all that we are, all that we use, and often times we let these little frustrations work us up and cause us to sin - that sin cuts into God's plan and desire for our lives to be closer to him - and we sin day by day - and without even thinking for a second of acknowledging our God, whose plan for us we have cut in on - without even a "wave" to our God. So I was thinking as I sat there in traffic, this very small infraction against me and my driving safety, is so miniscule - how much more then, does God observe our actions and think - "What?! No wave?!" How much more is the sadness of God and Christ for each time we sin - and how deep and personal is that offense to our gifts, without even a "wave." This just reminded me how we cannot take our own sin lightly - but nor do we have any space to judge others who commit infractions of sin against us - "as we forgive those who trespass against us." I've thought of this each time I've been driving over the last week.

Pastor Bohannon preached a great sermon this morning about marriage - this of course was timely as I'm beginning a new relationship and still discerning and praying over what God's plan/will for me is in relation to marriage (and yes, I do realize this is nothing that I'll finish discerning or "figure out" this week or even this year). I'd really like to read Pastor Ballentine's thoughts on the readings, but he hasn't posted his sermon yet . . .

Isaiah 50:4-11

2006-10-01T13:52:00.000-05:00

There is little point to this particular entry, but . . .

The Lord God has given me the tongue of a teacher, ^F153 that I may know how to sustain the weary with a word. Morning by morning he wakens - wakens my ear to listen as those who are taught. 5 The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious, I did not turn backward. 6 I gave my back to those who struck me, and my cheeks to those who pulled out the beard; I did not hide my face from insult and spitting. 7 The Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame; 8 he who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who are my adversaries? Let them confront me. 9 It is the Lord God who helps me; who will declare me guilty? All of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up.

10 Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the voice of his servant, who walks in darkness and has no light, yet trusts in the name of the Lord and relies upon his God? 11 But all of you are kindlers of fire, lighters of firebrands. ^F154 Walk in the flame of your fire, and among the brands that you have kindled! This is what you shall have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.

I am going to work on memorizing these verses . . .

today I was ass't minister @ church and we had a baptism!!! I love baptisms and it was fun to be able to stand up there and see it up close. It is such a happy event, the newest of the family of God, and yet a very serious day, a promise made, like a wedding...

The above passage from Isaiah was the first lesson for today, and it really spoke to me. I was given blessings for ministry, and I'm going to follow those through to the best of my ability.

Pastor's sermon was especially good - it was clear cut and visceral reaction to the gospel which was relatable. (Mark 9:41-50) 41 For truly I tell you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you bear the name of Christ will by no means lose the reward. 42 "If any of you put a stumbling block before one of these little ones who believe in me, ^F80 it would be better for you if a great millstone were hung around your neck and you were thrown into the sea. 43 If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than to have two hands and to go to hell, ^F81 to the unquenchable fire. ^F82 44 ^F142 45 And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life lame than to have two feet and to be thrown into hell. ^F83 , ^F84 46 ^F12 47 And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out; it is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into hell, ^F85 48 where their worm never dies, and the fire is never quenched. 49 "For everyone will be salted with fire. ^F86 50 Salt is good; but if salt has lost its saltiness, how can you season it? ^F87 Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another."

I feel like lately I've been making myself stumble, not through any one way, but just not bearing the name of Christ as I'd like to... sometimes it is hard living in a secular world, but that 's such a cop-out. Seeing that baptism today, having a great Sunday school class, and letting myself slow down and feel the love around me is refreshing to my faith.

Peace be to you.
Amen.

Safety in Numbers

2006-10-01T07:21:00.000-05:00

Safety in Numbers . . .
We feel more safe when the multitude around us affirm and approve our work, our daily existence. In many ways I feel more "safe" in staying at school next year, but this is a contrived safety. I have to say, I am having a great year teaching. It's not that I don't have any frustrating students or classes, it's just great to be in a brand new school, have a great rapport with students who I have again, and be on a largely positive staff. Part of me would really like to stay and especially see certain kids through till graduation. But it does not feel like my call. I do not feel fully satisfied in it. I want to share my faith with these kids, I want to tell them why I treat them as I do . . . I want to invite them to CTK. . .
So I should be planning my sunday school lesson right now, but it's mostly done.

Safety in Numbers. . .
Where do I feel most safe? In this statement:
For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.

I do believe in what I teach, but not enough to make it my life, my call. I love doing it . . . But I do believe through prayer and people and events God has put in my life that I am called to ministry. What is safety? This is the verse that comes to mind - I used to use it prayerfully the summers that I worked @ CFLC.
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Numbers 6:24 - The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you, the Lord lift his countenance upon you, and give you peace. the Aaronic blessing...

safety in numbers. And yet safety is not what we seek in following the Christian lifestyle, although we have the assurance of resurrection with Christ... I seek to lose my "life" - to be ultimately unsafe - and follow my call . . . in slowly coming to terms with the seriousness of the decision, of the allowing my heart to follow this call, it takes a little getting used to, the idea of handing over the "control" we think we have over our lives, which we don't even have to begin with... creation is amazing - the God-given gift of diversity, complexity, and love!

Happy Sunday!

And step by step, you'll lead me

2006-09-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

And another step here. . . tonight I (started) moved across the hall into a 2-bedroom apartment - Jenfer, my best friend, moves in with me completely tomorrow. It's exciting, I'm excited to have someone to talk to. There are some things I will miss a little bit about being alone in the apartment. A lot of things in life feel temporary to me at the moment. . . teaching, living in VA, etc. . . Yet in other ways there are a lot of things I want to hold on to - my new friends in the area, my parents' relatively good health (I'm a little worried about my dad's knee), my brother not being in the military.

Teaching has been going really well. Week one, down! My classes are mostly really good, except for my first year class which is just so big I don't have a good feel/read on them yet.

