Brett's Discernment

W&M alum, like moi!

Anyway - watching the Daily Show, and the author of The Party of Death is arguing with Jon Stewart about the right to life issue. Jon is trying to argue that in the book he puts people on the defensive by using such aggressive rhetoric, like "the party of death," and makes right to life issues (abortion, but also stem cells, end of life decisions, etc) so definitive, without any grey area. He is trying to say there's some grey area . . . And this man is sticking right to his principals, which is admirable in the sense, though I would say he is "wrong" because of how viscerally and instinctually I disagree with him. But he won't give any ground that there is any grey area . . . So Jon says - if you think about it, then, it comes down to that you won't trade a life even if there is a just cause for people involved (like rape victims)? And he responds no . . . To which Jon pertly replied - well, isn't that the very justification that the right uses to defend the Iraq war? For taking the lives of the Iraqis involved?

I think he got him there.

Now, conversely, I would definitely call myself a pacifist, because I do value our God-given life. I personally am pro-choice. There are many reasons, too many to list here. I am also personally against the death penalty (which is a fairly new change of opinion) because of my faith, and I pray for the forgiveness in the hearts of those affected by offenders of these crimes.

I pray for my students every day, and I think about how God works in their lives. He does amazing things. I am working on getting better about bringing my faith into the classroom, not explicitly necessarily, but just by being more mindful of not letting unkindness slip, and trying to show as much patience as possible.

So. . . wanting to find something uplifting, just randomly, I put "sad" into the NRSV bible browser - haha - and what came up was the ELCA's current motto - 2 Cor 5:15-6:4 - So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making His appeal through us! Which line always reminds me of the Bish.

I am so happy about my decision! I feel so at peace with it and excited about being sure in the next years and my call! Not that I was unsure about it, but that I was kind of beating around the bush about how I would get there to seminary.

After all, that's what my banner says above, "For surely I know the plans that I have for you . . . to give you a future with hope." It is so empowering, our faith.

I think it is especially timely this song that is on a worship CD I recently bought:
Trading my Sorrows:

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I decided. I did it.

I was surprised at myself that I hadn't been blogging about this in the last couple days, but I've had a lot of school crap going on.

I was offered the job at Bear Creek Camp. But I turned it down. I was so surprised to be offered it, and enjoyed thinking of how fun it would be. In some ways it was my dream job . . . but in others it isn't my best choice at the moment, and I'm sure there are things that would be negative in it that I haven't considered.

That being said, I really think outdoor ministry is important, and it would be a good calling for me. But more and more I feel pulled and satisfied with the idea of pastoral ministry, and I think in considering outdoor ministry as a long-term call has made me realize that I would miss some thing which I am eager to grow in through working as a parish pastor. Until this year, I was apprehensive about my ability to do some aspects of the job of a parish pastor . . . but especially in getting to know Pastor Bohannon, I've realized that I'm really called to be that to people, because I've grown in my faith and I know that it's not about me anymore - it's about God, and he always amazes me in how much grace he can show through me when I let it go.

Pastor Bohannon's talk with me yesterday was important to me in a couple ways. He made me realize that although I am only 22, I need to consider the long-term as well, and that there is the possibility (which I hadn't thought of) to do outdoor ministry summer things or even possibly an internship. I didn't think of that, and at first I was excited at the thought of being able to be in seminary and also mesh some outdoor ministry into it, but then I prayed about it some and read some and thought about it and developed a feeling that I would love to do my internship in a parish and learn about the dynamics of it all, and take that on.

Also, I really enjoyed Pastor Bohannon talking to me about the workings of CTK. I think he really talked to me as a person who wants to learn and was honest and open about the inner workings of a parish.

So I am happy to start, really start, the candidacy process this coming year. I am excited to learn, I am excited to do my candidacy process in VA and be coming from the VA synod.


I wish I had gotten the chance to talk to Pastor B (the original) before making the final decision, but I know I was mostly decided anyway. I really enjoy his perspective on things and the questions he makes me think about . . .


