Teaching, for all my cynicism and exhaustion, is such a ministry. A lot of my cynicism comes from not understanding the teachers who regard their job as a way to do the bare minimum or teachers who react to students in a very un-Christian way. I have a hard time relating and also not relating my faith in a more vocal, explicit way. . . But back on track . . .
This year I am teaching 14 sections of Latin, 9 curricula, in six blocks. I get paid a seventh or so more of my salary for teaching the sixth block, but obviously that's not really compensation for the work I do. Unlike hardly ever before, I find my procrastination trait stunted by the sheer amount of work I have to do and still keeping myself and my students to a high expectation of excellence. I do not have the time I had for myself as I have had at almost any time before. Yet I find that by continuing to regard teaching more and more as a ministry, I find strength in it. I want to help more, though, be more involved, but I know my boundaries.
I will be visiting LTSPhilly soon, so I am excited about that, and considering maybe visiting one of the midwest ones like Trinity or Wartburg. Going to finish up applications, work on getting my references and transcripts in soon.
Teaching is exhausting me, and this impossible schedule is causing me in some ways to be challenged by relying on my faith even more yet also having to pick between getting stuff done, allowing time for Christ and community in my life, and being good to myself/relaxing (which is most often the latter).
I have found very simple comfort in a few verses which roll in my mind, especially as I am called daily to make decisions on how to best treat my students and act as a role model. Here are a few:
- The Lord God has given me the tongue of a teacher, F153 that I may know how to sustain the weary with a word. Morning by morning he wakens� wakens my ear to listen as those who are taught. 5 The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious, I did not turn backward. 6 I gave my back to those who struck me, and my cheeks to those who pulled out the beard; I did not hide my face from insult and spitting. 7 The Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame; 8 he who vindicates me is near. Who will contend with me? Let us stand up together. Who are my adversaries? Let them confront me. 9 It is the Lord God who helps me; who will declare me guilty?
- 27 "But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you. 32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. 33 If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. 34 If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. F55 Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
- This is a passage I have especially prayed over - I have a (potentially) important relationship with each of my 100 something students, and it is so easy to love the ones that love me and do good to me. It is my call though, to offer everything I can, and give whatever is asked to the least of my students. This is hard, and I am especially reminded of this call when my students are surprised at the number of chances I give them or, for instance, when I give them infinite opportunity to come in and re-take a quiz for a better grade and they set a time and do not show up. I don't get mad - it's too much energy and against my will. I just offer them another option. I am trying my very best to be merciful. In the past I think I have limited the amount of grace I gave my students because I didn't want to be walked over or constantly abused, but I think that with the right tone, that doesn't happen, and it isn't for me to stop. I have my expectations and rules, but if they abuse mercy given to them, that's not my burden, it falls upon them. (oh boy, I feel like I am rambling)
- 10 Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant F3 of Christ.
All this being said, what keeps me going day to day is moving joyously closer and closer to seminary! I can't wait to be back learning more (though I do learn so much daily as a teacher) about theology, parish life, having new, challenging experiences! What a joy that brings. The sorrow of having to eventually share my departure with my students and colleagues is now mostly excitement over being finally able to share my plans with them and my joy in my call!
P.S.: Having been praying about and trying to further discern, I have been thinking more about possibly eventually, after some time in a parish, working toward a doctorate so I could teach in seminary or something along those lines? We'll see. . . many people have also made a point of saying that they think that that call might fit my gifts well also. Comments?