Thanks to a great gift, this might be my new favorite song: Which Way your heart will go - Mason Jennings. If you've never checked out Mason's music, you should.

have a great day.

God is . . . surprising

2006-09-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

God surprises us in the most amazing ways.

I have gotten bad about blogging lately and it's a little late tonight . . . but just a quick update.

I am excited and a little anxious about the schoolyear (just anxious because I still have a lot to do before Tues. morning!) The staff is overall so positive and great. I really hope the kids appreciate being in a new school and how hard the staff has worked.

Last night was the first football game. Great turnout. I saw many students who were surprising to me in many ways. . . but one in particular. My favorite student from last year, she is the sweetest, most upbeat kid. So we were exchanging greetings and I asked her how her summer was, and she replied that it had been bad. I of course asked why, and she told me how her best friend had committed suicide shortly after the schoolyear ended and right before she went to visit him. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. How could this have happened to this sweet girl. She was obviously changed by it, matured unfortunately by life's hardship in her path. I wanted to hug her (more) and take her somewhere and talk about it, but that was not the place. Point being, I feel so blessed in knowing that I am an important adult in her life (as evidenced by later parts of that and other conversations), and that she can trust me and hopefully I can nurture her through my love for her through Christ and help her this year. I know that Christ will give me my cross to bear, my constant new duties, wherever I am, and as easy as my job may be in some ways sometimes.

I am also so blessed to have made close new friends at my new school!! I adore them :) and we have been hanging out almost every night this week. So fun, I love those ladies and it's nice to have close new relationships with some people my age as well as my older co-workers who I consider my friends but it's not like we'd go have a beer together. Jenfer moves in next week - aaaaaaahhhhhhhh I am so excited - it almost makes the first week of school seem like a subtext to these larger things in my life. (Maybe God is building me up for the hard work he will give me to do in my job in the year ahead. . . we'll see)

I am thinking very seriously about traveling in Europe next summer. I just read up online last night about spending some time in Taize - I would love that - I should maybe talk to some pastor about that? Additionally I think I would love to go to Italy - a kind of goodbye to t hat strong passion in one sense. I will not be taking students. I don't know whom I will go with - I wish it were safer and not so lonely to travel alone.

Life is Good.

my bucket's pretty full right now . . .

2006-08-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

so, my bucket is full.. . . we had to read this book for school in-service (www.bucketbook.com) . I must admit, in all my cynicism, that the book is pretty darn dumb. I mean, I could come up with a simple analogy about life and write a "book" about it (which was probably only like 50 pages if it was in a normal size adult font and w/o graphics that take up the entire page). . . I really tried to hold in the sarcasm but couldn't toward the end. . .

until I realized that a teacher I had recently met sitting next to me was infectious in her carefree laughing and positivity. . . and then I feel so foolish like God is kicking my butt and reminding me to be humble, to let go. . .

I still do and always will believe in the truth of healthy cynicism. Sorry. can't convince me otherwise.

So, because I am narcissistic and like taking personality tests, the one part of the bucket book I really liked was taking the cliftonstrengthsfinder quiz online. It ranks your top five of 34 traits that they (Gallup) studied. Mine were, in order (Input (likes gathering information and strives on . . . input), context (looks to the past/background for solutions hahaha and you know what I teach . . .), strategic (soooo me), intellect (yeah), includer (yeah, I am that kid, and I look to include all :) . . . So overall I thought it described me pretty well.

So one of my coworkers planned a suprise b-day party for me today at work... amazing... I don't know if I can/am awake enough to describe how that felt/was right now, but I love them all and I really appreciate them and their love - and they made it really special and memorable... not to mention that I had a great fake birthday last spring!

So I am 23. here's to a good year!

and that's the way I like it

2006-08-18T18:26:00.000-05:00

I really need to get on the ball and visit some seminaries . . . Or at least plan out when I am going to be "sick" from work and go visit. I feel bad lying about that but I really am left no choice as we only have 2 personal days and are really limited on how we can use them, and have to be approved for them...
Surprisingly enough, vocations conference turned me back on to the idea of either Southern or Gettysburg. I was surprised. So now, I think I might try to narrow it down to three and just apply to those. I really need to go visit to make sure which three, I know. It is hard because I don't want $ to influence my decision, but I would like much more to go somewhere which may offer me a scholarship. I am pretty serious about really wanting a full scholarship - that would be amazing - so I am going to be really committed to working toward that and finding other monies.

In my excitement about Cosby, I thought that I would actually start doing some school stuff. But with backpacking and trying to tie up loose ends before the summer is over, it doesn't look like it's happening.

I am really nerdily excited about everything about seminary - learning, field experiences, etc.
I pray that my parents will come to a better understanding of the "why" of my call . . . I know the logistics and all the steps are hard for them to understand. . .

My dad and I just got back from hiking Cold Mountain in Amherst County, VA. (Some maps refer to it as Cole Mtn) It was amazing. It was the best hike I have ever taken in VA definitely, and as far as my memory goes back, my favorite hike ever - and that includes a great # of hikes in the rocky mtns. The campsite we stayed in was, as the directions correctly stated "one of the most beautiful campsites in the Blue Ridge." AMAZING! The saddle and summit of Cold Mountain had 360 views, which from the surrounding topography and gorgeous views, made you feel like you were in the highlands of Switzerland. We also did Mount Pleasant first actually, in a figure-8 double loop with a one-night backpacking stay, which all in all turned out to be at least 13.something miles when all told. But worth it. I will have to post some pics here when I get them from my dad. It was freezing at night though, and I am pretty beat up from the hike.
and that's the way I like it. :)

This is one of my favorite songs for worship, father I adore you

My life flows on in endless song. . .

2006-08-15T19:49:00.000-05:00

And it all becomes more real . . .

