I love my family, and I am lucky enough to have come up in an amazing, loving hilarious family. My dad has been on a vendetta against the groundhogs which live in the back pasture. Now my family is not a hunting family. My brother is interested in guns w/his military interests. But my family is never one to keep a "real" firearm or ever hunt. But my dad got his pellet gun back when there was some "varmint" back near the dam/former-creek area, and had never really shot anything. Until these groundhogs. They've apparently dug huge holes in the pasture, which could stall out the mower or hurt someon
e if they walked out there. So. . . he's done in four. And characteristically, he's giddy like a kid about it. At first I was kind of angry he was shooting them, especially because that part of the pasture isn't realy being used right now. So he's pretty proud of this. . . My parents are good people, I swear. This picture also makes me miss home, having a yard, etc. My mom is one of my best friends, though I still don't tell her everything. I have always been a Daddy's girl but our relationship has widened and deepened a lot over recent years. My favorite moment between the two of us was giving him a bible for Christmas one year recently, and then since having him really read it and starting to talk more about faith. It's a good thing. This section of a poem by Walter Benton is from This is My Beloved, which is a series of poetic journal entries to his lover. They are beautiful. This one though, struck a chord with me in reflecting my relationship with the Lord.
Because hate is legislated written into the primer and the testament shot into
our blood and brain like vaccine or vitamins because our day is of time, of
hours and the clock-hand turns, closes the circle upon us and black timeless
night sucks us in like quicksand, receives us totally without a raincheck or
a parachute, a key to heaven or the last long look
I need love more than ever now...I need your love.
I need love more than hope or money, wisdom or a drink.
Isn't that cool?
Amen.
Let me sing you a waltz . . .
I think by ideal man can be summarized by the relationship between Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke's characters in these movies.
That longing for deep, unbridled yet sophisticated and intuitive conversation is I think what I also look for with my relationship with my Lord. Something so overwhelming, life-altering, that even though I may go astray from it sometimes, I can never be the same, never forget, always return, always enthralled.
Enthralled. I think that's an amazing word to describe the depth of knowledge and emotion that are involved with "soulmate" and Savior relationships, and though not the same on most levels, total enthrallment is a common factor. It reminds me of the poem by John Donne.
Batter My Heart, Three-Person'd God
- Batter my heart, three person'd God; for, you
- As yet but knocke, breathe, shine, and seeke to mend;
- That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow mee,'and bend
- Your force, to breake, blow, burn and make me new.
- I, like an usurpt towne, to'another due,
- Labour to'admit you, but Oh, to no end,
- Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
- But is captiv'd, and proves weake or untrue.
- Yet dearley'I love you,'and would be loved faine,
- But am betroth'd unto your enemie:
- Divorce mee,'untie, or breake that knot againe,
- Take mee to you, imprison mee, for I
- Except you'enthrall mee, never shall be free,
- Nor ever chaste, except you ravish mee.
This poem is so powerful to me. I think that, but then I kick myself for not being more attuned to the wisdom the Gospel has for me.
This quote from Before Sunrise reminds me of the idea of "right relationship," and our necessity to not only have a personal connection with our Lord but also that we must have a community and see the Lord and grace through each other.
"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt. "
I'm such a non-traditional candidate for seminary. I have no connections, whereas every seminary student I know has connections out the ying yang. Within that I have no family members in ministry. I didn't go to RoCo or any Lutheran school. I may be judged as seemingly hesitant having delayed my seminary entrance for two years and not keeping up good communication with Chip & the committee. But the freeing thing is that I don't care, at all. I'm going to get there and I'm excited!
The Holy Spirit used to be the hardest part of the trinity for me to personally comprehend.
The father is I think partially conceived as such not only because he is literally our creator, but because we have these human relationships to analogize from and also I think the whole conception of God the "father" could have also been partially brought about to connect early to the earliest theistic cultures.
Lately though I have felt the Spirit, both through external events and also through Him moving me toward actions. Kindness is one way.
Leaning more these days toward teaching one more year, as I have a hunger for seminary, to learn, to have a wide array of opportunities in front of me.
At first I wasn't sure if mine and pastor B2's personalities really meshed, but now I really do. I think also he would help me in my call process and going through the committees and such. I am amazed at his humor yet depth, and I long for some of the pastoral experiences he speaks of. I used to be scared of some of the aspects of being a pastor, but I feel like those things are so full of the Spirit that now I feel gradually more called to some of the works which involve my fears in some ways.
I want to know more about the Gospels. I think I need to. I am mediocre-ly well versed in the letters, and pretty well versed in the history and apologetics. But the Gospel is at the root of our faith. I tend to be a Lutheran who prefers or leans more toward the "grace" and "faith" alone side of Luther's religious "alone" trinity, but not as much toward the "word." I was not brought up in a bible-reading culture, although I am not using that as an excuse. I am really interested in learning about the Gospels and how they vary, what the feeling of each is, etc. I guess I should just stop talking about it then and READ them. Come on Brett. But then the other excuses roll on
Although I would still say that I am still ultra liberal for a Lutheran or most protestant denominations, I would say that it is softening somewhat as I realize how traditional I am. Also, I am no longer afraid or ashamed of this. I think while every pastor has their own personal belief set which they may share to whatever extent.
