At the end of the tunnel - it's glinting strongly now! I'll make it! Just a month left now! Graduation is one month away! Getting excited about time off, really off, for the first time in like four years. Yeah yeah, whine whine, you people with "9-5" "every week of the year jobs." You can shove it . . . The stres and extra time outside work that I put in more than compensates for the two months I'll have off. Getting a little bit excited about Cosby, which is interesting to me. To having my OWN program at the new school, a new building, my OWN room (hopefully, right?).
Not too many deep thoughts tonight.
Here's a cute Psalm 23 parody a la the always clever Pastor B about Sno-to-Go in Williamsburg:
The Lord is my (ice) shaver, I shall not want.
He makes me decide among many flavors;
he leads me to eat frozen flavored waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of tingling taste for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no brain freeze;
for you are with me;
your white plastic spoon --
it comforts me.
You prepare a frog-in-a-blender before me
in the presence of my friends waiting in line;
you stuff my shaved ice with cream;
my styrofoam cup overflows.
Surely the goodness of this taste shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in Sno-To-Go heaven forever.
Pastor Ballentine
a*m*e*n!
I never thought Sno-To-Go was the best tasting in the whole world, but a solid good. And the best thing about it was the community and being there with friends, sitting outside eating it on a balmy night, and laughing on the ride back to campus - sometimes with 7 people in my camry. Ahhh college. Ok, yes, I still miss it sometimes, but I am really enjoying growing up and learning a lot about myself being independent.
Is there a running gene? I have never been a runner or someone really consistent to work out, but I figure, I'm stubborn, I can do this, right? well, I'm on day 2. we'll see. Just have to keep in mind
1 Corinthians 6.19:
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own?
-*-*-*-
My middle schoolers take their final next week! How did that creep up on me so fast? whoa!
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown, will you let my name be known?
Will you let my life be known in you and you in me?
I really like this hymn and I think it summarizes the challenge that Jesus gives us to be disciples and make new ones.
Today was a better day, and it made me feel more at peace with teaching for another year to pursue seminary the following year. I really can't complain too much about this first year of teaching.
Still kind of back and forth about the Bear Creek Camp position. And I am not assuming at all that I will be offered it, but I think it is also important for me to individually make this choice about whether I really want it before being lured by possibly being offered it.
I am leaning like 75% toward continuing teaching even if they offer the camp job to me. I think it would be kind of silly and irresponsible to take the position when I know that I want to be in seminary ASAP. and while I still see outdoor ministry as very highly important, valuable, and a possible later career for me, seminary is where I feel called and pulled to right now. I'll admit that I kind of miss being a student, although in some ways I've learned more mass knowledge from this year beyond all others.
Oprah's episode today really validated me and took a little weight off my heart. It was about marriage and just thinking about who you are as a person and not losing yourself in a (marriage) relationship. Not that I ever lost myself in Matt, but. . . I won't go into it all here, but it made me think about how when I was breaking it off with Matt one of the things I was considering was that I might want to go do a worldwide mission experience, or go work somewhere crazy, etc., and how a lot of those reasons I think added up to a deep need to know myself better and simply grow up before I made that committment. And even though I regret the decision, I have to acknowledge that I like growing up and getting to know myself and the Lord so much better.
As painful, bottom hitting, and long as this year has been, it has been I think, the most valuable and deep of my short short life. I have grown up more than I ever had and learned about experiencing my relationship with God in every life situation, and also grown so much in my faith and the daily nourishing of it - because it needs to be watered like a plant and fed daily! :)
Today I bought two things on Amazon. One was my very own book of concord. I am ashamed not to own my own copy and look forward to leafing the pages! The other was the book by the psychologist on Oprah called "Lies at the Altar" which is basically about examining who you really are in the face of a wedding relationship. It also contains a list of hundreds of questions you should ask anyone who you are thinking about marriage with. I plan on grilling some lucky boy in the future - hopefully!
I feel like this hymn could be my theme song these days:
Will you come and follow me, If I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know And never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown, will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave your self behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare,
will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you love the ‘you' you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
well, except for that I don't think God wants us to quite "leave our selves behind" but rather realize our true selves though Him and the "renewing of our minds."