It is exciting, moving toward what I finally feel is my true vocation, to be taking those steps.
I am really excited and just feel blessed by the gifts for ministry I am given and blessed for the challenges, though I know some will seem daunting, that I will be presented with in the coming years.

I am also blessed with the ministry of teaching I am able to do in the next year. Today I saw Cosby (the brand new high school I'll be teaching at) for the first time. And my beautiful, beautiful classroom. I mean, a classroom is a classroom, I know, but when you are used to teaching @ two schools and in a miserably deteriorated trailer, it's so exciting. It's nice to be on a staff which as to now has this atmosphere of joy to be at this new school. I realized today how much I will be also happy to see my students! Especially my favorites :) and I know teachers aren't supposed to have favorites, but whatever, we all do . . . Though, I do love all my students for their complexity.

This month so far has been like one deep breath, preparing and looking ahead. Everything has materialized (literally, in the case of Cosby), and is becoming more real. Vocations conference was amazing, and I met and reconnected with some amazing people. It had slipped to the back of my mind how God can put people in your lives in such a grace-powered way. I can't write all about vocations here now, I am tired. But I do need to make a longer post about it at some point. The committee all seemed very nice, and I felt very happy to speak with them. I need to get on sending my check and getting in touch with my contact for my interview and psychologicals. One particular experience at vocations reminded me so much of God's love and that I am not alone in my call, in my feelings, in my perspective.

I realized that like, with everything, this year of teaching will not be dull, even though I know my curricula and most of my students already. Not that I ever thought it would be dull, maybe just lackluster and so much more routine than that over-talked-about "first year" of teaching. I guess that's how people get hooked. . .
I won't.
Not that I don't love teaching.
I am called to ministry in the church...
it's a me and God thing.

So I guess I do need to tell my co-workers pretty soon. . . sigh. . . that will be a hard day. And yet it will make it all the more real, which will be yet another forward step. (Step by step you'll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days)

My life flows on in endless song,
 above earth's lamentation.
 I hear the clear, though faroff hymn
 that hails a new creation.
 No storm can shake my inmost calm
 while to that Rock I'm clinging.
 Since love is Lord of heaven and earth,
 how can I keep from singing?

And that's the way I like it
that's the way I like it

:)

2006-08-07T20:39:00.000-05:00

this is too funny not to post

going to vocations conference tomorrow. way excited. have no idea what it will be like. interested to learn more though. and to see danny and kate and everyone. and meet new people. . . though I would like to room with kate :).

eagle eyrie!

isn't it amazing how God blesses us just when we aren't expecting it?

have a wonderful week!! :)

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living . . .

2006-08-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting you heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon, I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or if you have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see the beauty even when it is not pretty everyday and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver moon, “YES!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are or how you came to be here, I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied, I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

- The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

VBS. . . and settling into my call

2006-08-03T18:19:00.000-05:00

VBS was fun. I enjoyed working with some younger kids than I usually do and getting to know more people in the church. I do really like CTK and am slowly feeling more and more at home there. I am looking forward to assisting ministering there sunday, going with the youth to the Kairos reunion aug 20-21, and teaching Sunday School this fall.

Still have no clue about seminaries. . . lots of time to think and learn though.

Vocations conference is next tues - thurs. Don't know what that'll be like at all, but I will meet the candidacy committee, which will be good and informative as another step in this process.

My goal for before vocations is to re-read The Naked Soul. A lot of things racing through my mind . . .

Got some good news from a student today, reminded me that I need to check on their AP scores. I am really apprehensive to, though. Scared.

I think it is a blessing that I am realizing the gravity of my call to ministry these days. And I do definitely acknowledge that it is scary. I feel more and more each day that I realize that as I continually pray to "give my life to Christ" and my call it means that some of the scariest parts are not things I'll have to do, which will certainly be challenging enough. Instead it is not what I am called to do, but who I am called to be, and what I am called to leave behind, for the Love of my God. I admit selfishly that I am grieving these things, but it is in vain, grieving sin and possibilities of future joy (which I may still be able to achieve), which I know I need to turn over all to God. I am secure in my call, that's not the question, it's just that mentally I am taking a new step into the reality of my call. Overall I am extremely joyous in my call, I think grieving even slightly the things I will leave behind is normal, though undoubtably sinful (sin boldly, but believe in Christ even more boldly- I do). I feel that I go in with very few pretenses or hopes that it will be easy or that I will in any way be in control of where my call will take me and the challenges it will bring.

Got sidetracked from finishing Mere Christianity last week - it was taking a much more conservative turn, which I didn't anticipate. I need to finish that as well.

1 Cor 1:
17 For Christ did not send me to baptize but to proclaim the gospel, and not with eloquent wisdom, so that the cross of Christ might not be emptied of its power. 18 For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart." 20 Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, God decided, through the foolishness of our proclamation, to save those who believe. 22 For Jews demand signs and Greeks desire wisdom, 23 but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those who are the called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For God's foolishness is wiser than human wisdom, and God's weakness is stronger than human strength. 26 Consider your own call, brothers and sisters: ^F7 not many of you were wise by human standards, ^F8 not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are, 29 so that no one ^F9 might boast in the presence of God. 30 He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31 in order that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in ^F10 the Lord."

Luke 18:
18 A certain ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" 19 Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. 20 You know the commandments: "You shall not commit adultery; You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not bear false witness; Honor your father and mother.' " 21 He replied, "I have kept all these since my youth." 22 When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "There is still one thing lacking. Sell all that you own and distribute the money ^F163 to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." 23 But when he heard this, he became sad; for he was very rich. 24 Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! 25 Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." 26 Those who heard it said, "Then who can be saved?" 27 He replied, "What is impossible for mortals is possible for God." 28 Then Peter said, "Look, we have left our homes and followed you." 29 And he said to them, "Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, 30 who will not get back very much more in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.

