Brett's Discernment

Candidacy for ordination in the ELCA is not one easy step or two and some time in seminary. My parents' continual question has been "Really? You have to do all that? . . . Seminary is four years? Then you get called to who knows where?" Friends have been supportive and continuously encouraged me that they feel I have gifts for ministry, but it is hard to explain to them the many steps of candidacy and the process all the way through ordination.
I just returned from Vocations Conference, and I feel very blessed and supported in the process. I feel that these three years have made me so confident in my call. That has come from growing up in relationships and experiences I have had, having to make hard choices to bring me closer to my call, finding a new church where I knew no one and becoming involved as an adult, and feeling the Spirit move in ways hard to explain to increase my faith, especially when working for the church or ministering to others.
The candidacy committee was extremely supportive and I was glad also in some ways that from when I entered candidacy till I enter seminary next year will take me two years because I feel like I know the committee much better and am more comfortable with the process. I will have my entrance interview and decision with the committee january 7th or 8th, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about getting it all moving, and having that first of three big candidacy decisions done. Yay! Alleluia!
It was particularly exciting, among others, to see Kate and Pastor Ballentine there. Kate and I had a great conversation about Visions and Expectations and just about seminary life in general. Seems like even though I have been a bad friend and not kept in touch, we pick up where we left off and have really meaningful conversations, because we seem to have similar paths of discernment. Pastor Ballentine is simply amazing - having him as a pastor for my four years in the 'burg was the most formative part of my faith journey thus far. I think it was Spirit-led how his gifts, guidance, and mentorship matched up so well with the style of ministry which I most prefer and respond to. It is now a further blessing that he is the chaplain for the candidacy committee. I am really glad I got to speak with him and that he is healthy.

Speaking of which, I thought his sermon this past Sunday was phenomenal on the Luke 12 reading.


Though I am trying to find a more upbeat version, I really like the canticle of the turning. (click for mp3)

Though I am small, my God, my all, you work great things in me,
And your mercy will last from the depths of the past to the end of the age to be.Your very name puts the proud to shame, and to those who would for you yearn, You will show your might, put the strong to flight, for the world is about to turn.

Peace <><

But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.


As I look on to the future and try to put off my creeping anxieties. . .


So much of our sin is wrapped up in "I deserve" or "I saw (your/their) need, so I did X, so I expect Y in return" or even the more touchy, "I have been though so much lately, I really deserve this. . . "

I think a hard part of really serving Christ and seeking to follow him is learning to ask Christ for all things and give of yourself in all ways asked, but not to expect any more in return except to know that God will not give us more than we can handle, that

"Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? 10 Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" ~Matthew 7:9-11

Learning to leave expectations at the wayside is something Christ is really pushing me to learn right now. I feel Spirit-led to give of myself in so many ways (monetarily, temporally, lovingly, and of my time and energy), and it is a source of joy. I really find Christ in little moments (like tutoring some of my students (for free) who want to get ahead this summer) and it is wonderful.

Something I've always struggled with is holding others to a very high level of my own personal expectations with them. In high school, I couldn't understand and was disappointed when my peers cheated or were dishonest. I told on them. In college, I had some "issues," let's call them, getting along with roommates, possibly because of my expectations for them. I expected my college romantic relationship to turn out a certain way, and it did - I was engaged. But my expectations which I had so long held didn't end up meeting my needs or happiness. Often I think God likes to turn my fussiness on end by showing me the complexity of people. As a high school teacher, I am regularly disappointed by my students who are (as we all are, though!) struggling to find themselves and fit in. I sometimes get so crestfallen when a student who I saw as such a great kid walked outside of my expectations of them. But really, it is usually my expectations that are at fault.
Expectations are a form of judgment. And as much as we slip easily and are encouraged to do so by our culture, it is against Christ's will for us:

1 Therefore you have no excuse, whoever you are, when you judge others; for in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things. 2 You say, ^F7 "We know that God's judgment on those who do such things is in accordance with truth." 3 Do you imagine, whoever you are, that when you judge those who do such things and yet do them yourself, you will escape the judgment of God? 4 Or do you despise the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience? Do you not realize that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? 5 But by your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath, when God's righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 For he will repay according to each one's deeds: 7 to those who by patiently doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, he will give eternal life; 8 while for those who are self-seeking and who obey not the truth but wickedness, there will be wrath and fury. 9 There will be anguish and distress for everyone who does evil, the Jew first and also the Greek, 10 but glory and honor and peace for everyone who does good, the Jew first and also the Greek. 11 For God shows no partiality. 12 All who have sinned apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who have sinned under the law will be judged by the law. 13 For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous in God's sight, but the doers of the law who will be justified. 14 When Gentiles, who do not possess the law, do instinctively what the law requires, these, though not having the law, are a law to themselves. 15 They show that what the law requires is written on their hearts, to which their own conscience also bears witness; and their conflicting thoughts will accuse or perhaps excuse them 16 on the day when, according to my gospel, God, through Jesus Christ, will judge the secret thoughts of all.

