I was watching fireworks on the fourth of july and I realized - I was kind of disinterested in the show, and I kept watching thinking - is this the big finale? when is the big finale coming? I realized that I rated these shows as well as other things in life, by the big finish. In many other ways in life, this holds true also - the ends are what I focus on, not the means. I like the product much more than the process.
I think this is in some ways a sign of immaturity. I want my students to know and be able to use the information - more than I like teaching it. Because I had a very serious, intense relationship, when (not if, hopefully) I have another romantic relationship I want to skip to that level of trust and closeness. I'm not good at keeping in touch with friends with whom small talk only usually ensues. It's not even that the "ends justify the means" for me - it isn't about justification for me - but anticipation.
Kind of like how certain pastors have always said we're an "Easter people" - that we look so constantly toward the joy and the promise of Easter - and I talked about this in a blog a while back. Easter is the fireworks grand finale in the most magnified and glorious form for Christians. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I am not an Easter person. I believe strongly in the grace given by Christ at Easter and the actions of Easter, but it is not the end (haha pun) all-be-all of my faith. I want to know more, I want to enjoy and know more about the process, my process, my faith walk, as well as that of others.
In my faith, I am enjoying the means, enjoying the journey, the walk with Christ before Easter.
I guess it relates back to our culture's "affluenza" and the instant gratification that comes so easy to us and we come to depend on. We want the best, and just as we are accustomed to, we expect to receive it posthaste. The means - by which our clothes, our McDonalds, our wealth, our stuff that fills our lives, and so much of our superficial selves - are not important at all to us; and when it is revealed, the sometimes low and baseless means by which we really achieve this comfort, we are astonished and appalled . . . For about five minutes.
As much as this is a hard message both to "preach" and to live by, I believe that one of our calls as Christians is to be uncomfortable. Not in any specific way, than to just be outside our "comfort zone."
I am really excited about the means or process of following my call to ministry. In my faith walk, the means, the process, the growth enabled by God's grace, is the true joy. I think lots of people see (more) faithful Christians and want that confidence, that faith, and try to imitate, but fall short, because they are imitating the ends, and not letting the process be guided by God in their lives. This relates back to the verse my small group had to proclain at Kairos - Eph. 4:25-5:2 : being imitators of God (not people). Also then, Gal 1:10, which I am continually called back to - not pleasing people.
Just like finding my true faith, as a child I was afraid and unenthralled by fireworks. I think if people think about it, they can see themselves in this simplified faith walk taken through the metaphor of fireworks:
Step one: fear and disinterest - the noises, the mystery of it all is frightening and not a part of one's everyday life.
Step two: waiting for the grand finale, not enjoying the process or means - being enthralled by the grand finale (mountaintop experiences like Winter Cel, Kairos, Small groups, youth groups) but not taking that joy any further than that moment.
Step three: enjoying the process, taking the joy of the entire show, the silence between the heart-pounding moments, and taking that joy from there and reflecting it to others.
With fireworks, I haven't quite made it the whole way to step three. but with my faith, I'm there - enjoying the show and hoping to reflect the joy to others.
I know I have a lot to do, but taking today to just indulge myself, and like the Kairos theme, take time to "breathe," was really nice. I am excited about bible study on Wed. and getting started working on VBS stuff . . . I just haven't yet. Done a little reading, etc. Just happy in general, felt like I've taken another step in lots of ways.
My conversation with Chip, the asst. to the bish who is in charge of candidacy stuff was really short at Kairos, but I keep reflecting on it - I was really honest with him and I am really excited about the future.
In addition, I really appreciate my time being able to catch up with Kate P. and have a friend to also be very honest with, especially since she and I have so much in common. I'm really glad we roomed together, even though it really impacted our lack of sleep!
It's weird to me that I'm going back to teaching in the fall - I'm neither excited nor dreading it - just looking forward to the positive parts but mostly that with one more year of teaching I'll be also getting through the beginning candidacy and toward seminary!!! yay!!
. . . off topic . . . trying to undertake some more major cooking projects in my time off - but the thing is - I only really want like PBJ & stuff for dinner!
A M A Z I N G how God can work through our lives. . .
I cannot get over the amazing work that the Holy Spirit did through my small group, #13, at Kairos this past week. I love these nine young people so much, and I really want to know how they do in the next year and in the future.
I didn't realize how much of a cynic I was, or rather, how I had become hard from being caught up in the everyday routine - forgetting "how to breathe" - and how much the faith of these nine young people can change mine - forever. By both the strenth of some of their faith and also the questions and their stuggle in their faith walk - amazing. I will never forget each of them - and what they shared. I gave them all verses personalized to their stories - inspired by the Spirit, truly - and I will never forget them when I look at these verses. There are not words.
I needed an experience like this - something to take me away from myself and my silly cares, wake me back up to the service and love in community that God has for me.
Gosh . . .
I pray that they not forget the closeness they had and the love that we all held for each other. For many of them, these experiences, though maybe not of the same depth, are normal, but for a couple these were mountaintop experiences which will never be forgotten.
And I will never forget - I hope - how I got this kick in the butt from God this past week - like remember how little you can do without me? How before every small group I was a little anxious - should I plan more?? what could happen? how can I improve our group dynamic? But yet again, and this time in a more positive way, God reminds me that like John 15:5 (Taylor's verse :) ) without him I can do nothing. I just let go and watched it happen - amazing things.
Even if I am caught up in the love of it all and we don't keep in touch or the memory and drama of it all fades, why not cling to these things, be truly inspired by how Christ can work in us? It's a true ministry, and I felt truly happy and mostly selfless in it - that I was just along for the ride - and it was amazing.
I won't forget them.
Kara,
Nick,
Josh,
Taylor,
Suzanna,
Kayley,
Kelcie,
Brittany,
and especially, because of the work Christ did in him that week and the changes that occured -
James.
I love you all. your maturity, love for each other, care, openness - I could go on and on. But I'll stop here - I just wanted it to be recorded somewhere before it began to fade.
P.S.: This week I also felt very secure in my call to ministry - amazing. Just praying over it and reconnecting - feeling a part of a community and at ease in although it's going to be so hard, I know I'll get through it - and I registered for vocations conference so it's becoming more and more real!