Luke 9:
23 Then he said to them all, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it. 25 What does it profit them if they gain the whole world, but lose or forfeit themselves? 26 Those who are ashamed of me and of my words, of them the Son of Man will be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels

and, non-biblical:
"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing. . . I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man. Only that moon. " - Practical Magic

Proverbs 31:30

2006-07-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

Prov. 31:30 - Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is a thing to be praised.

Women should take pride in this verse and "approach the throne of grace with boldness" and leave behind . . . Reminds me of the time at CFLC when I had a camper I suspected of an eating disorder and generally a superficial, low self-esteem bunch, and got all the girl campers on camp together and held a bible study about being a woman (yeah, it sounds cheesy), and self esteem.

I like this verse. A song which has struck a similar chord with me:
India.Arie, I am not my hair (lyrics:)
Is that India? What happened to her hair?

Little girl with the press and curls
Age 8 I got a jerry curl
13 and I got a relaxer
I was the source of so much laughter
15 when it all broke off
18 when I went all natural
February 2002
I went on and did what I had to do

Cuz it was time to change my life
To become the woman that I am inside
97 dread locks all grown
I looked in the mirror for the first time and saw that (hey)
I am not my hair I am not this skin I am not your expectations (no) I am not my hair I am not this skin I am the soul that lives within
Good hair means curls and waves.
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off like an African beauty
Got in on “loc” like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight like Oprah Winfrey
It’s not what’s on your head, it’s what’s underneath (say hey)

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations (no)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity Expressing my creativity
Breast cancer and chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life
On national television her diamond eyes are sparkling
Baldheaded like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like hey

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations (no)
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

If I wanna shave it close or I wanna rock locs
That don’t take a bit away from this soul that I got

If I wanna wear it braided all down my back
I don’t see nothing wrong with that

______________________________________

The reviews of the movie Lady in the Water were all bad. I looked hard before I saw the movie to find a good review. I really like M. Night Shamalan's movies, especially that as in Signs and The Village he makes a statement about the human condition.
This was a great movie!! Go see it. The levels of sophistication in the plot and the amount of suspense balanced with great humor was unbelievable!! Plus, I'm a sucker for any movie which plays with the question of the human condition, its future, and especially Christian symbolism. M. Night also does well at ambiguously raising the question of faith. Not faith in anything in particular, but just belief. Amazing. great movie. Go.

Iraq

2006-07-21T17:41:00.000-05:00

This video is from a pilot and a compilation of his pictures and experiences in Iraq, found on youtube.com. He writes to accompany this video:
I took some of my pictures and mixed them with some more famous pictures taken over the course of the war.

I originally had this video with "happier" pictures, and more uplifting music. But there is so much sadness here. So much sacrifice. You can almost lose yourself in the storm. This video reflects the more somber and darker side. God Bless America.

___________________

There is a lot out there to learn and see about what is going on outside our little comfortable bubble.

Mere Christianity

2006-07-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

I know probably everyone has read this and may see my joy over this book as thus pedestrian, but whatever:

Mere Christianity is amazing. I read parts of it a few years ago but didn't really pay enough attention.

C.S. Lewis presents such a logical apologetic perspective of something I think we as Christians too often skip over entirely. Growing up Lutheran/Christian, I wasn't ever presented with a real apologetic for the basis of Christian belief. People go to churches seeking faith, comfort, truth, whatever, and they hear condemnation, denominational or congregational in-fighting, or obtuse or conceptual statements which may not flow with his/her visceral feeling of truth.

(some?) People need an apologetic of Christian faith before they can take that leap. For many of us who grow up "churched," the apology/justification of faith follows through interpersonal relationships, crisis, prayer, or seeing grace through situations and others. But for those who do not grow up in the church, especially through talking to many of my friends, they want the "why" and the "how" of faith. And yes, as I talked about in an earlier blog, many Christians shun this search for a pragmatic apology of faith as untrue because of the visceral feeling of faith to them would be somehow lessened by a logical, pragmatic, secularly based justification for faith. C.S. Lewis proves that it does not, and it is the most powerful reading I have read in quite a while.

I am also currently reading: (= good)(= this guy is crazy!! easy to tear down his argument) (= very good approach and read!)

Another excellent book is The Naked Soul. This is an amazing book that changed my mindset about interpersonal relationships.

So this is me . . . My Candidacy Essay

2006-07-19T10:14:00.001-05:00

So I am finally "done" with my candidacy essay, for real, after a few people have read it. I'm posting it here. Feel free to comment or add advice, but as with anything else on here, it's also more posted for me to have a central place for all my discernment related thoughts.
Yay I'm done w/this first step . . .

I am proud, excited, and exhilarated, to begin this journey with Christ and the faith community toward my call in ordained ministry that Christ has been pursuing me for. God has consistently put people in my life from a relatively young age to consider the call to ministry. Kairos was the first place where I was specifically encouraged to consider and pursue the ministry, by adult leaders and pastors alike. Although I may not remember their specific words now, their encouragement has always been a part of Christ’s work in the back of my mind. In college I worked on my degree in Latin and secondary education, but all the while my faith grew stronger and I felt a longing through prayer and activities to be working for the church full-time. I was encouraged and informed of the possibilities of a church vocation in Williamsburg largely by Pastor Ballentine, but also by several others who by the grace of God, were nurturing (and insistent) on my place in ministry. My adopted parents in Williamsburg, Jean and (retired Pastor) Al Kuhn gave me a loving environment in my new church home and discussed with me the idea of being fulfilled in one’s faith in the vocation that is right for him or her. My Sunday School co-teacher and colleagues constantly encouraged me to think of the ministry full-time, and gave me another avenue for joy in working with people in Christ’s church.