17 But if you call yourself a Jew and rely on the law and boast of your relation to God 18 and know his will and determine what is best because you are instructed in the law, 19 and if you are sure that you are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, 20 a corrector of the foolish, a teacher of children, having in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth, 21 you, then, that teach others, will you not teach yourself? While you preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You that forbid adultery, do you commit adultery? You that abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You that boast in the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 For, as it is written, "The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you." 25 Circumcision indeed is of value if you obey the law; but if you break the law, your circumcision has become uncircumcision. 26 So, if those who are uncircumcised keep the requirements of the law, will not their uncircumcision be regarded as circumcision? 27 Then those who are physically uncircumcised but keep the law will condemn you that have the written code and circumcision but break the law. 28 For a person is not a Jew who is one outwardly, nor is true circumcision something external and physical. 29 Rather, a person is a Jew who is one inwardly, and real circumcision is a matter of the heart�it is spiritual and not literal. Such a person receives praise not from others but from God.

(I was going to post the first few voices but I love what this whole chapter of Romans 2 says about our identities and how we compare ourselves and others. It is also one of these passages which really speaks to me about the universality of the faith and that even in this time, there was not (and will never be, as we are human!) one fully correct interpretation/church/religion.)

And isn't expectation just a form of worry? I don't let on to most people, but I worry too much.

22 He said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? ^F122 26 If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ^F123 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you�you of little faith! 29 And do not keep striving for what you are to eat and what you are to drink, and do not keep worrying. 30 For it is the nations of the world that strive after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, strive for his ^F124 kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12. (and the key thematic verses for my first summer at camp in 2004.)

So, kind of like a mother who without fail always has the right answer, frustrating a child to no end, God, the Word, and the Church have an answer for every pull, every lack I feel. . . and as I reflect I find that true about each bend in my faith life. There has always been a faith lesson, as much as I may have thought it a far topic from religion.

I think unmarried people in their mid-20s as I am fall into 2 camps - either loving the freedom and openness of this time in life or hoping for a more stable time/to know that it will all be ok. Actually, maybe we vacillate between the two - I do. Many of my friends and peers consider ourselves to be at a precipice, or a crossroads, depending on the perspective. Do I go to graduate school? Do I work in a job that is easy to find or easy to love? Am I working toward a certain lifestyle? Are my friends my "family?" Do I just stay on the path that is comfortable? Do I get married? Do I settle down? Is being geographically close to my home/family important?

It is so easy to stay on the comfortable path. (and to judge others' paths, so I won't go there)

My comfortable path as of graduation from college and entrance to the real world would have been:
Teaching for one year in VA
Getting married the summer of '06
Teaching for one year in MA
Going to seminary fall of '07
Looking for a call after seminary compatible with my would-have-been-husband's career
Starting a family after a few years of being married


Right now I am:
Teaching in VA
Going to seminary (with hopeful candidacy committee approval) Fall '08
Seeking ministry opportunities which bring me where Christ wants me, not where I feel comfortable
Not settle down to suburban expectations and routine but do new things for Christ daily

I have a boyfriend, and it is hard. He lives 2.5/3 hours away and will for the next year at least. We have talked (and prayed) about being together in the future, but that takes expectations. Ugh. Love makes you crazy and for me, makes me jump to those hopeful expectations! He is so supportive of my call and strong enough in his own faith but in a different enough way to constantly push me to serve, and not just because it's comfortable or makes me feel better or righteous by doing so.

God is teaching me a mammoth of a lesson though, about next year.
Come hell or high water (or Christ's return, haha), I will be in seminary. Where? I don't know.
Where will I live? What kind of people will I surround myself with?
I may have a supportive partner at my side or be single again.
Do I want to get married? Pushing it is expecting and assuming and not fair.
I may seek a CPE experience (and for that matter internship and/or year abroad) at home (VA) or afar . . .
Expectations dashed. None to cling to. But God's love is bigger than my worries, which are frivolous anyway. Big picture - I am blessed beyond belief, sure of my call, comfortable and able to help others. Through forcing me to, little by little, leave my expectations behind, Christ continually molds me to be more his and less the world's.

God is Good!

Amen and amen for the lessons that I learn through faith, as frustrating and occasionally painful they may be!

Labels: call, discernment, ministry