Brett's Discernment

The last two weeks or so have been among the most tiring in recent memory. For scale, that means that I am actually longing to be back in CPE! (But actually I miss CPE for more than just this.)

I have picked up two (soon to be three or four maybe) families that I tutor for regularly. Though I am taking less classes than ever, I am TA for one and also chair of a committee.

This is all not to illustrate my own tiredness or gripes but to make a simple point. Amidst all my distractions, God finds me and gives me space to really feel at peace to pray and worship. I know, as most of my recorded thoughts, this one is pretty simple. But, I find it important that when I get up earlier than usual (which is early!) to study, I find prayerful moments and am able to feel peaceful. Compline tonight was one of those times.

One of my roommates (C, I think) put up over the summer this quote on our bathroom mirror - which I have bolded - as in searching for it again I have found it is a part of a larger prayer of Kirkegard's:

Father in Heaven! You have loved us first, help us never to forget that You are love so that this sure conviction might triumph in our hearts
over the seduction of the world,
over the inquietude of the soul,
over the anxiety for the future,
over the fright of the past,
over the distress of the moment.
But grant also that this conviction might discipline our soul so that our heart might remain faithful and sincere in the love which we bear to all those whom You have commanded us to love as we love ourselves.

You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You have only loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing.
You have loved us first many times and every day and our whole life through.
When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You- You are the first- You have loved us first;
if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first.
When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are the first and thus forever.
And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once.

What an amazing prayer. Again, I like how the agency is on God here. God acts - loving us first - over and over - it's a fact - the can and possibility language is taken out. I would like to share this poetic prayer and keep it with me.

God loves me first in a lot of new ways lately. I am doing my field education at Christ Lutheran Church in Kulpsville, PA. Perhaps because I grew up not really ever hearing a lot of language (or even preaching, maybe) of people claiming God and the Spirit working in them or being open about their faith, but this is a new way God has been surprising and loving me. The people are extremely warm and welcoming, and it is a very lay-empowered congregation. I give great thanks for this congregation and their warmth toward me.

So the last two Sundays I have officially "started" at CLC, which means leading parts of the liturgy each Sunday (basically the apostolic greeting, prayer of the day, creed, Lord's prayer (sometimes), intercessory prayers, peace, etc). Some of these parts of the liturgy had never before been my words to say. Honestly, the first Sunday I did feel a slight butterfly or two, but especially this second time and overall I have felt so comfortable, so called to this, so loving the liturgy because God loved me first, and I am excited to proclaim, teach, and serve. Oh my gosh am I ever cheesy. But that is why I am here, right? Because I am being formed, I love this stuff, and I am not afraid to talk about it.

The picture in this post is tied to this next thought though, and a beautiful experience I do not soon want to forget. I love and miss my CPE group and supervisor. There were five us in our group - two Presbyterians (one male, one female), one Roman Catholic male, one Ukrainian Catholic male - Ruslan Romanyuk, and me, all seeking ordination as priests or pastors in our denominations. We have our differences, but we found big parallels also. Well, Ruslan, who is married to the lovely Lesia (sp?) and is father to the beautiful baby boy David, was ordained on Sunday at the Ukrainian Catholic Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception (pictured). The entire service, which I think was the "divine liturgy" plus some rites of ordination, was beautifully breathtaking. With only a few exceptions including the gospel reading, the sermon, and a prayer or two, the entire two and a half hours of liturgy were non-stop singing/chanting. The interchange between the congregation, choir, bishop, priests, and Ruslan, the one to be ordained, were beautiful in and of itself. In some ways it was like being in another country and a part of something very sacred and intimate.

In coming to that day and praying for Ruslan, I naturally reflected on my own call and ordination. What will it be like? I realized that this is the first ordination I have ever attended. I have a feeling there will be plenty more, however. Our whole CPE group and supervisor were able to make it, and I felt it was powerfully emotional but also fitting to be all sitting in the pew together, teary-eyed at points, as our dear friend who grew so much with us, was being ordained.

After settling into the gilded, gorgeous space and into the liturgy of which the words I could not understand, I began to breathe more deeply. I always think of how my dad has always told me when I am stressed or if I have a big day ahead to - "take deep breaths, and say the Lord's prayer." So the whole liturgy was a prayer for me, like a long period of meditative prayer and chant, while I watched the large party of priests and Ruslan intently.

The only word of the liturgy that I understood was after the bishop had laid hands over Rusland and prayed over him to ordain him a priest. The bishop rose Ruslan to his feet and they took off his outer robe - just his black cassock beneath. They then ceremoniously dressed him in his new alb, stole, and many other pieces. For each one, the bishop sang out - "Axios" - and then Ruslan kissed the piece about to be put on and the congregation would sing/chant "axios" in response through the ceremonious dressing of that piece. "Axios" means "he is worthy" - it was beautiful and hard to describe.

Ruslan's emotion was palatable, as was that of the congregation for this new priest. Apparently it is a special thing to receive a priestly blessing from a newly ordained priest, and so we all did, as Ruslan let out a beaming smile now and then and radiated joy and peace. Yesterday was the international day of prayer, and I give thanks for the beauty that God has given us in the deep, rich variety of denominations and practices in God's church. Thanks be to God for Father Ruslan Romanyuk and days where things, though insanely busy all around us and taking us from place to place are just this simple - that we can breathe and pray with space for peacefulness. Again this comes back to one of Pastor B's favorite concepts - being intentional about doing one thing at a time and focusing on it. There is worship. And every now and again, even on my busiest days, God gives me space to really worship.

Peace+