My time after college, teaching, has brought me to a new understanding of what a “call” from Christ to vocation truly is. I have enjoyed my time teaching, and I feel that I have been effective in both teaching Latin and loving my students in a Christian sense. Teaching and the time in growth, prayer, and discernment, has taught me that my call is not a matter of what I would “prefer,” to do, it is not an escape from the negative aspects of teaching, or even what I may be best at doing. Instead, my call is a true intervention of Christ in my life – and an appreciation that while teaching may be the Christian call of some, it is not my ultimate call. God has put people in my life and taught me through prayer and study that vocation in the church is the next step in my journey.

I feel strongly that Christ calls me toward a vocation as an ordained pastor in a congregation. He has gifted me with a variety of strengths which are well-suited for ministry. I am comfortable and passionate in public speaking, something which I have developed over the years. Recently my faith has made this a strength more specifically in being comfortable in talking about my faith publicly, praying with others, and leading a group in a Christian community. I believe I am also gifted as a Christian leader, someone who can bring the Spirit into any situation and still make people feel comfortable. I am a careful and sympathetic listener, and someone who at my relatively young age has a variety of experience working with people in difficult life situations. Another strength that I bring to the ministry is my constant introspection and learning which make me want to strive to improve my ministry to others, to learn more. I also consider it a strength that I value and come in with knowledge of the culture of the New Testament world, through coursework on early Christianity from a relatively unbiased Classical Studies perspective, and a working knowledge of ancient Greek. Overall, I would say that my most essential gift and strength to the ministry is the undying passion I have for getting Christ into the lives of others, and the lengths to which I will go for others.
My weaknesses and concerns regarding the ministry are slowly being strengthened as my faith and relationship with Christ grows closer. One weakness is that while I am biblically literate in a general sense, I strive to learn more and be able to more specifically learn and memorize key verses and references, a task which I am particularly working on this summer; I look forward in growing leaps and bounds in the coming year and also in my seminary studies. Another weakness I sometimes display is my perfectionist nature which can sometimes carry over into my competitiveness – although God seems to humble me right at the perfect times to remind me of my weakness and inability to do anything without Him. I am a little concerned as I have in the past had a slight trepidation of hospitals, but I am realizing now how much of an honor it is to be there with someone who is sick, pray with them and help them in their pain, and with that faith, my fear is subsiding. Furthermore, while I would not consider my youth (as I will be 24 upon entry to seminary) a weakness, as it brings energy and passion, I acknowledge it as way that I have a lot more to learn and live.

My family and upbringing shapes a large part of who I am. My parents raised my younger brother and me in a warm, nurturing way. My mother stayed home with my brother and me - my family and childhood valued such things as reading, church, respect, nature, modesty, and hard work. My entire extended family is Roman Catholic; just before I was born my parents decided to leave the Catholic church and become Lutheran. Church involvement and attendance has always been important to my family, and there was always expressed a strong ethical code. Much of my faith was nourished growing up through a strong Sunday School program at Messiah Lutheran. My parents taught me about God’s love through their love for me more than speaking specifically about the faith in the home. I believe many families work like this, that although they may never miss a Sunday, be active in the church community, and be good, humane people in general, that there is not an open conversation about faith, and hence less likely to have a daily conversation with or about God. One of the things I am most proud of in recent years is my role in our family moving past that and becoming a little more open about our faith. Two years ago my father asked me to pick out a study bible for him for Christmas, and I was so excited to do so. I purchased it for him and since then he and I have worked through most of the key parts of the bible, and he regularly calls to ask me questions, which can become a whole family discussion. My brother is now 20 and studies at the University of Virginia, my father has retired in the past year, and my mother continues to work; my parents are two of my best friends.

Growing up in a rural area also greatly shaped who I am. I spent more time outside learning about nature, farming, animals, and our orchard, than in front of the television (which would be on PBS if anything). As a child my mother took me to the library almost daily during the summer, and I read voraciously, on my own, and during designated “reading hour” each night when no television was allowed. This upbringing developed in me individuality and a love of learning and asking questions, a love for God’s creation (which would later translate into my outdoor ministry work), and strong family relationships which are at the core of who I am.
My current life situation is centered on being completely dedicated to my call and being open to the church’s need to put me where I will serve best. I am single, and unafraid to move to pursue my call. I am healthy in most every way, by the grace of God. I will be starting my second year of teaching next fall, and a teacher’s salary is not enormous, especially in the second year. However, I have been saving as much as I can toward my future seminary career. This is possible because I do not have any student loans, car payments, or debt of any kind. I am financially independent and working on saving money, and should I need it, I am prepared to take on loans. I feel that my calling to the church and my relationship with God is the utmost priority in my life, especially as a single person. Therefore, although I will admit that it is a scary prospect at times, Christ gives me the strength to be open to whatever call, wherever in ministry He leads me to. This coming year I am confident that I will be able to give enough time to prepare through the candidacy process. I consider myself someone excited to be a lifelong learner, and my time at the College of William and Mary prepared me well to be a student again in seminary, equipped by the Spirit with the faith to keep my studies Christ-centered.

My faith life grew in little steps on my own through secular activities, but it was people, events, and organizations in the ELCA which have really pushed my faith those extra steps, in that I have grown into the strong faith I am happy to have. Those ELCA organizations that so affected me are: Virginia Synod youth events, the Lutheran Student Association at William and Mary, and Caroline Furnace Lutheran Camp (CFLC). I grew up with a faith that I accepted and didn’t question or make my own until I was in late high school. At that time I was very active doing debate competitively – and for that I read a lot of philosophy and learned about many different belief systems. I found that although I enjoyed learning about these theories and could assimilate many into my Christian perspective, that I didn’t get the same visceral response, a pull (toward Christ), that I felt in reading and learning about the gospel. It was then, over those couple years, that I really started to listen, to discuss, and to read about my faith, to develop it further, to learn what the Lutheran church believes. Through prayer and my personal walk with God, I realized slowly that by realizing whose I am, Christ’s, who I am would follow naturally. The youth events of the Virginia Synod pushed me to go deeper with Christ, to make it a part of my everyday life. I loved discussing faith and hearing the stories of others, and at several events, this is where I was first told to and discussed the idea of considering the ministry.