I really think the emphasis of the not the same is important - as Christians we are called to be different, not for the purpose of being obstinant or rebellious, but to serve the Lord and not the other things which distract and deceive us from Him. Not the same. Like the Ben Folds song! :
you gave your life
to Jesus Chirst
and after all your friends went home
you came down
you looked around
and you were not the same after that
and you were not the same after that
and you were not the same after that
you took the word
and made it heard
and eased the people's pain after that
by the way, I thought today's blog needed a picture as I haven't had one in a while, so here are a couple . . . of my Winter Cel '06 (AP) small group doing prayer, and well nevermind maybe not. blogger doesn't want to.
gnonai auton.
amen.
Personally I have not ever felt a personal connection to Psalm 23. Perhaps it is because I feel it is simply overdone or overused, and hence I see less depth in it than something that I discover on my own or I feel is something new discussed.
I was reading my commentary to find something new in this. And I did. I could paraphrase, but it's just as well quoted:
"On one hand, David is the "sheep" whose Shepherd is the Lord. At the same time, one of the most common descriptions of kingship in the ancient world is that of a shepherd. In this sense, David as king was shepherd over the flock of Israel. This means that psalm 23 is also a royal psalm."
Interesting that there is more historically analytical depth to this "shepherd" idea than at first glance. The trinitarian God is our king, and the trustfulness that is embedded in the relationship described is so intimate, so beloved one to each other.
The Hebrew word used for "follow" as in "follow me all the days of my life," actually is generally used contextually to mean follow as in pursue, used for an animal pursuing its prey. While an animal follows its prey for a kill and to be merciless, David the psalmist here turns that on its head - "goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life." Whereas yes, sin and people who want to hurt us pursue us as an agressor stalks its prey, the Lord also follows us, unrelentlessly. Mercy and goodness, through our Savior Jesus, pursues us literally at the heels of every move. That is SO powerful to me. (So there, I must sheepishly (ha!) admit that I can get something out of this!)
We always hear, in Sunday school type terms, that God is "with us always" and will always follow us. But this is deeper and more cutting than that.
This also is a curious analogy because God is following us, whereas we would usually see it as the other way around, that we are supposed to follow God. But this verse is written in the factual indicative mood saying that good will follow us. It is neither a command for something for us to do to find God or grow closer to Him, nor is it a conditional if/then. In fact, the word surely emphasizes this certainty. Many people, I think, have problems with religion because they think it is an obligatory, contractual relationship, or that they see it as a bundle of facts that they have to learn. But most of it boils down to this factual statement from Psalm 23. God gave us amazing gifts - first of all our Savior Jesus and the grace and redemption that comes with that, but as well an important gift is our free will. God wants us to follow him, to have the dynamic, communicative relationship we should with Him, to be moved by the Spirit and the power of the resurrection. But even if we don't follow, we have the choice, full choice, full will, as insignificant as we sometimes see ourselves, compared with the unimaginable power of a Creator. And as we will inevitably turn away from him, he will be right at our heels, like the shepherd.
As Pastor B pointed out, the shepherd is not about "fuzzy sheep Sunday" at church - the shepherd is still violent and uses weapons and tactics when he must and to protect his sheep. The crook, the dog, they are sharp physical weapons against those who try to hurt us. The shepherd is still a no-nonsense, non-warm and fuzzy image.
In researching the John verse, I read about how the shepherd is also literally the door of the sheepfold - that the shepherd would often lie at the door of the enclosure prohibiting intruders from entering or sheep from leaving the fold. I think this is important and meaningful iconography - that of course for us as Christians Jesus is the "way" and our connection/access to divine grace.
Also, I re-read that as I had learned before, sheep cannot lie down if an unknown person or any disturbance interrupts the fold. But God makes us lie down, and quiets our hearts in every way.
Pastor B always said that any disquiet, any longing or sadness, any emptiness we feel, is a void that is a longing for Christ. If we try to fill it with other things, it leads to problems, and filling our hearts and minds on Christ is the only thing that will truly ever satisfy us. That's one of the truest things I think I've ever been told.
But it's good to know too, that Christ is always following us, just as we try to follow him, and that if we seek him, he will catch up to us. He will fill us, satisfy us.
Just when I thought I was decided in wanting to stay teaching another year in order to get into seminary faster and not feel obligated for years to a camp position, today I was having second thoughts in possibly taking the camp job, and the joy that that might bring me. Lord, I want to be your servant. Show me how to best fulfill your will for me and my call. Amen!
