Brett's Discernment

So . . . long time no writing.

Ever since Pastor Bohannon's Sunday school talk about the sermon he wants to give . . . as well as several other topics, one question he asked has been resounding with me over and over - when it comes to church - "Who are you and why are you here?" I feel that the somewhat obvious answer relates to that idea which Bohannon touched on and Ballentine was always expressing - that we have a certain lack (Bo.) and which all voids we feel is a hunger for God in our lives, to be filled by the Spirit (Ba.).

Why am I here?

The Spirit calls me, I have been gifted and blessed and God has hit me over the head so many times with it that thankfully finally I listened. I feel nourished and continually satisfied at the idea of serving God in pastoral ministry.

I used to think that the answer to the question had to be so much more than that, that I had to have, as if presenting a debate case, my own unique argument, my supporting contentions, subpoints, and tailored thoughts . . . but why? I am here because I love the Lord.

And right now, I can honestly say that my relationship with God, by his grace, is greater than any other relationship.

I think I agree with what Pastor Ballentine told me last week, which has also been resounding with me, that I "ask (my)self too many questions."

Who am I? A child of God, slowly realizing the expanse of grace given to me.

Why did I use to think it had to be so much more than that?

Seminary is not a place where only the correct password, whispered in the right tone guarantees admittance - I always knew that part, but I suppose I felt like I hadn't yet dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's, checked the boxes, asked the right questions. But as usual, as I think is one of my greatest vices, I overthink things.

And hence the long blogs . . . oh well, they're written for me.

Went back to camp yesterday for the afternoon - tiring but worth it I suppose. It made me slightly, only slightly, regret my decision, in that I really LOVE being outdoors and worshipping with the gift of creation as a primary part of that. but that's ok, and in the end I know I made the right choice.

Also tonight at bible study someone asked the question - do we need to pray over and over for the same people?

If that question were mine to answer, I think I would've said, yes. Prayer is our way, other than the sacraments, and through the community of faith, to commune with God. We also need prayer for ourselves, that we remember those who need it, and keep them close to our hearts and a part of our faith life to include them in our communication and let our Lord know the things on our hearts. Prayer not only makes us feel better, but opens up our mind's eye to the fact that God is always listening, and in that way, our whole lives our prayers, every desire. The more we keep prayer a part of a day, and as repetitive as it is, that is a good thing, I think, because it makes prayer more and more meditative, which I see as the goal. If my/our prayer could even approach meditative, then we can be more constantly aware of God's will and the opportunities to bring the Spirit into our lives.

This makes sense to me but I am so tired I don't know if it'll make sense to anyone else. And with that, goodnight.