The most formative pieces of my faith walk changed me in ways that I am forever different – and brought me face to face with Christ and taught me how to incorporate him into my everyday life. Even before I left for college at William and Mary, I received a handwritten note from a member of the Lutheran Student Association (LSA), telling me about the loving, fun, and home-like community which was there for me when I got to school. When I got to Williamsburg, I went to St. Stephen Church my first Sunday there, and I was hooked. The family that was there for me at St. Stephen and especially within LSA is like nothing I have ever experienced. As members of LSA we were so close, and so accepting of each other. We had members who were from every walk of college life, and many different faith backgrounds, but we became a family to each other, and held each other accountable in our faith. The “College Room” at St. Stephen was always open, 24/7, and we all used it as a hideaway, where we could always find friends and acceptance. LSA helped reinforce my faith, which carried me through college and all the stumbles that would be put in my way. The older members of the LSA served as role models on growing into who one is and keep that identity Christ-centered.

Head and shoulders above all other people who helped me in grow in my faith is Pastor Andy Ballentine, who advised LSA and is the pastor of St. Stephen in Williamsburg. He was always there every day with an open door and a listening ear, and always put back on me the idea of “where is Christ in this?” even if he didn’t have to say it. The most important lesson that he taught me is that it is important to slow down, and “be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37). He taught us all that among the studying, drama, and competition of college life, it is vital that we stop to relax, be happy, and take quiet time, and not worry about our cares for a little while. In my junior and senior years of college I was president of the LSA, and grew in my relationship with Christ as a leader, with my own little mini “flock” – trying to gain new members, relating genuinely to current members, creating programs, and learning that above all, things will work best if the organization is kept Christ-centered. Being the leader of the group also made my relationship with Pastor Ballentine closer and I learned from him about some of the day-to-day activities of a pastor, and talked to him a great deal about my sense of call, as he was and is a constant advocate for me and helped me ask myself questions and discussed with me the variety of options available in ordained ministry.

The third and most formative event in my faith journey is the two summers (2004 and 2005) that I spent working at Caroline Furnace Lutheran Camp. In my first summer, as a counselor, I was pushed to my very limit, physically, emotionally, and in patience. But Christ would never fail me, nor did my ability to communicate Christ to my campers and never give up or feel discouraged, as long as I kept myself centered on Christ and took my time every day in prayer and reading to reconnect with that personal relationship. That first summer I had campers whose experiences I could and will never relate to, but Christ gave me the strength to speak with them on their level, to relate to others with honesty, be genuine in who I am, and just love those around me, not matter how hard the circumstances. I later had the opportunity to speak about how I relate to the gospel in my everyday life at the 2005 LARC conference and in a sermon at St. Stephen, and these experiences are what strengthened my faith to speak about my faith and also the material about times which the gospel had come to life for me.

My second summer (2005) at Caroline Furnace I served as counselor coordinator, like a summer program director position. In this role I not only had to relate to campers on the whole, but also train, manage, guide, and supervise a staff of approximately 20 people who came from very diverse faith and cultural backgrounds. I had to rely on my faith to steer me and grow in terms of managerial skills, organization, public speaking, and leadership in general. This situation taught me that in my everyday actions I needed to rely on my faith and where Christ is in the situation, as opposed to my own ego and desires. I feel that as a leader it is often such a genuine challenge to check the ego at the door, but my experiences with LSA and as counselor coordinator at CFLC humbled me and brought my faith to a new level, that now I truly know the value of Jesus’ words in “Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) These words are now the cornerstone of my faith. All of these experiences have brought me to my faith statement: My Christian faith gives me the strength to take on challenges, humbles me daily in the knowledge that only by our Savior am I saved and am not worthy of his gift of grace, and makes me exuberantly joyous to tell others about my faith. My faith is an inseparable part of my identity, and the defining characteristic which I hope to bring to the world. My relationship with God understood through the trinity, is the most important relationship of my life, and I am excited to begin my work toward a vocation in ordained ministry in the ELCA.

yay. a.m.e.n.

More song lyrics

2006-07-18T21:17:00.000-05:00

So one more example of how I think our things written in the form of interpersonal human relationships can be interpreted (maybe only by me) in the form of a love song of faith. Example: Life less ordinary, Carbon Leaf
some of the lyrics:

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
Live a life less sedentary
Live a life evolutionary with me
Well I hate to be a bother,
But it's you and there's no other, I do believe
You can call me naive but...
I know me very well (at least as far as I can tell)
And I know what I need

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me
By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied next time

. . .
especially the parts that are in bold. I feel like we could sing this song in church. but it's just me. and not all of it fits.

In love relationships, people often say - "how do you 'know' that that one person is 'the one' or that it is really 'love.' " I think the same questions fall in line for faith - people who haven't made that step struggle with this - but for me the answer is - you just "know" - it is indescribeable, it is consuming. And yes, I'm a romantic. I do believe in true love relationships, and fidelity, and that marriages can really work. Sigh.

I also have been caught by these lyrics lately: So this is me, I'll be no one else. (Hurricane Song, VACO)

I wrote a whole long blog entry earlier tonight about a totally different topic (seminary and W&M) and wasn't able to post it. Summary: I loved william and mary. I will love seminary. I don't know where to go. No clue. The only one I've possibly ruled out is Pacific. we'll see.

