So between conversations at breakfast and lunch about having a campus pastor, occasionally heated, there was something else.
As we do every Wednesday at 11:30, we celebrated communion together as a community. It was nice to celebrate feeling a part of the body of Christ in the chapel today. What a blessing to be focused on the centrality of baptism and the table. A blessing to hear the preaching of Dr. Sebastian within the Church of South India's order for holy communion. Blessing is in the sharing there, hearing the reminder of God's promise.
That promise also comes at the table. Today a neat thing for me - Every other time we have had worship in the chapel, we have bread, usually baked by a student volunteer. But today, we had wafers, which the ministers broke in our open hands in giving them to us . . . That little symbol and taking the wafer in my mouth (as opposed to the bread I am so used to) really brought me back. It made me think of the church I grew up in, Messiah Lutheran, which has used wafers at least since my first communion, when I was in fifth grade. This wafer seemed so different that it reminded me of my first communion, of what it felt like, the mystery. It made me think of how lucky I am to have had parents that took me to church and have worshiped faithfully all their lives. It made me think of others, like Mrs. Gray who taught me in my first communion classes and was also a loving Sunday school teacher. She found me recently and reconnected after probably 14 years since she moved away. Baptized child of God, I am. I don't know how I feel still about the post I wrote earlier, at least 100%, but I will leave it up. I do know about these promises, and how God has shown me some little blessings today.
I am feeling lately that my discernment and faith life in general perhaps isn't as much about the answers as the questions. I am okay with that.
We need a campus pastor/chaplain whose responsibility is for the spiritual health of the students here at LTSP. I have been saying this since I arrived, spreading the word, talking to people about this. I almost went to LTSS because this is an area in which they are very strong and their pastor is very insightful and would teach me a lot, I think. How can we model positive pastoral care and the importance of a pastoral relationship for spiritual growth if that isn't a forthright intent here on campus?
But when I think about this and having talked about it to people a lot, more questions bubble up in me. This is what Pastor Bell is for, and I think she does a good job. But people don't utilize her enough. Why is that? If we had a campus pastor, would people utilize him/her? Or is this really about clear/clearer definition of roles?
Other students largely and vocally agree with this need on campus. And yet, why is it that last fall when I tried to start a bible study/prayer group of my peers, the idea of that met lukewarm reception at best? Maybe I will try again today. I feel self-convicted in this. There is no reason why I or anyone else cannot seek out and build up community and care for our spiritual lives.
If we need spiritual care so badly for seminarians, why is it that attendance in chapel is so low? Aren't we here because we confess and witness to the importance of a healthy church for the building up of the body of Christ? Not to mention matins and compline, offered every weekday. Would having a campus pastor help? How could this be helped that we could be a community that gathers around our liturgy of life to worship as one body, joyfully, finding nourishment at the font, table, word?*
Why is it that over December break and January term some of my classmates only attended church once or twice? Aren't we here because we are leaders called into service who love God and love worshipping him? Are we, too stuck in wanting to worship the way or the time that we are most used to or fits us best? In this community which should be obviously intentionally Christian, shouldn't this be the easiest place to find spiritual nourishment?
This is not to say that there are many avenues of spiritual care and nourishment offered to us here. Quite the opposite. Many people see spiritual directors, counselors, share relationships with local pastors, worship regularly outside campus or field ed, and of course pray, read and study on their own, et cetera.
This proclaims to me the importance of several things in my own self:
- I and many others get a lot out of chapel services, praying at matins and compline, and having prayerful conversations with friends
- I am going to try again with more deliberate direction to start a bible study/prayer group.
- I am going to encourage others to come to chapel with me more and try to be better about my attendance at compline because some nights I am really tired, but God always meets me there in prayer if I can just put on my shoes and walk there.
- I will continue to try daily to see my studies as a prayerful thing. In some of my classes, this is extremely easy and joyful this semester, so that is good. But I need to remind myself that I don't have to like, enjoy, or agree with everything, but everything is formative and relevant in some way.
- I am going to try to continue to be intentional about doing one thing at a time, doing quality work, and not stressing out.
*This is not to say that spiritual life in chapel is lacking at LTSP. I think chapel worship and the dynamic services, sermons preached, and experiences shared therein have been well realized. LTSP is a great worshipping community with a great number of the student body involved. A prospective student asked me last week in chapel if it was mandatory and seemed very surprised when I said that it wasn't, and he remarked on how great it was that everyone came to worship together.
