Brett's Discernment

So.
I don't recall who said it - probably pastor B(allentine). That we are "easter people." Of course this is true in that we as Christians live for the resurrection, it makes our faith, it is how we are saved, and that is the ultimate truth.
BUT.
as I stood in CTK's easter (early) service, I was sickened by the fanfare, I know it makes sense to celebrate. I want to celebrate the resurrection, and I feel it is right. But I feel Christ was drowned out in the color, in the small talk, in the screeching of the highest bells, in the in the clash of the bells and organ and sopranos pulling to be heard. Every Easter before since I can remember being aware of my faith, I have so much looked forward to observing the lack of the "A word," Alelluia, and getting to burst forth with it on Easter. It was joyous. I felt my easter joy though that act, if nothing else. But not this easter. I felt the Alelluias were repetitive and strangely cacophanous. Plus I'll admit I have a weird and annoyed prejudice and distaste for the bells and also the music director lady (sue?). I feel like she reminds me of some adult I disliked as a kid, and as a overbearing, superficially happy leader. (Mrs. Purcell?)
I also felt like - well, we are so celebratory of our faith, of the certainty of the resurection, (he is risen INDEED, indeed is the most important word there) is so proclaimed on Easter, why not the rest of the year? Why not celebrate easter in April, then again 35 days after that, 13 after that, 26 after that, random times, to remind us of easter and our joy and the resurrection. I really respect and feel that I understand the reasoning behind the liturgical calendar, but I find that the people I consider to be best in touch with their faith are those who recognize all parts of the liturgical "seasons" daily, through rituals and remembrance, quiet time and prayer.

Back to this though. I felt like for a large part the easter message and joy was lost on me this time. I feel like I got that already, that that part of my faith is more solid. Also, I feel like celebrating, being joyous for doing little, and kind of resting on one's (easter) laurels is something that I and most Americans have down. I have no problem with indulging myself in the comfort and joy of the resurrection. I believe it. As someone who has known comfort all my life, I understand it. For me, lent is when I learn the most, where I feel most changed, where I want to stay (in mindset) all year. I felt sickened at the idea and impression that the church and this service were throwing off the burden completely to celebrate Easter. Remembering constantly the duality of grace is so important tome, and I feel, in the balance of a healthy relationship, those "right relationships" PB & Tiefel discuss. Now I know OF COURSE it WASN'T, that most people recognize the duality at all times. But I was just so SAD to see lent go.

The climax of my season lately and my faith journey was so suprising to be because it was Good Friday service at CTK. I had never been to Good Friday service before. I was kind of daunted at it, because I know that the gravity, burden, and depth that lies with the sacrifice of Christ and this deepest love of God is the one thing I'm most trying to work on. It's one of those things I've always accepted, but definitely not one I can say that I've made a true part of my fabric and relationship with God. (Because, my only experiences are with the "comfort" as discussed above.)
That service touched me so deeply. I could've used a little more silence to let those distractions drain and help me focus. But overall it was overwhelmingly powerful - the readings, the somber silence, the candles and their symbolic extinction, the very sparse and somber singing, and finally the darkness of the church, with the singing of "it is finished," with the closing of the book and the re-entry of the Christ candle. (Similarly powerful was when PBohannon teared up reading the passion - words cannot express how much emotion that held for him and me as the listener as well, and how much that made me self-reflect and look at what I want to be with my God)

We may be an "Easter People" when it comes to the proscription of our faith, but personally, I am a lenten woman and always will be.