Brett's Discernment

I love this poem Dr. Swain shared with us last semester, and I offer it here as a prayer and devotion. I hope to revisit this poem more often.

If you had stayed

Tightfisted in the sky

And watched us thrash

With all the patience of a pipe smoker,

I would pray

Like a golden bullet

Aimed at your heart.

But the story says

You cried

And so heavy was the tear

You fell with it to earth

Where like a baritone in a bar

It is never time to go home.

So you move among us

Twisting every straight line into Picasso,

Stealing kisses from pinched lips,

Holding our hand in the dark.

So now when I pray

I sit and turn my mind

Like a television knob

Till you are there

With your large, open hands

Spreading my life before me

Like a Sunday table cloth

And pulling up a chair yourself

For by now

The secret is out.

You are home.

This is a picture of me leading worship drawn by a young congregation member today during the first service. So adorable. When I took a good look at this picture after she gave it to me, I felt affirmed and like that is where I am called to be - leading worship as who I am. I know this is just a silly little drawing by a precocious kid, but it is sweet, and it was just what I needed. In general, I felt affirmed today at church. I am enjoying getting to know the people at CLC, and loving the relationship and ministry there. I will continue to make little mistakes and be critical of myself, but the Spirit works.

The first couple weeks of the semester I was feeling out of balance. I was not taking things one at a time or being prayerful as I like about the use of my time and my general priorities.

A week ago, at the ordination, as I wrote about in my previous post, I started to feel a shift back to the center. Which for me, that center is breathing, a feeling of calm, that Christ is at the center and I can relax.
So this week I have reconnected with my pastors, friends, and things I like to do to relax (getting back into a schedule of working out, reading poetry, being easier on myself. . .)

I had a little pity party for myself when I got my seminary bill for almost $11,000 the other day (my scholarships and other monies hadn't been applied yet, so I won't owe that whole amount! but still!). I am about to take on debt (of some kind) for the first time, at twenty-six years old. I am blessed and I recognize that even the ability to have debt is a privilege that most people in the world cannot afford. Yet I admittedly, selfishly, mourn my salary and the privileges that gave me - being able to give to my church, balance my spending, and yes of course, spend money. Ironically I feel like sometimes I spent less when I had my salary - somehow it feels like I had less expenses (like I had good insurance from my employer instead of crappy, crappy insurance I pay for).

But I am over this now. This seems to be the latest theme in my recent discernment - that right now, being a seminary student is my call. Even if I could make some more money and (try to) make ends meet by working lots of hours, would that be best? I feel prayerfully called to be a student, to take things one at a time, to focus on my life as a seminarian. I'm not saying working is wrong during seminary - hardly - and I will continue to work. But I am feeling my own boundaries and the intentionality of leaving space and feeling that being a student, taking breaks, and spending time on things is valid. I thank God for the opportunity to study, and all of the nudges and swift kicks in the right direction through the Spirit I have been given in my discernment toward call and clarity.

God is good . . . all the time.

Peace+