I still don't believe in a literal "Satan" as a being which has its own free will. I still think, and I think I may always believe this, that this reflects a part of the oral tradition, and the need to name and embody the force of sin which is natural in all of us. I suppose that then begs the question, where did the original sin of Eve come from, if not Satan? I think that our sin is rooted in the undeniable truth that GOD (and I mean all three parts of the trinity here) is the only perfect (which I take also to include its original meaning as complete) res aut animus all of creation. The only thing perfect in creation lies between those "right relationships" - God's LOVE is the only perfect, complete, whole, sinless.
I think the Adam and Eve story can be taken anachronistically to further tell that Man needs community to survive, and in human or created community perfection is not possible. This goes back to the idea of "right relationship." God created us "in his image," and said that "it was good," and it most certainly was. But we are not complete, and we can't be. Why? If God is omnipotent? Because God gives us the gift of choice, of free will. Ummm... I don't have a lot of backup for this argument, it's just my gut feeling of faith and what I've been coming to believe and understand over the years.
I have lots of grading to do. Maybe I'll be back on later.
from TGTB. I was proud of my ability to make this post
I'm only 9 months out and I still have really bad days sometimes. I broke it off and I still think it was a mistake to break it off, but I am coming to terms with that decision and positive things that have come out of it:
- Gotten through my first year of teaching all on my own
- Realized dating is fun, even though the two guys I have seen are definitely not anything for the long-term, I'm not ready for anything serious but flirting is fun again
Become completely financially independent
Applied for a job in a field I always wanted to go in and wouldn't have had a chance to had I stayed w/my exfi. I'm in the final 3 applicants for this job, and I'm excited at the prospects.
Found a new church, a new group of friends though work, and gotten closer to my family and some friends
Gotten closer to God and reprioritized my life.
Lost almost 10 pounds now and have a different look from when I was with my exfi.
I am 22 and I have a lot more life to live past my exfi, even if I made the wrong decision or sometimes have bad days, I have matured like never before and learned so much about myself. And I like it.
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Today Erin and Marcia both resigned from work. I feel slightly less pressure for my possible upcoming decision, but the thing is I would be going to Dr. Mayo and not Dr. Marks, who was very supportive. hmmm we'll see. I feel like if I don't offered at BCC, it won't feel like a rejection, but God having his hands in who is the best person for the position and showing me how my life will go.
I think pastor B really has something with this openness thing. There was a commercial on which used part of the beatitudes. And I was thinking, what connects all these people?
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 ‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5 ‘Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
6 ‘Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
7 ‘Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.
8 ‘Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
9 ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
10 ‘Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 ‘Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely* on my account. 12Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
In order to be categorized as all these things, one has to be open to their emotions, and vulnerable in a sense, different. That openness, that knowledge that nothing can fill them but God is what allows him to come in. I definitely know I can't do any of this alone. which reminds me of another verse.
I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing.
Amazing how once you start setting your heart on God and thinking about his Word, The Word supports itself and gives you greater support and comfort.
Lord watch me while I sleep, wake me to work efficiently in your name, with just an ounce of your grace, and with your love in my heart.
I remember that Cathy Daugherty used to always use this word describing poetry and we would giggle. But of course I understood and I can relate that to my experience.
Faith is sensual. God is sensual. Our relationship is sensual and dynamic. I need him and he loves me so.
Until the last few months, I never fully tried to understand communion, the depth of it. However, God does amazing things and he has been transforming my heart in being able to see him though more senusal ways. I need to challenge myself to see him more through secular, sensual things that I encounter.
On the t.v. right now it happens to be something about a female chaplain at a female jail. She is so moved by the spirit. and she did the
God is Good
All the time!
All the time
God is Good!
Although it's been a down day today, I've also really felt God's presence. Feeling my emotions fully is a part of the "openness" to myself and to God that I think will bring me on a path to healing my wounds and also becoming closer and clearer in my discernment.
From Pastor B's blog:
But it is not simply what occurs during worship. It’s in daily experience, too. Reading the newspaper becomes a contemplative experience: when you see the face of the risen Christ in the face of a person who is suffering. Think of the instance of receiving comfort and solace and the help of another person. The wisdom of another person who speaks words that enter right into your heart. Think of the tears that come to your eyes from time to time, when you are moved by joy and gratitude for another person’s kindness and mercy. Those salty tears mark openness to the presence of the risen Christ.
In all of that experience is God!
He is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleuia!
You [and I] are witnesses of these things!
In the name of God, who is Father and Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.
Those salty tears mark openness to the presence of the risen Christ.
I feel God's presence through the pain I feel when I feel it, and in my exuberance when things go positively. I feel him in my effectiveness when I am productive. The hardest is to feel him when I am caught up in the monotony or stress of the day.
Humility is an essential part of my relationship with the Lord. It might not be for everyone, but I am a Lenten woman, not an Easter person.
Gnonai auton - I want to know Him. But he knows me.
From Jeremiah 29:
11For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
esto.