Watching the news today . . . I think viewership in general is much higher whenever "winter storm" is on the weatherpeople's (look I used inclusive language) lips! Ironically, watching the news made me start thinking. But it wasn't the broadcasted news that was thought provoking in and of itself.
You know how, when it snows heavily, especially at night it seems to me, the snow blocks out the sound of life that usually pulses through wherever you are? But when it snows and you're outside of it, there is this silence, here I notice not hearing the road noises and finding my mind somehow more open. The world seems to move differently when it snows (more so than the obvious complications), and people seem to act quieter. I am thankful for the couple good snows we have had here this winter in Philly. (Though I must say I am jealous that CCPS finally got a snow day after I worked there for three years without!)
I like silence a whole lot. This snow is reminding me how I need to be more vigilant about practicing silence as a part of my daily life. I think I take it for granted. I mean, I go to weekday chapel services, plus matins and compline pretty much every weekday, and silence is always at least a small part of those. But there is more to it. There is something to be found in the silence. As the snowflakes fell fast and furious as if angrily, I thought about breathing. I have had a very bad cold the last few days, and the silence, snow, and sharply cold air feels especially oppressive at times. . . Silence is hard, but one thing I've felt I'm here to learn is how to breathe in silence. It's not always comfortable, but that's ok. Leading more silently is also something I'm slowly learning.
This made me think about how God breathes for us in and through the silence. So walking in the snow, I thought about these verses in 1 Kings, when the LORD comes, in the silence:
1 Kings 19:9 - 20:1 9
At that place he came to a cave, and spent the night there. Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 10 He answered, "I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away." 11 He said, "Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. 13 When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 14 He answered, "I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away." 15 Then the LORD said to him, "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus; when you arrive, you shall anoint Hazael as king over Aram. 16 Also you shall anoint Jehu son of Nimshi as king over Israel; and you shall anoint Elisha son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah as prophet in your place. 17 Whoever escapes from the sword of Hazael, Jehu shall kill; and whoever escapes from the sword of Jehu, Elisha shall kill. 18 Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal, and every mouth that has not kissed him."
19 So he set out from there, and found Elisha son of Shaphat, who was plowing. There were twelve yoke of oxen ahead of him, and he was with the twelfth. Elijah passed by him and threw his mantle over him. 20 He left the oxen, ran after Elijah, and said, "Let me kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you." Then Elijah said to him, "Go back again; for what have I done to you?" 21 He returned from following him, took the yoke of oxen, and slaughtered them; using the equipment from the oxen, he boiled their flesh, and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out and followed Elijah, and became his servant.
Sheer silence. So powerful. Elijah's plea he repeats here is one of lonliness, of seeking God as true refuge. And God comes in the sheer silence. God's words to Elijah are here first a question - one that I feel is extremely central to us in our lives of faith - "What are you doing here?"
I am excited to study the Hebrew Scriptures in more depth and learn about this passage. So what comes to me about this passage is my own reflection, not that out of learning. The word of the Lord directs Elijah to witness the Lord passing by, and then there are a handful of natural events. Then, the sheer silence. How perfect in its completeness that must be! The silence of snow here doesn't match it but maybe in a lone meadow somewhere where the snow is so full. . . I think we are most honest with ourselves in the silence - in feeling our emotions there. Think about it. When a movie is at a tense/climactic point and there is a pause or a hold of silence, we feel. When we are in a deep conversation with a loved one or get a phone call or tragic news and the words stop, we feel most fully. That is where at least I feel my heart and mind resound and push me. I want to experience and practice this silence more. To be more present.
And yet back to the news. Local news spent more than 2 minutes in a half-hour broadcast showing a man in a green spandex bodysuit sledding and being goofy. The snow brings forth these newscasts focused on it as if it is the only thing. The silence of the snow falling brings the central focus of the news being these very simple, joyous, non-earth-shattering things: sledding, people getting their cars stuck, which sleds/hills are the best, school closings/delays. And I know that there is joy is this. (I know as I felt it crushed in those many days I didn't have snow cancellations of school as a teacher.) But I also feel the silence. There is some kind of deafening silence in the news reports, even the national news, that talk about not-so-atypical weather and continue their silence on the sadness and tragic state of much of the aspects of our world. I admit that I do not always daily go out looking for the hard news, the sad news of the world.
I guess overall it comes down to this. I thank God for a world in which snow can seem so amazing that joy flows and we are so blessed as to only think and talk about that. But I also thank God for the prayerful silences when I am called to consider everything but those simple joys, but in that silence the suffering and struggles of myself and others. In those silences, we ask ourselves naturally what God asked Elijah - "What are you doing here?"
So, what are you doing here?