Another goal for this summer, to add to an earlier blog entry, is to memorize some bible verses. And some complete stories. I really like memorizing things, I just need to commit myself to it.

Peace+

Amen

There are several parts of creative writing which have touched me over the years. One of the most is by this girl who was a senior when I was a freshman in high school, and she was the most eccentric person I had ever met at that point. I interviewed her because she was one of the top 10 . . . I will have to find her essay sometime called "when I am an old woman" or something like that. She could not possibly have any clue that she wrote something that stayed with me for so long. Amazing how that happens.

This is another essay which has stuck with me over the years, introduced to me by my amazing AP English teacher, of which so many of the things she showed me I have reflected upon over these five years. but this may be the most important recently.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Once, in a dry season, I wrote in large letters across two pages of a notebook that innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusions that one likes oneself. Although now, some years later, I marvel that a mind on the outs with itself should have nonetheless made painstaking record of it's every tremor, I recall with embarrassing clarity the flavor of those particular ashes. It was a matter of misplaced self-respect.

I had not been elected to Phi Beta Kappa. This failure could scarcely have been more predictable or less ambigious (I simply did not have the grades), but I was unnerved by it; I had somehow thought myself a kind of academic Raskolnikov, curiosly exempt from the cause-effect relationship which hampered others. Although even the humorless nineteen-year-old that I must have recognized that the situtation lacked real tragic stature, the day that I did not make Phi Beta Kappa nonetheless marked the end of something and innocence may well be the word for it. I lost the conviction that lights would always turn green for me, the pleaseant certainty that those rather passive virtues which had won me approval as a child automatically guaranteed me not only Phi Beta Kappa keys but happiness, honor, and the love of a good man; lost a certain touching faith in the totem power of good manners, clean hair, and proven competence on the Stanford-Binet scale. To such doubtful amulets had my self-respect been pinned, and I faced myself that day with the nonplussed apprehension of someone who has come across a vampire and has no crucifix at hand.

Although to be driven back upon oneself is an uneasy affair at best, rather like trying to cross a border with borrowed credentials, it seems to me now the one condition necessary to the beginnings of real self-respect. Most of our platitudes nonwithstanding, self-deception remains the most difficult deception. The tricks that work on others count for nothing in that very well-lit back alley where one keeps assignations with oneself: no winning smiles will do here, no prettily drawn lists of good intentions. One shuffles flashily but in vain through one's marked cards-the kindness done for the wrong reason, the apparent triumph which invovled no real effort, the seemingly heroic act into which one had been shamed. The dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others-who are, after all, decieved easily enough; has nothing to do with reputation, which, as Rhett Butler told Scarlett O'Hara, is something people with courage can do without.

- Joan Didion

A year ago on this date (approx) I graduated from William and Mary. It is amazing to me how much I and other things have changed since then. I felt like in this one year I have grown up more than almost all previous combined. In so many ways I am no longer scared of many things, more self-aware, and most importantly, more attuned to my relationship with my Lord.
And yet as much as some things change, others stay so stable. . .

And changes that I never anticipated are on the horizon. Jenfer will really be moving. for real! and I think this will be hard for me. Although I don't see or talk to her as much as I should, I still consider her my best friend and I like that if I really needed her she is only a short drive away. But we all grow up and move . . . Sam who is probably my closest new friend this year, is moving away. My dad is retiring. All of my memories of my dad have been him, unhappy, in this job. I am really happy for him and him being able to move forward into a new chapter, and appreciate his time there for what it was and how much it sustained us all. I wonder what will be the next chapter . . .

Over the summer (I was going to say year, but I think a short-term goal is better in this case)
I'd like to . . .

• Read the Book of Concord
• Backpack/Canoe with my dad
• Get back in touch with Chip and the Call committee
• Prepare and get organized for the next schoolyear
• get more involved at CTK
• do more reading for fun
• see some friends
• help jenfer move if she does