Stop, hey, what's that sound

2006-07-17T19:30:00.000-05:00

Everybody look what's going down. . .

there's something happinin here
what it is aint exactly clear
theres a man with a gun over there
tellin me i got to beware

i think it's time we stop, children
what's that sound
everybody look what's goin down

there's battle lines being drawn
nobody's right if everybody's wrong
young people speakin there minds
getting so much resistance far behind

it's time we stop,
hey what's that sound
everybody look what's goin down

what a field day for the heat
a thousand people in the street
singin songs that they carry inside
mostly say hurray for our side

it's time we stop,
hey what's that sound
everybody look what's goin down

there are lawyer strikes deep
into your life it will creep
it starts when your always afraid
step out of line the man come and take you away
(Buffalo Springfield)

It is so scary what is happening all over the world today. Maybe scary isn't the right word. Ungracious seems close. It is unbelievable. It is also unbelievable to me how our culture (and myself included) just continues with our MTV perspective mindset or so focused on the minutiae of our day-to-day ridiculousness. I want to know more, and yet it is so easy just to be comfortable in my life, my culture, my safety. Everyone is so blessed with what we all have, it is so far from my scope of reason to ever understand how people are actually able to go to war and kill in the cold-blooded reason of nationality or large-scale arguments which the people may or may not be a part of. Why do we hate on the basis of nationality.
I understand the bravery and strength involved in serving one's country. I respect and support the military and military families. I just wish they never had to see action, and that it would be used as a true last resort. I don't think people foolish necessarily for being a part of the military, or more specifically, for defending their basic human rights. I know that my own privilege is a part of what makes me so far from being able to understand the rawness, the violence. But . I just can't ever see a killing, in the name of anything to be a part of God's will. Period. I don't think killing, in war, or even the anger and hate associated with it, can ever be a part of God's amazing, wonderful grace he wants for us all. And that's why I will never feel settled with it. Period. I said it. It's not a popular view to be a pacifist, but I'll own up to my feelings.

I love that song above by Buffalo Springfield. I wish there was some way we could all just care a little more about everything going on outside of our little bubble. It is shameful how little I and my peers know and care. I want to give something, somehow. I will look into that.

My favorite song on the new Dixie Chicks album is "I hope" - the lyrics relate back to this:
Sunday morning, I heard the preacher say
Thou shall not kill
I don't wanna, hear nothin' else, about killin'
And that it's God's will
Cuz our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope
For more love, more joy and laughter
I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need
I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters
I hope
We can all live more fearlessly
And we can lose all the pain and misery
I hope, I hope

God's grace is amazing. I am blessed with who I am and with the faith I am given. I know part of my sin is that of omission, of not being truly aware and caring enough about those around me. My dad and I were talking about current events and he said that this is the most scary, turbulent time in the whole world since WWII, and I agree. Everywhere is a powder keg. I know one thing I can do. I can pray for the leaders and the areas of the world.

things can get better.

I hope, I hope

the grand finale

2006-07-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

I was watching fireworks on the fourth of july and I realized - I was kind of disinterested in the show, and I kept watching thinking - is this the big finale? when is the big finale coming? I realized that I rated these shows as well as other things in life, by the big finish. In many other ways in life, this holds true also - the ends are what I focus on, not the means. I like the product much more than the process.

I think this is in some ways a sign of immaturity. I want my students to know and be able to use the information - more than I like teaching it. Because I had a very serious, intense relationship, when (not if, hopefully) I have another romantic relationship I want to skip to that level of trust and closeness. I'm not good at keeping in touch with friends with whom small talk only usually ensues. It's not even that the "ends justify the means" for me - it isn't about justification for me - but anticipation.

Kind of like how certain pastors have always said we're an "Easter people" - that we look so constantly toward the joy and the promise of Easter - and I talked about this in a blog a while back. Easter is the fireworks grand finale in the most magnified and glorious form for Christians. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I am not an Easter person. I believe strongly in the grace given by Christ at Easter and the actions of Easter, but it is not the end (haha pun) all-be-all of my faith. I want to know more, I want to enjoy and know more about the process, my process, my faith walk, as well as that of others.

In my faith, I am enjoying the means, enjoying the journey, the walk with Christ before Easter.

I guess it relates back to our culture's "affluenza" and the instant gratification that comes so easy to us and we come to depend on. We want the best, and just as we are accustomed to, we expect to receive it posthaste. The means - by which our clothes, our McDonalds, our wealth, our stuff that fills our lives, and so much of our superficial selves - are not important at all to us; and when it is revealed, the sometimes low and baseless means by which we really achieve this comfort, we are astonished and appalled . . . For about five minutes.

As much as this is a hard message both to "preach" and to live by, I believe that one of our calls as Christians is to be uncomfortable. Not in any specific way, than to just be outside our "comfort zone."

I am really excited about the means or process of following my call to ministry. In my faith walk, the means, the process, the growth enabled by God's grace, is the true joy. I think lots of people see (more) faithful Christians and want that confidence, that faith, and try to imitate, but fall short, because they are imitating the ends, and not letting the process be guided by God in their lives. This relates back to the verse my small group had to proclain at Kairos - Eph. 4:25-5:2 : being imitators of God (not people). Also then, Gal 1:10, which I am continually called back to - not pleasing people.

Just like finding my true faith, as a child I was afraid and unenthralled by fireworks. I think if people think about it, they can see themselves in this simplified faith walk taken through the metaphor of fireworks:
Step one: fear and disinterest - the noises, the mystery of it all is frightening and not a part of one's everyday life.
Step two: waiting for the grand finale, not enjoying the process or means - being enthralled by the grand finale (mountaintop experiences like Winter Cel, Kairos, Small groups, youth groups) but not taking that joy any further than that moment.
Step three: enjoying the process, taking the joy of the entire show, the silence between the heart-pounding moments, and taking that joy from there and reflecting it to others.

With fireworks, I haven't quite made it the whole way to step three. but with my faith, I'm there - enjoying the show and hoping to reflect the joy to others.

