There was something, a great idea I had theologically last night but now have forgotten it before I could post it . that is frustrating.
I am slogging through the first few pages of "Big Girls don't Whine." While her thesis is good, I feel that the book is a case of common sense being stretched into 150-odd pages of rambling. I read the headers and know what she will say.
Here is an incomplete list of books that I'd like to read/reread:
The naked soul (again)
Mere Christianity (finish)
Revive thy church Beginning with me (finish)
Here I Stand
The search for Christian credibility
Reformation and society in 16th century Europe
Here and Now (Finish)
The gift
The Culture of Fear
The book about hearing your Call that Beth gave me
Ugh I have so many books. I think if I'm not going to be teaching anymore then I might sell them on ebay or donate them to someone. Or maybe give some away to students.
But it is something that resounds with me greatly:
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
-e.e. cummings
wow it makes my heart flutter and fall and HOPE when I read this. it's amazing. God will provide. :)
Interview #2 w/BCC was good I suppose but pretty uneventful I think. I still think they'll simply hire someone with more experience, and maybe they should and I should have thought about the intership route first to see if I am ready for this career (and called to it as well). It was kind of awkward at points because I couldn't hear the woman very well - she sounded so soft and 100000000000000 miles away. But it was ok. Erin is definitely leaving . I think. Kav said she's going to tell Dr. Marks about it tomorrow. we'll see!
So. . . my conference call with Bear Creek is tonight at 7, in like 3 hours. Ugh I am so anxious like never before. For many reasons. Among them are that this could change the whole course of my life. other than the whole matt decision I have never had so big a switch before me. I guess this is what growing up is like. I'll be fine at Cosby if they don't choose me, and I'll probably take the job if they do offer it.
Well, I hope it goes well. . .
This is time appropriate.
I want to conserve and cut back so much but I am used to such a comfortable lifestyle. I think I need something drastic to pull me back into the reality of how little I need how much I have.
then I think, I'd be happy. . .
Lyrics by leona naess.
I have to admit to myself that I need to be happy on my own, but at the same time I don't think I'm called to be single.
A couple things at bible study struck strong chords with me.
Pastor Bohannon talked about a friend of his, a mentor, who has had four wives, as they each have tragically died of cancer. He said that this man told him something when he was very young which had always stuck with him but he was never able to do. That was that this man and his wife would pray individually each night but then say the Lord's prayer together, in love, before going to bed. This is the ultimate expression of love and right relationship to me, and I almost started to bawl during the bible study. That night in MA I especially remember. . . ugh. and then I kick myself and it is all circular but I have to rest in the Lord on this one.
In the last couple months I have felt the POWER of the Spirit and the true meaning of the word embodied and really felt faith, like never before. But it leaves me hungry. The difference is that it leaves me hungry not for superficial things, but to learn more about my faith, and take on those challenges in the name of the Lord.
All I want is a king to love me, well,
then I think, I'd be happy. . .
Which king?
Gal. 1:10.
yes Lord.
you are my strong melody.
well first, before I list. . . Today at work I learned the secret that I've been hearing whispers of, that Erin, who would otherwise be dept. chair, and has been there quite a while, has gotten a job at Collegiate teaching elem. french and may be taking that. Apparently she is very stressed out at the decision. I must've seemed odd at how I must've lit up at her mention of this, but I was so excited! To think that I'm not the only one considering other options, and that the others were supportive of her making the decision that is best for her. I can't expect that support because I'm not as close to the people there, but nevertheless, it was encouraging.
In general, I think I need to work on being more accepting of not different faiths but different sects of Christianity.
I know this much is true
I love God
Jesus is my Savior
I can't believe in every word of the bible but I believe in its whole essence as representative and a starting place for my faith.
God loves me
I like Luther's theology and POV
I am good at many things, by the grace of God
I want to make a difference
I want to be loved
My family cares for me and loves me
I made a mistake breaking up with matt
I am very angry at myself for that sometimes
I don't reach out to people as much as I should
I kept the Lord in my heart today at work and it made my life light.
Iraq makes me sad
hahahaha
One thing I am definitely NOT called to is life without a husband. Maybe it's just the recent events speaking, but I don't think so.
Missing having close male friends. Missing having a non platonic male friend as well. But the question is, at my age, 22, and as someone who is in discernment and trying to move toward seminary, how do frivolous (dating/physical) relationships fit in? I feel like everyone thinks "at (my) age" I can still be looking and not feel like I have to look for a husband. But is there a point to dating people you know you don't want anything serious with it? Is it just wasting time? Or is it giving into a kind of gratification for attention, dependency, etc? Why can't I fill in that curiosity for something so distracting with my relationship with my Lord? It's hard, I guess. And I think that just by thinking these thoughts I have to give myself a pat on the back.
I have made some mistakes in this department, which have been life altering and shaking. But now that I am past that, should I dabble in frivolity? Or deny myself in hope of finding Christ more clearly without these distractions?
I wish God would comment back on my blog.
It's amazing how much we can change and grow as people.
Today was the LSA service at St. Stephen, and so I went down to the burg. During the service I was thinking about many things.
First, how that when I came to college I felt that being a churchgoer was a part of my identity, and that I had faith, but it was vague, undefined, and unknowing of how much I could learn about myself through exploring my relationship with my Savior. Had I not come to LSA and St. Stephen my freshman year, I don't know that I could've had that nourishment of faith which I enjoyed through my college years. I didn't have the relationship with God which I have now, not even close. I didn't know how to pray, I didn't know how to relate to other people on the level of being their sibling in Christ. And now I do. . . well, I'm learning.
LSA and the community there is so much of who I am, how I grew, how I grew confident and learned about my faith. I miss it a lot. I feel satisfied with my church here, but the family is not there, LSA. Maybe I should've taken the job at Walsingham and stayed in Williamsburg. I could've kept that church home and spiritual family at St. Stephen which was so supportive. But everyone has to move on at some point, and I didn't want to appear as someone to clings to the college support system and doesn't move forward. But there I go again, with appearances - who am I trying to please? God first, definitely. Is it people second and me third? (and hence should I keep my teaching obligations for another year), or is it me second and people third? (which I don't think is theologically supported at all, but is teaching then and the obligation "just a job?" and I should make myself happy first and "look out for myself"?)
I must remember the Galatians verse:
Am I now seeking human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant* of Christ.
I know I have posted that before but I think it is a critical one for me personally in my discernment.
Things are in God's hands now. Whether I will be called to PA or will stay in VA for one more year to head toward seminary sooner, I pray that he will look out for and lead this decision as he sees best in his will.
I am really glad to see that LSA has become more Christ centered, and I am sorry that my leadership couldn't get there. Scott has done a fabulous job along with the other leaders and consistent members of LSA. I wish I could do something for him which would be really meaningful for him.
More Music:
Every Move I make
You are so good to me
Both above are great songs LSA used in their service today.
We are hungry
All in All
The most meaningful thing that happened to me today was that this woman came up to me at St. Stephen (and I am really sorry that I don't recall her name, but I don't think I ever knew it), and she said that she "doesn't pray for patience anymore" because of my sermon that I gave last year there, and that she thinks of my sermon often and that it really meant a lot to her. I was so touched by this, and it was one of the most recent times I can remember that I was really selflessly happy - that I had meant something to this woman's faith walk, and that she thought of it, and it wasn't about me, and I want to do this for life.