Laziness

2006-07-03T15:32:00.000-05:00

I know I have a lot to do, but taking today to just indulge myself, and like the Kairos theme, take time to "breathe," was really nice. I am excited about bible study on Wed. and getting started working on VBS stuff . . . I just haven't yet. Done a little reading, etc. Just happy in general, felt like I've taken another step in lots of ways.

My conversation with Chip, the asst. to the bish who is in charge of candidacy stuff was really short at Kairos, but I keep reflecting on it - I was really honest with him and I am really excited about the future.

In addition, I really appreciate my time being able to catch up with Kate P. and have a friend to also be very honest with, especially since she and I have so much in common. I'm really glad we roomed together, even though it really impacted our lack of sleep!

It's weird to me that I'm going back to teaching in the fall - I'm neither excited nor dreading it - just looking forward to the positive parts but mostly that with one more year of teaching I'll be also getting through the beginning candidacy and toward seminary!!! yay!!

. . . off topic . . . trying to undertake some more major cooking projects in my time off - but the thing is - I only really want like PBJ & stuff for dinner!

There are not words to describe. . .

2006-07-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

A M A Z I N G how God can work through our lives. . .

I cannot get over the amazing work that the Holy Spirit did through my small group, #13, at Kairos this past week. I love these nine young people so much, and I really want to know how they do in the next year and in the future.

I didn't realize how much of a cynic I was, or rather, how I had become hard from being caught up in the everyday routine - forgetting "how to breathe" - and how much the faith of these nine young people can change mine - forever. By both the strenth of some of their faith and also the questions and their stuggle in their faith walk - amazing. I will never forget each of them - and what they shared. I gave them all verses personalized to their stories - inspired by the Spirit, truly - and I will never forget them when I look at these verses. There are not words.

I needed an experience like this - something to take me away from myself and my silly cares, wake me back up to the service and love in community that God has for me.

Gosh . . .

I pray that they not forget the closeness they had and the love that we all held for each other. For many of them, these experiences, though maybe not of the same depth, are normal, but for a couple these were mountaintop experiences which will never be forgotten.

And I will never forget - I hope - how I got this kick in the butt from God this past week - like remember how little you can do without me? How before every small group I was a little anxious - should I plan more?? what could happen? how can I improve our group dynamic? But yet again, and this time in a more positive way, God reminds me that like John 15:5 (Taylor's verse :) ) without him I can do nothing. I just let go and watched it happen - amazing things.

Even if I am caught up in the love of it all and we don't keep in touch or the memory and drama of it all fades, why not cling to these things, be truly inspired by how Christ can work in us? It's a true ministry, and I felt truly happy and mostly selfless in it - that I was just along for the ride - and it was amazing.

I won't forget them.
Kara,
Nick,
Josh,
Taylor,
Suzanna,
Kayley,
Kelcie,
Brittany,
and especially, because of the work Christ did in him that week and the changes that occured -
James.

I love you all. your maturity, love for each other, care, openness - I could go on and on. But I'll stop here - I just wanted it to be recorded somewhere before it began to fade.

P.S.: This week I also felt very secure in my call to ministry - amazing. Just praying over it and reconnecting - feeling a part of a community and at ease in although it's going to be so hard, I know I'll get through it - and I registered for vocations conference so it's becoming more and more real!

evangelism

2006-06-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

I am trying to make a large part of my summer routine that I become disciplined in working out and also in my reading and learning more in terms of faith. Also, vainly, I will admit that I would like to have a tan. So I am working on incorporating these.
So I worked out today, then went out to the pool at my apt. complex - and I swam and then sat and read my bible. I feel like by reading my bible at the pool, I can accomplish many things. I can read without the other distractions of my apartment (t.v., phone, etc.). I can also be a quiet evangelist. If I am there often reading my bible, people know that's part of my life, and I'd love it if it were a conversation starter or if people asked me questions. But I think that there is something to be said for just being there, and not ashamed to be reading the bible out in public. Especially with as much as I feel I still have to learn about the word.
And so it did start a conversation, of sorts. . . I made a friend - his name is Tyler, he is 3. He wanted to look at my bible. Actually he wanted to write and color in it, but I tried to discourage that. I loved sitting and talking to him. We talked about colors, and he identified the objects in the pictures in the back of my NRSV. His mom I think was grateful that I was being so kind to him, and informed me that he has a lot of speech impediments and is delayed in some ways. His mom looked tired and very young, and one of two moms I've met at the pool with tongue rings, tattoos, and no wedding ring. (That's not a judging statement! I like these women!) Anyway Tyler was so cute! And I felt like even though I didn't talk to him about what kind of book exactly he was looking at and why I have it - that it might mean something nonetheless.
I also read the first 8 chapters of mark.
I bought a new digital camera today. I felt a little bit guilty to be spending the money, but I have been looking for my camera for months, and I feel that it's an ok investment -not like spending it on shoes or something I really don't need.
I am completely done with the schoolyear! Valete CHHS et SCMS!!! I don't think I'll miss either school, really, but I will miss some of my co-workers who are not coming to Cosby. I do worry about Katie, and Marcia as well.
Dinner with David Spencer on Wed! I am excited! I haven't seen him in like 5 years, and I am intereste to learn a lot about him, his faith, etc. It's fun to me how we've kept in touch (at least minimally) all these years.
Hopefully dinner/lunch with Cathy D sometime soon - on that note, I need to call her to schedule something.
Applied for a credit card today (finally). One with no annual fee and low APR - I won't use it much if hardly at all, I just need to build my credit, especially if I need to take on loans for seminary - we'll see. I don't know if my dad's offer of loaning me the money to be later repaid still stands. I need to open a savings acct also.
I really need to finish my candidacy app.
Looking forward to Kairos!!! If not a little anxious. There is one person I really don't want to work with, unfortunately, and I wish I could let it go... I just hope I'm not with him. If I am though, I will deal, and I will know that it is something that God has put in front of me for me to grow from.